Dan Kennedy - And How Does That Make You Feel 

 

 

So, a couple months ago, I guess I walk into this party in New York. I see this guy and I see him around at a lot of different parties, I see him at a lot of different events. He's a therapist. I always go over to him and I say hello, because I gravitate towards therapists at parties. [audience laughter] I actually sadly consider this progress. [audience laughter] I go up to him, I say “Hello”, and we talk for maybe five minutes and I feel better. Every time I see this guy and I bump into him at a party and I say, hello to him, I'm in a better mood. I think to myself, "Maybe I should have a better plan for my mental health than just bumping into this guy at parties." [audience laughter] I think maybe I should go back to therapy. 

 

But I don't really want to go back to therapy. I don't think, because my thing was in therapy for years, I had such a clean break with it. Like, I got the tools I needed to go off and not have to do it anymore. And it came to a really clean end. I don't take it for granted, because I hear a lot of people talk about therapy and they never quite know when it ends. It's like, "Do you think you're ready for it to end?” “I don't know.” “Do you think I'm thinking I'm ready for it to end, [audience laughter] because you think I thought that or--" And this can go on for years. [audience laughter] So, before I get back in that situation, I really need to think about it. 

 

See, in 1998, my life wasn't going super hot. By that, I mean, I was working at a 9-5 job that I hated. I was in a terrible relationship, really. I mean, great person. Things were just on a downhill slide for a long time, largely helped by me, I'm sure. Also, I wasn't really doing anything that I love. My idea of writing, which is something I said I wanted to do, was to go to restaurants after my 09:00 to 05:00 job let out, and just drink lots of mid-priced cocktails, and eat really bad appetizers, and talk about how I'm probably a genius, [audience laughter] which is not really the hallmark of genius, ironically enough.

 

So, I had this group of friends. Their lives all seemed to get better as time went on. Not in any necessarily big flashy way, but their apartments got nicer as time went by, their relationships got stronger as life went by, their jobs got better, they got promoted, they did more interesting things as time went by. I was living backwards. As time went by, my apartments got smaller and worse. [audience chuckles] As time went by, my relationships, they ended frankly. [audience laughter] 

 

And I thought, "Well, maybe I should find out what's up with these guys." The one thing they all had in common is they talked to this guy named Milton. So, I'm real sleuth and I'm like, “Hmm.” I watched this for another year and I'm like, [audience laughter] "Maybe I should talk to Milton." So, I go, "Would it be weird if I talked to Milton?" They go, "It wouldn't be weird at all. you should call him up, get an appointment." So, I go, "Great."

 

I call this guy up. I get an appointment. I'm going to see him Fridays at 06:30. So, great. I go in, I meet him. He looks like a real southern gentleman from this other era. He's very lanky, he's tall, he's an older guy, gray, wears suits, real like dapper dresser. And so, we start this thing. I like the fact that he's not a therapist. He's a licensed social worker. He's a counselor, which really fits with my like nuts and bolts approach to this. I'm not going to be laying on a Mies van der Rohe daybed, mumbling about luxury problems clearly. So, this is right up my alley. 

 

He has this special method. It largely involves making jokes about me [audience laughter] and I get the point through this humor. And so, I talk to him about things. I go tell him whatever I'm going through. Because I never knew how to say no, for instance. I would always just say yes. So, it's like, if I'm out to dinner with somebody, I can tell is trouble, and they go, "You want me in a relationship?" I'm like, "Yes. Yeah, sounds funny. [audience chuckles] Even though I'm not nuts about being at dinner with you. Let's give this one to three years." [audience laughter]

 

It would be like, "Would you like this job for this salary?" And I'd think, "How the hell am I going to live on that in New York City?" And I'd go like, "Yes, thank you very much. That'll be fine." So, I was telling Milton about this one time and he goes, "Oh, well, have you ever read A Thousand Times No?" And I'm thinking, "Oh God, here comes like the cheesy self-help book assignment." But I want to be willing and get my life together and all that shit. [audience laughter] So, I'm like, "Oh gosh, I haven't [audience laughter] read that, but I'm really willing to get a copy and check one out." [audience laughter] I go, "I will definitely buy one." I'm thinking like, "No." And he goes, "Oh, hang on, I think I've got a copy in the other room." And I'm like, "Fuck. Terrific. All right. Great." 

 

So, he comes back with this 8.5 by 11 sheet of paper, and it just says No A Thousand Times on it. He thought this was pretty funny. I thought, "I think I like this dude. [audience laughter] This is going to work." I was telling him something about a terrible week I had had, and I was like, "This isn't going great. My job sucks, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah." And he goes, "How many beers did you have this week?" And I'm like, "Well, I get what you're saying. It wasn't a total write-off. I got to have some beers. [audience laughter] I get it. Don't be negative." [audience laughter] 

 

 So, I was like, "Well, yeah, it's true. I did get to have some beers." And then, I was like, "Oh, wait a minute. Are you saying there's a link between my drinking and things not going well for me?" [audience laughter] He leans back and he goes, "Well, you're part Irish, your last name's Kennedy, and all your heroes are writers, so let's just keep an eye on it." [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]

 

I was like, "All right, I get what you're saying there." And it planted this seed, his humor planted this seed. So, I thought, “All right.” I had been writing things. They were terrible. As the time went by, they were mostly like very not commercially viable things, very short things on the Internet. Like, I wrote a piece called Rejected Riddles by Depressives. [audience laughter] And what I would have said to Sylvia Plath had I been her boyfriend, [audience laughter] gems like this. 

