Christine Blackburn - Baggage Claim 

 

 

So, I used to be a flight attendant. And the flight attendant school, the training that we had to go to was absolutely ridiculous. And they had so many rules. You could be kicked out for anything at any time. Like, the wrong color nail polish, or if your earrings were bigger than a quarter, or if you weren't wearing a beige bra. For some reason, I thought, being a flight attendant, a lot of the training would be focused on safety. [audience chuckles] How to open an emergency door, maybe use a fire extinguisher. But really, it was all about making weight. 

 

Every week, we had to stand in a big auditorium in a single file, and they would call our name one by one. And one lady had a clipboard, and she would shout, "Blackburn. 5’4” can weigh 120." I'd sit by and say, "Does weigh 119." I would always just make it. But it was very, very serious. If you didn't make weight, you were out there and then, right then, bam. They put you on a van, they take you to the airport, and they fly you back to wherever you came from. [audience chuckles] 

 

No, it was very serious. I burned through three roommates because of the weight thing. Super crazy. And then, they were also very into the uniform, right? So, we had to wear navy pumps and navy nylons all the time through the terminal and boarding and deplaning, unless were actually serving and then we could put our flats on. For seven years, I wore navy pumps and beige bras. Vvery unattractive. 

 

They were also very big on our serving garment. The serving garment was like an apron. You could only wear the serving garment when you were serving food, when you were boarding and deplaning, you had to have on your blazer. So, that was a whole different thing. And to illustrate this and how important it was, one time during Accident Week, which is like Shark Week, but with airplane accidents, [audience laughter] we were watching this Air Florida crash. Maybe you remember it in the early 1980s, this jet just flew right into the Potomac River into a bridge. 

 

Everybody died, except for five people. It was in January, and it was freezing, and there's icebergs in the water, and we were watching this tape, and there's a flight attendant being pulled out of the water, dangling on a rope by a helicopter. The whole thing, she's being carried away. The instructor stops the VCR, and she says, "You see that? Is that what you want? You want to be on national television in your serving garment?" [audience laughter] So, just to illustrate how exactly ridiculous all of these rules were.

 

I did graduate training. And six months later, I'm taking a flight. I'm going from JFK to West Palm Beach. By the way, the passengers can be described in two words. kosher meal. [audience laughter] I'm working first class, and this lady comes suddenly between the curtains, and she comes up and she whispers in my ear, "Excuse me, stewardess, just so you know, Mr. Klein in 5C just passed away." [audience laughter] "I'm sorry, what?" And she goes, "I'm his nurse. He's dead." [audience laughter] She turns around, and she walks back through the curtain, and she sits down. I'm thinking, "Well, there has to be a rule for this" 

 

So, I go to the flight attendant manual, and there is a rule. Boom. "If a passenger dies in your flight, do not panic. Act naturally. Place an oxygen mask over their nose and mouth. Adjust the elastic band around your head, and you may want to put a blanket in their lap." So, I head back between the curtains-- I head back to coach with an oxygen bottle and a blanket, and I walk through the curtain, and I see the dude, and he's 150, and he's like, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Hey, Mr. Klein, I heard you're not feeling well." [audience laughter] I'm putting on the oxygen mask. "Hey, I'm adjusting the air thing. Would you like a blanket? Here's a blanket. Here's the oxygen mask." 

 

So, I go back and I tell the pilots, I'm like, "You guys, the nurse said he's dead." And they said, "Well, that's what it is. So, we have to continue the flight." And now, we land in West Palm Beach. I get out of my serving garment, I put my blazer back on, I put my heels back on, and we land. I think, "Okay, this is obvious. We're going to take all the passengers off and then get the dead guy off." But no, no, no, that's not the rules. The rule is the dead guy goes off first. 

 

So, we pull up to the gate, I open the door, these fricking paramedics rush in and the whole charade continues. They've got a straight back chair, and they're like, "Oh, we're coming Mr. Klein.  [audience laughter] Don't you worry." And they're like, "We got you. Don't you worry, sir. Put your hands over your chest." They strap them around this dolly and then they dolly him off. But who am I to break the rules? I said, "Okay. Take care, Mr. Klein. Nice flying with us. Thanks so much. You have a great day."