Theresa Wiggins - Body of Knowledge

 

I was in sixth grade and about 22 hours into a relationship with Joey Nichols, when I realized that our values would no longer align. [audience laughter] Joey was this tall, sort of goofy, loud kid who everybody loved, and he was so kind to everybody. I was shy and anxious, and I really wanted to fit in, and mostly wanted to be a good girl. But I knew Joey liked me, because he talked to me in gym class. [audience chuckles] He was like, "Hey, Theresa, what's up?" And I was like, "Nothing.” So, things were in motion. [audience laughter] He sent word to his friends, who sent word to my friends, who sent word to me that he wanted to go out with me. 

 

My friends pressed me. They were like, "Do you like him or do you like-like him?" And I was like, "I think I might like-like him." So, we sent word back. And the next thing I knew, he's in front of me in the hallway, and my girlfriends are in this semicircle behind me, and he's like, "Theresa, will you go out with me?" And I was like, "Okay." [chuckles] It was exhilarating. I was somebody's girlfriend. And that exhilaration lasted for 1.7 seconds, [audience chuckles] because exactly after that, I felt an intense urge to dry heave, because I was somebody's girlfriend, and did I have to talk to him? 

 

So, the duration of this relationship, I waffled between exhilaration and nausea, which brings me to the 22nd and final hour of this partnership. I was in sweet Miss Kaposchkin's art class. She is at the chalkboard, yes, chalk, and she was teaching a room full of sixth graders about perspective, line drawing. I'm one side of the room, and Joey's on the other side of the room, and my eyes are on the board. Suddenly, there's a loud noise from where Joey's sitting. Everyone turns and looks, and he is cracking up with his friend and it disrupts class. She gets it back under control, but it happens again, and it happens again, and that's when I know, I have this feeling in my gut that this is not a partnership that can stand the test of time. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I rip out a piece of notebook paper and I write him a note, and I said, "Hey, Joey, what's up? I'm sorry, but we need to break up," and I fold it up and I send it across the room. He unfolds it, and he looks over at me with the saddest eyes, and he writes back. And when it reaches me, I read it and it says two words, and he says, "But why?” [audience chuckles] So, I write him back, super honest, and I said, "Because you fool around too much in class." [audience laughter] Fold it back up, send it. He reads it, he writes back, and he says, "I'm sorry, I can change… for you." [audience laughter] And this wave of knowledge runs through my body, and I know so clearly what I need to communicate to him, and I write, "Joey, NO" in all caps with seven exclamation points, and then I write, "Never change for anyone." 

 

I underline that three times, and I said, "You just be you." I send it back across the room, and he reads it, and he looks up, and he gives me this gentle smile, and I smile back. And to this day, it is the cleanest, most mature breakup I have ever had.