 

But occasionally, I would get these emails from junior editors at publishers. I would tell him about that. Say, "Today, this junior editor at a publisher emailed me. It made me feel like I'm doing something." And he's like, "Oh, they're rolling out the red carpet for you young man." [audience laughter] I'm like, "What?" I'm like, "No, that's not even-- Forget it. It's not even why I mentioned it." 

 

But the other awkward thing is that-- well, two things, really. He taught me to cry, sort of apropos of nothing. I found that a little awkward. He was like, "Sometimes when things get painful, what I do is I put on some sad music, I get a towel or a handkerchief, and I sit down on the couch and I let the feelings come and then you move on." [audience chuckles] And I was like, "Okay, that's great for you. I will never be using that, by the way." [audience chuckles] He also had this weird thing with his humor. 

 

He started getting into stand-up comedy at age 65, which made for a weird relationship sometimes, because he finished this session where you're talking about all this stuff, and he would go like, "Well, I'm afraid we're out of time, but if you got five minutes, I'd like to show you this DVD of the set I did at Caroline's on Tuesday." [audience laughter] you'd literally be like, standing in the living room, after you talked about all this really intimate stuff and you'd be like, "It's pretty good about how women don't care about you or whatever. That's a good joke, I guess. It's a little weird. Sir, I should go now." [audience laughter]

 

So, I should also mention that one of the ways I start to realize that I'm close to somebody is I find myself thinking about their death a lot. I know most folks, you probably just look at the beautiful person across from you at the table and go, "I care about you. You're very special to me." I, on the other hand, just get quiet and start imagining them dead [audience chuckles] and how sad I'll be when that happens. So, needless to say, Valentine's Day is a pretty loaded holiday for me. [audience laughter] It's like long, morose, quiet day where I'm just re-envisioning someone I really love's funeral and getting depressed.

 

So, Valentine's Day, 2002, the day after it, I have a session. So, I get there early, February 15th, I think. “I want to be on time for this. It's probably going to be a little bit loaded after this sick holiday that people have.” I get there, I buzz the door, Milton's not answering, so it's a little bit weird. Buzz it again. He's still not answering. I wait five minutes, buzz it. No answer. Call him on his cell phone. He's not answering. So, I go, "Hmm, this is really weird." So, I'm thinking about it and I'm like, "Well, I got to take some kind of action." He always taught me that time is finite and you have to always take action. That's what keeps you from getting sad and stagnant. 

 

So, I'm ringing again. I guess that's action. I ring it again, nothing's happening. Cleaning lady comes running down and she goes, "Come quick, it's Milton. Come quick." And I go, "Oh shit. I didn't sign up for any of this. This is terrible." So, I go in, I start running up the stairs, and I'm thinking, "I don't want to wait for the elevator." I'm thinking, "I don't know what I'm running into”, but I just keep thinking what he said to me. “Always move forward. Always choose activity." So, I'm charging up the steps, going, "I don't know what the hell I'm going to do." 

 

I'm thinking, "Well, I always said when you go forward, you'll be able to intuitively handle what used to baffle you." So, I'm going, "Jesus. Okay, okay." So, I get up there, I look around, I call his name. I don't see him anywhere. Then suddenly I see him, and he's in his bathrobe still. I'm like, "That's really weird. I mean, he's not normal for him at all." I go, "Milton. Milton." I call his name. He doesn't respond. I run up to him and I feel him, and I go, "Oh my God." And he's dead. I just think he's just left. It's just that simple. He's gone, but he left this here. 

 

So, I'm like, “I don't know what to do. So, who do you call? Like, the police? It seems a little silly. An ambulance? It's too late for that.” So, I think, "Well, just call 911. They'll intuitively know how to handle this." So, I call them and I go, "Who do you send for something like this?" They go, "We'll send an ambulance and medical examiner." And I go, "Okay. All right, cool." So, that's handled. In the time it takes them to get there, I have 10 minutes to sit and just say goodbye. I'm sitting and I'm thinking about how much better my life has gotten because of this man over the years. I've not been drinking over the years. I've been doing my writing. I, at the time, now have my first book contract. 

 

My first book is coming out in just a few months at this time. I realize I'll be dedicating it to him. I'm in a great relationship at this point, one that I'm still in 11 years later. I'm thinking of all the things he changed in all the other people's lives, all my friends lives that he's touched and that he's changed and thinking it's amazing. And then, I think about how he said, "Days are finite. We only have so many." I look at him and I think, "Certainly drove that home in this session, Sir." [audience laughter] 

 

The medical examiner comes, and I say one final goodbye, and I take off. And for the week after that, I was numb. I didn't really feel anything. This surprised me. But a week later, I'm in the apartment and something's happening. I'm going, "Oh, he's not coming back. There's not going to be any more Friday nights at 06:30. He's totally gone." And I'm like, "Oh, no. I'm having feelings. Oh, no. Okay. All right. Right, right, right. He told me what to do." So, I go into the bathroom. I get a towel. Okay, get a towel. I'll sit on the edge of the couch. He's like, "Oh, music. You have to put on sad classical music." I don't have any sad classical music. I look through my CDs, it's all pretty much punk rock. So, I'm like, “I'm going to put on Black Flag or Fear and weep violently. [audience chuckles] And that's going to be more disturbing than what I went through, I think.” [audience laughter] 

 

But my girlfriend had this CD of this guy who just-- I never saw the point of it. He just plays this cello, and it just goes forever. I mean, forever, in the key of D, sad. [audience laughter] It's just like the most grim notes and they go forever, and I thought, "Now I know why this man made his record.” [audience chuckles] I put it in the CD player, I get my towel, I sit, the feelings come, I feel them, and then I move forward. Thanks. It.