Alexis Barton - Breakup on Aisle 3

 

Most love stories end with a white dress. Mine begins with one. The white dress I wore for my high school graduation was above the knee, and chic, backless and it had a sweet little bow the back, because southern girls love bows. [audience laughter] When I wore it to my graduation, I had no idea that it might serve a second purpose as a wedding dress, or more accurately, a dress to elope in. 

 

But about two and a half years later, I was a college student at UAB and I was-- Go blazers. [audience cheers] 

 

I was dangerously in love with an upperclassman who lived two floors above me in the dorm. And we'll call him Quentin. Quentin was gorgeous. Every girl on campus wanted Quentin, but he wanted me. [chuckles] The fact that Quentin already had a girlfriend, [audience laughter] that was just a poetic obstacle [audience laughter] that I had to overcome. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

And I did. [audience laughter] Quentin and I sealed our situationship [audience laughter] with a kiss under a streetlight in the rain. It was the most romantic thing that had ever happened to me. 

 

Now, we didn't actually go out. We sofa sat. That's what you did before Netflix and chill. [audience laughter] We talked about all kinds of things. And eventually, the talk turned to marriage. Now, between us, we had one job and both of us were still on our parents’ health insurance. And so, this seemed like a fantastic idea. [audience laughter] We didn't want to burden our parents with paying for a wedding, so we thought we'll cut class, like the scholars we were, [audience laughter] and run down to Jefferson County and elope. I already had the perfect dress in my closet at home. So, I snuck home to Bruton, Alabama and grabbed my high school dress and snuck it back. 

 

Now, we chickened out. We didn't actually elope. The day came and went, and I just couldn't do it and he couldn't either. We were all right with that. We continued to see each other and we were happy. And one night, when weren't sofa sitting, I went to Walmart with my roommate at 02:00 AM as one does. That's the perfect time to go to Walmart. It's the witching hour, [audience laughter] like going to Waffle House at the same hour. And as one does, we were wearing what most people are wearing at 02:00 AM, pajamas. I had on a matching pastel top and bottom with a little Peter Pan collar and white kids. I had a ponytail and I had a hair ribbon, because southern girls love hair ribbons. 

 

We went down to Walmart on Lakeshore [audience laughter] and we were going to get some snacks. We went all over the store and we got chips and dip and Coke and Wing Cuisine [audience laughter] and Crystal Light, and we made our way to the frozen food aisle, because we needed ice cream. If you've been in that Walmart, you know how wide and long that aisle is. And so, we are on the bluebell end, because I'm a bluebell girl, [audience laughter] and we are looking at the options. And at the other end, the opposite end of the aisle, there is a couple coming toward us. I'm severely nearsighted, so I can only really see y' all. I can't see what's happening at the back. 

 

And so, we're making our way down, India, my roommate and I, and the couple at the opposite end is slowly coming toward us. And the closer they come to us, I realize it's Quentin and he's on a date. And the girl was cute. [audience laughter] She had on her going out top. If you know what I mean by that. [audience laughter] She had on some cute jeans and some cute shoes, and her hair and makeup was flawless. I took it all in as they walked past me. I looked in their buggy and they had couple snacks. [audience laughter] 

 

They had chocolate covered Oreos, they had strawberries, they had wine, they had cubed cheese and olives. [audience laughter] It was obvious that they were together. Mind you, he had never taken me out. I had single girl food in my buggy. I had Lean Cuisine and Crystal Light. I realized then that I was a single woman and I had no clue all along. We kept moving. We never broke stride. We get to the end of the aisle and I ask India, “Did I see what I thought I saw?” I was hoping she would say no, but she's not that type of person. She said, “Yeah, girl, you saw it. [audience laughter] Everybody saw it in Walmart.” [audience laughter] 

 

She took me home. This is the point where I'd like to say I gathered my dignity, but I didn't. [audience laughter] I called another friend to pick me up, and we shot out for his house, because it was his turn to face uncomfortable truth at an inconvenient time in front of an audience, his neighbors. [audience laughter] I let him have it. I realized in the moment how afraid he was of me when I popped out of the shadows, and I realized, you know, girl, this is over. [audience laughter] And so, I left. 

 

This story has a happy ending. Two happy endings, because Quentin married that girl and they have a beautiful family. I live to tell this story here tonight, so we both won. [audience laughter] And if there are any lessons from this, and there are three that it's taken me several years to come to, it is nothing good happens after 02:00 AM, just like your mother said, never double cross a writer because you will become material. And three, always wear your cute outfit when you go out, because you never know who you're going to see in Walmart. Thank you.