Jon Bennett - Curses!

 

 

So, I grew up on a tiny little farm in the middle of rural South Australia, this tiny little pig farm with my three older brothers and my mum and my dad. It was one of those battery pig farms where a lot of the pigs are just locked away in tiny little pens and a lot of the pigs were only allowed to stand up and sit down. When I was six years old, I awoke in the middle of the night and I ran up to the pig shed and I set free all of the pigs. [audience laughter] This was no animal liberation thing or anything like that. I remember what I thought at that time. I wanted to wake up in the morning and just see pigs everywhere. You know, pigs driving the tractor, a pig doing the dishes. I thought pigs would just be everywhere. [audience laughter] 

 

I awoke in the morning to my dad shaking me awake, and he took me up to the pig shed and none of the pigs had moved. [audience laughter] And dad said, "See, they want to be here. [audience laughter] I hope you've learned something." My dad said those things all the time, “I hope you've learned something.” My dad is this very serious, stern and this impatient man. He was one of those men who had to have a hand in everything. He had to have a hand in everything. He had to have a hand in everything. We'd be doing the dishes or something like that, and dad would push us out of the way, because we weren't washing the forks properly. 

 

One of those had to have a hand in everything. It was everything in my life. He dominated my life growing up. And so, I had to work with him on the pig farm every single day. Me and my brothers working on the pig farm. But he wasn't just a pig farmer. He was also my schoolteacher. I don't mean a teacher at my school. I mean, my teacher teaching me every single day at school in this tiny little farming community. And so, I had to see him every day at school as well and every night working on the pig farm. But he wasn't just my school teacher either. He was also the bus driver. [audience laughter] 

 

So, he'd pick us up from our house, drive us at school, teach us every day at school, drive us home and then we'd have to work on the pig farm after that as well. So, all me and my brothers had were weekends. Weekends were our times off from dad. [audience chuckle] And on Sundays, me and my family would go to church. Dad was the minister at the local church. [audience laughter] So, all I had was Saturdays. Saturdays were my respite from dad. All you do when you grow up on the farm in rural South Australia, all you do on Saturdays is play sports. [audience laughter] Dad was my football coach, my basketball coach and my tennis coach. He was everything in my life, this very stern, serious and impatient man. 

 

I remember as a kid, one of the things he says, he never said a swear word in his entire life. And we would say, “How is this possible, dad? How is this possible that you've never said a swear word?” It had the same answer every time. He said, "There are other words you can use, and there's no need for that language." I'm not kidding. I've seen him walk around the back of the car at nighttime in the darkness and hit his shin so hard on the tow bar of the car that he just dropped to his knees, looked up at the moon, raised his fists and just yelled “Curses.” He yells curses. [audience laughter] Like a Scooby Doo villain, he yells curses. [audience laughter] 

 

These are the other words that my dad uses instead of swearing. And the other words he uses instead of swearing is he just yells his feelings. So, he'll be out working on the farm and we'll just hear this scream of just. “I'm angry, [audience laughter] I'm annoyed, I'm upset.” He just yells his feelings. That's what he does instead of swearing. When I turn 18 years old, I decide that farm life isn't for me. I move to the city, I start going to university, I study arts at university and I become a vegetarian. [audience chuckle] Around this time, my second oldest brother, Alf, moves to a place called Kangaroo Island off the coast of South Australia, this tiny little island. 

 

Kangaroo Island is this beautiful natural wonderland in Australia. It's got all those animals that you guys want to see, because there's hardly any introduced species on Kangaroo Island, so the local flora and fauna is allowed to thrive. Around this time, my dad loves Kangaroo Island. He goes and visits my brother every single weekend. He visits my brother so much that he manages to get a job on Kangaroo Island as a minister at the local church. [audience chuckle] He gets his other job after church every Sunday, going hunting with these local farmers and these hunters hunting these wild pigs which are the only introduced species on Kangaroo Island. 

 

Around this time, I'm going to university, I decide to visit my brother. I go to the island, my dad is there on the Sunday and we go to church. And then, after church, dad says to me, 18-year-old me says, "Do you want to come hunting with me?" And I say, "No, I'm fine." [audience chuckle] And he says, "Just want to come and check it out. It's in this beautiful national park. It's really beautiful. It's the best part of Kangaroo Island. You should come and check out this national park." 

 

Dad has never been anywhere else in the world. He hasn't been anywhere else in the world, because he's got the same excuse, "Why do I need to go anywhere? Kangaroo Island is right there." [audience chuckle] I always say to him things like, "You know, dad, I've been to Japan and places like that." He said, "I've seen Japanese people on Kangaroo Island. Why do I need to go anywhere? [audience laughter] We always go hunting.” And I say, "No." And he goes, "Come check out this national park." So, I say, "Okay, I'll go to this national park." 

