Jim Bennett - Church of Hamballs

 

We're both taller. So, I was part of the team that brought marriage equality to Iowa, [cheers and applause] and I love Iowa. I work for Lambda Legal, and we like to think of ourselves sort of as the gay mafia, [audience chuckles] and we're just bringing the gay agenda of civil rights, and we do it through our work in the court. And we knew back about in early 2003 or 2004 that it was really Iowa that could deliver marriage equality and bring it to the Midwest. It had only been in the coast up till then. And Iowa has this incredible history of civil rights that you may be aware of. [applause] It's the first state in the north where if a slave made it here, they were free. It's the first state that allowed a woman to be a lawyer and be part of the Iowa bar. They desegregated the schools 100 years before Brown versus Board of Ed. [cheers and applause] And so, we felt good about the courts, but we also need to win in the court of public opinion. And apparently there's a conservative element here as well. [audience laughter]

 

And so, my job is to develop these field campaigns and work throughout the state and have town halls and really talk to anyone that will talk to us about why marriage equality is awesome. And ultimately to convince at least 51% of Iowa that it's perfectly Iowan for gays and lesbians to be getting married. And so, we began our efforts, and I would go around, and I was assigned mostly to the west side of Iowa originally. And so, I would go-- [audience laughter] We are everywhere. But they would--

 

And so, we would have these town halls, and Iowans have a thirst for knowledge. They want to know everything going on. So, we would get both sides, and the opposition would come out just as strong as people that were for us or trying to figure it out. But they're Iowans, so they would bring hateful signs, but they wouldn't hold them up when I was speaking because [audience laughter] that would be distracting. And they wouldn't yell over me because they did want to be respectful, because that's the Iowan way. [audience laughter] And so, we moved forward, and one of the comments that we would hear over and over is, "If you really want the hearts and minds of Iowans, you need to ride RAGBRAI." [audience chuckles] 

 

And for the maybe one person here who's chosen to visit Iowa in the dead of winter, RAGBRAI is the Des Moines Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa and it starts at the Missouri river and it ends at the Mississippi. And it's seven days of riding through corn [audience chuckles] and eating your way through. And in fact, on the official RAGBRAI jersey, it had a giant picture of an apple pie. Rarely do you see that on a bike jersey. [audience chuckles] And then at night, you pull into these small towns, and they really roll out the carpet for you. And all of the churches compete by having these big church dinners, and that's their fundraiser for the year.

 

And so, in April 2009, we win the case, and we're going to do a team. So, we formed Team Lambda Legal. Because if you're on a team, it's easier to register and get in, and it's a little cheaper. And we-- so we get our team together. We design these beautiful jerseys because we're gay, so they're stylish and awesome, [audience laughter] and-- and I even convinced my partner, Terry, who does not enjoy sweating or athletic things, to join us. But he's really more about the food than he is about celebrating equality. But whatever, he's going to be with us. [audience chuckles] And so, we begin the ride and I was a little nervous, but I had to say everything went great. Like, people were so wonderful to us, and couples would come up and tell us about getting married or that they were going to get married. And people would congratulate us on the victory. And we certainly had people that were not so excited about marriage equality coming to Iowa.

 

But the worst they could muster is sort of a look of stern disapproval. [audience chuckle] And I can deal with that. That's what my friends and people closest to me look at me like that all the time. [audience chuckles] So, we begin the ride, and you immediately sort of settle into this routine. And Terry and I, our routine would either be stopping to eat food or talking about what we would be eating at night. And so, on the last third of the ride, we'd begin just talking about where we're going to eat or what we were going to have.

 

And on one day, which is the century, which is the longest day, over 100 miles, we're literally starving. [audience chuckles] And there's this sign that just appeared out of a mirage that said "20 miles until ham balls." [audience laughter] And-- ham. This is ham, as in pig, not hand. Ham balls. And Terry, who loves meat, is just like, "Oh my God, this is perfect.  This is exactly where we're going to go. Ham balls." [audience laughter] And I just smiled and hoped that he would forget it, but in the back of my mind, I knew this would be my destiny. [audience chuckles] And five miles later, we see another sign. "Ten miles to ham balls." And again, Terry is like, "I love ham. I love balls. [audience laughter and applause] Like, this is going to be incredible." And so, I give in, because I know it's going to happen anyway, and I don't have any other idea. But then five miles later, we see another sign, and it's 10 or 5 miles to ham balls. But this sign was different because it had the location, and the location was this Evangelical Lutheran Church. [audience reaction] And I should point out that the Lutherans usually love the gays. Like, they marry us, and they think we're awesome, and we play in their organ in the church.

