Laura Hitchcock - An Instrumental Crisis

 

 

When I was eight years old, I decided that I wanted to learn to play the trumpet. I went to my first ever class with my new teacher, and I loved it instantly. And he said to me, “Look, if you really stick at this, then maybe one day your parents will buy you a trumpet of your very own. But until then, you can borrow mine. I've had this trumpet for 18 years, so I'm trusting you to look after it.” [audience laughter] When he said that to me, I just felt so important, because being trusted to do anything when you're eight years old just still feels like a really big deal. 

 

I took it home, and I immediately started practicing. I sounded horrible, but I didn't care. Once I finished, I thought about what he said to me, and I got out one of those yellow polishing cloths, and I started buffing it really hard with all the strength that my twiggy little eight-year-old arms would allow. Once I'd finished, it looked amazing. I went to put it away only to realize that the position I'd been polishing it in had gotten the mouthpiece completely stuck in the instrument, and that's not meant to happen. [audience chuckles] 

 

I panicked and I was desperate to be able to fix it by myself. I was pulling, but I just couldn't do it. So, I went to my parents and asked for their help, and they couldn't do it either. My mum panicked, because I told her all about how important this instrument was. She just looked at my dad and I, and she was like, “You two need to fix this, because Laura, you can't go into school tomorrow unless that trumpet looks the way that it should be.” 

 

So, my dad and I got to work. We went into the garage and we were looking around for a tool that maybe we could use. And eventually, my dad says, “If we blow out this pipe here, then we could stick something in the other end and we could push the mouthpiece out from the inside.” That sounded like a really good idea. [audience laughter] So, we had a look around the garage and we eventually found this bamboo garden cane. It was about four feet tall and it was the perfect thickness. We put it in the end of the trumpet, and my dad's ready one side because he's got a hammer and he's going to tap on the end to knock it out. [audience laughter] I'm ready on the other side, because I'm listening for that like, pah, and I'm going to catch it when it comes out. [audience laughter] 

 

So, he has the hammer and he taps, but nothing happens, the mouthpiece doesn't come out. And that's when we realize that we've got the four-foot-long garden cane stuck in the other end of the trumpet. [audience laughter] My mum comes in to see how we're doing, and we're just both stood there looking at this old trumpet. The mouthpiece is still stuck. The four-foot-long garden cane is stuck on the other end and the situation is looking worse, and she's just like, “I'm ringing my brother. Get in the car. Go, go, go.” 

 

So, we get in the car. It's like 30 miles to my uncle's house, and we're driving fast down the motorway, because we've got this urgent patient in the backseat that urgently needs our help. [audience laughter] Because my family is like the living embodiment of a Mr. Bean sketch, none of us had thought to cut down the length of the cane. [audience laughter] So, we just had the back window open and the cane sticking out. [audience laughter] 

 

We get to my uncle's house, and he's like this science enthusiast, and he immediately has a plan. And it's a plan that each of us has a role. So, my dad has the garden peas. He's given these two bags of frozen garden peas, and he's to hold them to the body of the trumpet really, really tightly. And my uncle, he has the oven mitts, and his job is to hold the front of the trumpet into an oven that we have preheated just for this. [audience laughter] And my job is I'm standing at the back, and I'm just hanging onto the cane. I don't think anyone needed me to be doing that, but I just like, I really wanted to be a part of it. [audience laughter] 

 

I'm there and I'm waiting and I'm feeling sick, because I'm thinking I can never go to school again. I can maybe go to prison. [audience laughter] I mean, I've destroyed this property and it's looking really bad. I'm hanging onto this garden cane, and I'm looking at us and we look so ridiculous. And then, I didn't pay attention in science class, so I didn't understand and I still don't understand why we were doing this, but it was something to do with thermodynamics. And like those laws, they have these laws of thermodynamics and those laws are real. Because the next thing I know, I'm stood there and I'm holding just a garden cane, and my uncle is holding just a mouthpiece, and my dad is holding just a trumpet, and this relief floods over to me. I can go back to school. I don't have to be a criminal for the rest of my life. [audience laughter] 

 

When we get home, my mum makes me promise, never, ever tell anybody about what happened that night. [audience laughter] She doesn't need to ask, because I just want to pretend the whole thing never happened. I want to go back to being that person who can be trusted to do things and doesn't make things go horribly, horribly wrong. And so, I'm like, “I will never tell anyone, ever.” And the next day I get home from school and I've kept that secret for the whole day. My parents sit me down, and they say that they've been discussing what happened the night before. I think this is where I actually get told off, because we were in such a panic that never really happened. They say they've been discussing what happened, and they've come to the decision that what they really want to do is they want to buy me a trumpet of my very own.