Joann Kielar - Big Bad Wolfe 

 

If you live in Pittsburgh, you know the north side. And yeah, if you know the north side, you're probably familiar with the Garden Theater. [audience laughter] When I was little, my big brother used to take me to the Garden Theater on Saturday mornings. They showed 101 cartoons on Saturday mornings. I'm old. When I was a little older, that's where I saw my first Clint Eastwood film, A Fistful of Dollars. But by the time I was a teenager, the Garden Theater was a porn joint. About that time, our neighborhood was being dissected to make room for 279 North. [audience laughter] 

 

Out of high school, I worked at Allegheny General Hospital, which is down there by the Garden Theater. I used to walk home on the North Avenue, turn onto my street, walk home. It was a long street. And the day I'm thinking of, I was probably dressed in a little white uniform and I had some platform shoes that I shouldn't have worn to work. But I was a secretary at the hospital. I started walking down our street. And by that time, the street was nothing but a hillside with a lot of empty houses, except at the end where I lived, because people had moved out. And the other side was a big city cinder block wall that blocked us from the construction. 

 

So, I'm walking down this street all alone. And at one point, I looked behind me, and I realized somebody else was coming behind me, but I kept going. I don't know, something made me look back again. The person behind me was a little closer. I don't know how old he was, maybe 30. He looked old to me because I was 18. He looked shaggy too. Didn't look like a good person to be behind me. And the third time I looked, he was much closer and I started walking faster. When I looked again, he was close enough that I could see he was stringy hair, greasy cords. 

 

Now, I could hear him. And he said, “I'm coming from the Garden Theater. You know what movies they show there.” Yeah, I knew what movies they showed there. He said, “Why don't you help me out?” Grungy, greasy corduroys, the kind that have the cords wearing off. And now, he's working the front of his pants and he says, “You know, you're a pretty girl.” I probably was at that time. And he said, “Come on, give me some help.” He said, “Give me a hand here.” 

 

I didn't know what to do. First of all, I had the platform shoes on, I couldn't run. And my house was still over the ridge. Nobody would have been home, but my mother watching her soap operas. No cell phones in those days. Just me and the wall and the hillside and this guy. Well, I do have my own particular resourcefulness, and it came to me. It came to me. It was the muse. I don't know how I did it. I don't know how I made myself do it. But I turned around, I looked this pathetic creature right in the eye, and I said, “You know, I'm coming home from work and I always walk home this way. And about this time of day, my brother usually comes out on the porch. He worries about me. He's a cop, and he's seen a lot of bad things happen to young women. If he doesn't see me coming on time, he gets the dog and he starts walking up here to meet me. I don't think you want to meet my brother?” 

 

I don't know where I got the courage to do it, but I turned my back on him and I kept walking. When I got up to the ridge where I could see my house, I turned around, and I don't know how fast that guy had walked to catch up with me, but he must have gone twice as fast to get away from me, [audience laughter] because when I looked, he was like way down the street somewhere. I was never so glad to see my mother and the guiding light, let me tell you. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

And that day I said to myself, if I ever have kids, I am going to tell them every scary fairy tale in the world, [audience laughter] because there really are big bad wolves and they're in the woods and they will eat you up. I'll tell you something else. There are giants who will steal all your money, so they can live in a palace while you're starving, and you know that. [audience applause]

 

What I learned that day was that a story can make you cry, it can make you laugh, it can entertain you. But that day, a story saved me. It saved me. I love being here, and I thank you for listening to my story.