 

Dad and I, we drive to this park. There's a big shed out the front of the park. I walk into the shed, and there's all these hunters and these farmers just loading up with these trucks with guns and then driving off through this national park hunting these wild pigs. Dad says again, "Are you sure you don't want to come hunting? It's really fun." And I say, "Oh, no, I don't want to do that." And dad says, "Okay, just help me load up this truck with guns and then I'll organize for a ride back to your brother's house for you." Dad hands me a gun. I don't know if you've ever held a gun before. I'm in Alabama. You're all probably holding right now, I don't know, but [audience laughter] I feel the weight of this gun. I feel the weight and I think, oh, I get this weird sense of power. This weird feeling comes over, and I go, "Oh, yeah, let's hunt something. I want to shoot something. Let's shoot something." [audience laughter] 

 

And dad says, "Great." We load up this truck with guns, and then dad and I, we drive this truck through this national park. We park the truck, and then for the next three hours, dad and I just walk through this national park hunting these wild pigs. After these three hours, dad shoots six wild pigs. I shoot none. [audience chuckle] I enjoy looking through the scope at things far away. I like looking at birds and stuff like that. I'm having a really good time. I like jumping out from bushes and going, "I'm having a really good time."

 

Dad keeps thinking I'm going to shoot something when I'm not, because I'm just sort of messing around and everything like that. He's getting very annoyed with me, because he's screaming, "I'm annoyed," and [audience laughter] he says, "Look, I keep thinking you're going to shoot something, and you're not. Do you want to shoot something?" And I say, "No, dad, I'm having a really good time. I feel like I'm in predator or something like that." By this time, I put mud under my eyes and to-- and he says, "No, no, I'm going to find you something to shoot." He disappears off through these trees, and he comes back about 10 minutes later and he whispers, "I found you something." 

 

I follow him through these trees. He tells me to look through my scope, through the bushes, and I look through my scope and I see a pig. And it is a big pig, and it is just laying in some mud and it has a bunch of little babies just running around and suckling to its teats. I'm looking at this sleeping mother pig, and dad just whispers in my ear, "It's easy." [audience laughter] And I say, "I know it's easy, dad, but this is a little bit fucked, don't you think?" And he says, "There's no need for that language." [audience laughter] I sit there looking at this pig, and I say to dad, "Do I have to shoot the babies as well?" And he goes, "No, just shoot the mum. They'll die by themselves." [audience laughter] 

 

I look at this pig forever and I think, no, I can’t do this." And dad whispers again "You can do this. You're helping. You're helping. They're an introduced species. They ruin the environment for the local flora and fauna. You're helping. You can do this." [audience chuckle] And I think, okay, I can do this. I get the pig's head in my sights, I close my eyes and I pull the trigger. When I open my eyes, I see Dad's back in front of me and I see him just drop to the right. I've just shot dad in the back. He's lost patience and jumped in front of me as I'm just about to shoot it. I drop the gun. Dad swings around. He grabs himself by the shoulder. Blood comes out from between his fingers. He looks at me, his eyes are wide and he just says, "You fucking shot me." [audience laughter] 

 

It's the first time I ever heard him swear. He just unleashes this tirade of abuse. "You just effing shot me. I am effing dead. You have effing killed me. Do you know where we are? We're in the middle of nowhere. I am effing dead. You have effing killed me." [audience laughter] I'm in shock, and I've dropped the gun, but secretly, in the back of my brain, I want to go, "There's no need for that language." [audience laughter] But I don't say anything. Dad continues this tirade of abuse. He's just like, "I can't believe it's you. Out of all of my sons, you're the one who kills me. [audience laughter] The vegetarian, the city boy." He pulls his phone out. He throws his phone at me and says, "Call Mum. Call Mum. Tell her you've killed me and I'm dead." [audience laughter] 

 

I get his phone and I dial emergency. I'm not an idiot. [audience laughter] I dial emergency, and I say, "I've just shot my dad." And they say, "Where are you?" And I say, "Kangaroo Island." And they say, "We need you to be a bit more specific than that." And I say, "I don't know. We're in a national park. There are trees that people go hunting here." And they say, "We think we know where you are. There's a property about a kilometer away. Do you think you can get him to that property, so we can bring the helicopter in to get him?" And I say, "Yeah, he seems okay." I hang up from them. I tell dad, "We've got to get to this property." And he says, "Give me your jumper, your sweater." I take off my sweater and he uses a sleeve of my sweater to stuff into a hole in his chest.

 

I have to hold the sweater into his chest as I carry him back to where we've parked the truck. I put him in the passenger side of the truck. I run around to the driver's side. I start the truck up. I can't drive a stick shift. [audience laughter] This is one of those big old trucks with one of these things on the steering wheel. All I do is I grind it into a gear and bounce forwards and stop. And dad screams in pain. I started up. I grind it into a different gear and we bounce forwards and stop and dad screams again and then says, "Get out." [audience laughter] I get out of the truck as dad slides along the seat into the driver's side, leaving this trail of blood along the back of the seat, and drives himself to this property. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, all they've told me to do on the emergency line is just to make sure that dad stays awake, which is good now that he's driving. [audience laughter] We get to this property. By the time we get there, the helicopter is there. They load dad out of the truck, they load him onto the helicopter, I get in the helicopter and we get taken to hospital. The next thing I remember is my mum just walking out of the surgery, looking at me and saying, "He's going to be okay. He's lost his collarbone and he had very little blood left in his body when he got here, but he's going to be okay." She says, "Do you want to go and see him?" And I say, [audience laughter] “No.” 

 

My mom forces me into my dad's surgery room. He's just sitting in the bed. He looks at me and he says that thing again, "I hope you've learned something." [audience laughter] Do you know what I think? My dad learned something on that day, that's at sometimes, there is a need for that kind of language. [audience laughter] I will also learn something about nine years later, and that is that dad has almost been shot about 12 times, because he jumps in front of people as they're about to shoot something. [audience laughter] Thank you very much, everyone.