Dame Wiburn - Black Vader

 

I was born in Macon, Georgia, and raised in Detroit. So, I have this weird combination of Southern and Midwestern. I'm Midwestern to the point that I drove here from Detroit, because it seems [audience laughter] senseless to take a plane for under a four-hour drive. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

They're like, "We're going to get you a plane ticket." I'm like, "Nah, it's under 12 hours. It's drivable." [audience laughter] I have a tendency also to be, which I think is Midwestern, to be very punctual. I have a tendency to show up an hour ahead of things. Even when I fly, I show up to the airport two hours before boarding. Basically, what I do is get popcorn and watch other people run [audience laughter] to their flight. 

 

Now, I want to say I get this because of living in Detroit and being Midwest, and that's not true. I get it from my father. My dad had a tendency to be late for some things, but the biggest thing he was late for was always movies. He always felt that you didn't need to see things like the previews or the opening credits. Like, he figured if we get real late, we'll just stay at the movie and wait till it starts over [audience laughter] and catch the beginning again. 

 

So, my mother wasn't a fan of going to the movies with him because of these issues. This brand-new movie came out when I was a little kid, and my mother said, "I'm not going because I don't want to go to the movies with you." And my dad said, "Well, I'll go by myself." And she said, "Ha-ha-ha, you'll take the baby with you." [audience laughter] Because that's what wives do. "You're not going to go to the movies by yourself while we have children. Are you insane?" So, I pack off with my dad and we go see Star Wars. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Now, my father was late for the movie when we left the house. [audience laughter] So, by the time we bought our tickets, we walked into the movie where the fight scenes are already happening. And I, as a little kid, decided that this wasn't a movie. It was a documentary. I didn't really have that thing yet that told me this is real, this isn't real. So, I figured this is real. And so, above our heads in the sky at this moment, danger was imminent. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I come home and I try to explain to my mother, because my father's not getting it, that we're in a galactic battle for good [audience laughter] and we are fighting the number one villain of all time, Dark Vader. [audience laughter] Now, I didn't hear Darth. I couldn't. He was dark, so I figured Dark Vader was what they meant. So, my mother's laughing at me, because I'm calling him Dark Vader and not Darth. She's going back and forth. She's like, "This isn't real. This is just a movie. Movies aren't real. This guy isn't real." And I said, "Okay, I don't believe you. He is real and I need to defend us." [audience laughter] So, my request for my birthday was a lightsaber. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, there are those of you who think that I'm trying to get a toy. I need you to understand that in my brain, I was getting the only weapon that could protect us from evil. [audience laughter] I needed it, because this was real. 

 

Now, my birthday happens to be the first of November, which falls directly after Halloween. So, we are in Northland Mall, walking down the hall. And around the corner in movie-quality costume, [audience laughter] coming in at 6'4" and approximately 230, 240 pounds, is some dude 100% dressed as Dark Vader. My mother has spent months explaining to me that this guy isn't real. [audience laughter] But there he be. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, when you're little, all the synapses aren't firing, right? Your brain doesn't really-- it doesn’t know how to brain yet. I didn't have Darth to begin with. I somehow couldn't pull Dark at that moment. So, I just screamed the only thing I could get out, which is, [screams] "Ah, it's Black Vader!" [audience laughter] My mother does what you did. She busts out laughing. I'm like, "The fate of the world is not funny. [audience laughter] I am a member of the Rebel Alliance. I must protect us." So, I dive into the toy store, go all the way to the back wall, grab a lightsaber. To my disappointment, it turned out to be a flashlight with a plastic tube. [audience laughter] But I figured this dude is still far down the hall, he won't know. He's going to be so terrified that an eight-year-olds got a lightsaber, he's just going to go away. That's my theory. 

 

So, I run out of the store with at least two cashiers behind me. [audience laughter] I get to the door of the store, and my mother is standing there, bold as brass, chatting [audience laughter] with Black Vader. [audience applause] 

 

They're yucking it up [audience laughter] and they're having a good old time. I'm standing in the door of the toy store with two cashiers removing my unpurchased lightsaber from my hands. I let it go, because I knew two things. One, my mother was a member of the Empire, [audience laughter] which quite frankly didn't shock me that much. [audience laughter] And two, I was going to need a lot more than a flashlight with a tube on it. Thank you. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

So, the way we at The Moth introduce people is by way of asking a question. So, when I asked our next storyteller, "Tell us about a time you threw caution to the wind." She said, "When I decided to run away with the carnival." I refused to ask a follow-up question. [audience laughter] Please welcome to the stage, Jackie Andrews.