 

But this church was a little bit different. And we knew them because they had been posting signs along our route of fetuses in different stages of formation. And the fetuses would have thought bubbles over their head. And those thought bubbles would be thinking things like, "I hope my first bike is red," or, "I can't wait till my dad takes me on my first bike ride." And one of the little fetuses had a teeny little helmet on to teach us about bicycle safety. [audience chuckles] And we all just found this completely outrageous, [audience chuckles] because it's like that fetus has a million other things to be thinking about right now. [audience laughter] I mean, it's dividing and whatever.

 

So, I had to break the news to Terry that we could not go to this church, that there were plenty of good churches that we'd be able to go to, but you're not going to have ham balls. [audience chuckles] And Terry was completely nonplussed. He's like, "I'm going to-- I have to have ham balls. I love ham balls. I'm going to have a ham ball." [audience chuckles] And so, I reluctantly agreed. But I told him, "Look, we are not telling anyone on the team that we have gone to this church. We are going to tell them that we went to the Unitarian church and had a spaghetti supper.” [audience chuckles] Unitarians accept everyone. And he agreed. And so, we're fine.

 

And we get to the church, and we pay our money, and then we start going down these basement stairs. And it hits me like we are going to be trapped in a basement with a lot of conservative Evangelical Lutherans. And so, I grab Terry and I tell him, "Do not talk to anyone. Just get in there, eat your ham ball, and get out. Like, we're going." [audience laughter] And so, he agrees. And we get in line, and you get your plastic utensils that are rolled up in a napkin, your plastic or-- your little plate, and then they just start piling on green beans from a can, and then these cheesy scalloped potatoes. And then these balls, these like-- and they're about the twice the size of a meatball. And the cook told us that they're exactly like meatloaf, except instead of hamburger, it's ham, and instead of saltines, it's graham crackers. And instead of a loaf, it's sort of a circular formation, [audience chuckles] and they have this sort of shellacked, red sauce. So, it's exactly like meatloaf. [audience chuckles]

 

So, I take one because I'm very polite and then Terry fills up his whole plate, [audience chuckles] and we go off into this sort of corner of the church that's empty, and within just a minute or two, four women who I assume are from the church, join us. And they're in a really pretty heated discussion about these ham balls. So, that one is concerned that they're too fibrous, and one feels that they switched the recipe, because apparently Iowa has an official ham ball recipe. [audience chuckles] And they're going back and forth, and Terry is immediately engaged. [audience laughter] And so, he begins asking them if you could put cheese on the ham ball and what the recipe is and how is it different from the official one? And so, of course, they love us. [audience chuckles] And so, they start asking us questions like, “How do we like the ride?” And “Where are we from?” And then, of course, “What team are we on?”

 

And then I look over at chatty Terry, [audience chuckles] and now he's just looking down at his plate and rolling his ham ball with a fork. [audience laughter] And so, I just said, "Lambda Legal. We're on Team Lambda Legal." And it was greeted with this painful silence. And then one of the women, to make things feel better, I guess, starts just talking about the silverware. [audience chuckles] And so, she starts saying, "You know, this is really unusual. It's actually silver, and usually it's white or sometimes Lucite. And I would think it was real silverware, but you can tell from the weight that it's not. It's very loud." [audience laughter] And so, it was worse than the silence.

 

And so, [audience laughter] I finally just say-- I start to explain what Lambda Legal is and what we fight for, and then the woman interrupts me again and says, "Oh, we know who you are." And I look over at Terry, and he just had his horrible sad face, and there is nothing worse than that horrible sad face. And he's grabbing his ham balls, and he's looking for the nearest exit. And I honestly felt like I just wanted to die because we had been on this for years, and things had gone so well, and it was just this great moment of victory. And then all at once, we're sort of back to the beginning. And I just wanted to leave, but I kept thinking, this is my job, and this is why we're here, and it's an important cause.

 

And so, I begin to sort of make the case for marriage and why this matters, and the woman interrupts me again and says, "Oh, you know what? We're fine with gay marriage. This church is crazy. We're just here for the balls." [audience laughter] And that is Iowa. [cheers and applause] You cannot separate a fine Iowan cuisine from a fine history of civil rights. And the honest truth is, Iowa changed. It's a game changer. [audience laughter] It changed everything. I mean, when you look at it, we've doubled the states. You now have your neighbors. It took us five years longer, but Illinois and Minnesota followed along. [cheers and applause] DOMA has been struck down and we'll be back in the court soon on our 50-state strategy, which is coming faster than I ever could have imagined. And my partner Terry and I will be getting married this June in Chicago and ham balls will be on the recipe. Thank you.