Courtney Jae Renee - City Girl Essence

 

So, as you can tell, I'm a city girl, and [laughter] and I embody everything that means. I'm beautiful, stylish, charming. And outside, I'm a party girl. I love a good time. I love a good vibe. I bring the good vibes. [audience laughter] So, one Friday afternoon, I'm home, surprisingly. [audience laughter] And my best friend, she phones me. She's with hype and excitement in her voice, and she's like, "There's this party at this new lounge in Queens, and this guy Malcolm that I was crushing on," she's like, "He's hosting the party. We should go.” So, let me give some backstory on my bestie. 

 

So, she, two peas in a pod. She's the hype to my vibe. So, it's like, she's the perfect hype woman, yelling, "Ay, Ay!" encouraging all of my shenanigans. [audience laughter] So, she's like, "We should go. It'll be perfect for you to get face time with Malcolm." So, I'm like-- FaceTime wouldn't be bad. Finding eligible bachelors in New York City is a struggle. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “Okay.” So, she's like, "We should go." I'm like, “Okay, let's go.” So, she's like, "Okay, hurry up and get ready. I'll be to you in an hour.” So, I'm like, “An hour?” Like I said, I'm a city girl. It takes time and effort to get this cute. [audience laughter] You just can't throw it together in an hour. But she put the "You going to go see your man" energy in me. So, I'm like, “Okay, I'll get it together in an hour.” 

 

So, we hang up. I hop in the shower. I take the quickest shower ever. I get out the shower, and I'm like, “Oh, I forgot my towel. Great.” But lucky for me, I'm home alone. So I'm like, “Oh, I'll just do an A-1 down the hall to my room, finish getting ready.” So, I start darting down the hallway, and then, boom, I fall. I'm on my back, legs straight in the air. I look like a Thanksgiving turkey. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “Okay, girl, get it together. You don't got time for this. We got to hurry up and get ready.” So, I try to get up, and I can't. So, I'm like, “Hmm.” Now, confusion is setting in. [audience laughter] I'm like, “What's going on?” 

 

So, I try to get up again, and I can't. And I'm like, “Oh no. I've fallen, and I can't get up.” [laughter] So, I'm like, “What's going on?” So, I'm looking, I look down, and I see it. My right ankle is hanging to the left. [audience aww] I know. [audience laughter] Resembling nothing that looks like it belongs on a human. So, I'm like, “Oh my gosh, I got to call my bestie and tell her I need more time to get ready for the party.” [audience laughter] So, luckily for me, I'm the part of the generation, we don't go anywhere without our phone. So, I have my phone. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I call my best friend, and I'm like, "I fell. And my ankle, I don't know, I think it's broken, but I need more time to get ready for the party.” So, she's like, "What?" I'm like, "I fell, I can't get up, and my ankle, I don't know, it's like it's broken. But I need more time to get ready for the party." And she's like, "Bro, your ankle is broken. You have to go to the hospital." And I'm like, “Oh,” and then it hits me. I'm in the middle of a medical emergency. [audience laughter] I'm like, “Oh my gosh, I got to call 911.” [audience chuckles] So, we get off the phone. I call 911. 

 

I'm talking to the sweetest operator. She's keeping me calm, asking me all the basic information, reassuring me everything's going to be okay. She lets me know she's dispatched first responders. I'm like, “Okay, great.” Then she asks me a pivotal question. She's like, "Are you able to open the door for first responders? If not, they're going to have to break it down.” So, I'm like, “Hmm.” [audience laughter] I'm like, "Okay." I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, I'll open the door. Don't worry, I'll open the door." She's like, "Okay.” So, we get off the phone. 

 

Now, I'm in the hallway, wet, naked [audience laughter] at a crossroads. [audience laughter] So, at this point in my life, I'm a broke college student. I don't have re-hind-the-door money. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, “I could either scooch this way up the hallway to my room and get clothes, or I could scooch this way to the door and open it naked.” [audience laughter] So, I got to choose between my dignity and my finances. [audience laughter] And like a capitalist American, [audience laughter] I chose my finances. [audience laughter] So, I scooch to the door and I wait.

 

I hear two knocks on the door, and I open the door. And in first-responders’ fashion, it's the firemen. [audience laughter] These are the beautiful six [audience laughter] firemen you've ever seen in your life. They look like they work out 25/8, okay? [audience laughter] So, they come in, they surround me, one hand on the boobs, head down. Before they can say a word, I'm like, "Please go to the room and get anything for me to put on.” [audience laughter] So, one of them goes to the room, he gets something, he comes back, he's like, “This?” This man has found the raggediest dress [audience laughter] that I own. You know the dress you fry chicken in? [audience laughter] Yes, that one. 

 

So, he's like, “This?” So, I'm like, “Beggars can't be choosers.” I'm like, “Okay.” So, I put the dress on. So, now, they're asking me basic information, how did I fall, getting all my information, letting me know everything's going to be okay, they're going to get me out of here. So, they lift me up, they put me in the wheelchair, and they're like, "Okay." They lift up my leg, and then heat just rushes down, and I'm in excruciating pain, I'm screaming. They're like, "It's okay. Calm down. We're going to get you comfortable.” So, then one of the firefighters, he's like, "Well, what hurt more, opening the door naked or your leg?" And I'm like, "The door, for sure. The door, for sure.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, they get me in a comfortable position, and we're ready to go, and they're like, "Are you ready? Do you have everything?" I'm like, "Well, I have my phone, so good to go.” So, we're about to leave, and I'm like, "Wait, I'm sorry, I don't have my wig." And they're like, "Really?" [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Listen. Ankle twisted, raggedy dress, at least my hair could be on point.” [audience laughter] So, they get the wig. [audience laughter] The hair was on point. [audience laughter] But it's safe to say I didn't make it to the party that day, but I did go to the hospital, maintaining my city girl essence. Thank you.