Holly Rutter - An Apple a Day

 

I'm going to tell the story of the last online food shop I did. [audience laughter] My life is really exciting. It was a few years ago, so I haven't online shop since because it was a bad experience. Normally, what you can do is in order to secure the delivery slot for the next day, you just select an item and then you buy it and then you can revisit it maybe four hours later and add things. So, I just went on there, I picked the first thing that was on my previous delivery, which was a single apple. And then, I complete my order, I pay for it, maybe I go and do something else, watch some YouTube, have a cup of tea. And then, I come back-- 

 

Oh, this is also a Saturday night, I didn't mention that. [audience laughter] I'm on my own on a Saturday night. [audience laughter] Yeah, you can keep laughing, because it was that sad. About midnight, I think, oh, I'm going to finish my order. I'm excited. I've got maybe a salmon I'm going to cook. [audience laughter] And so, I go on there to edit my order and it tells me, no. It says, you can't edit your order now. And I was like, “No, I can though. Let me.” [audience laughter] And it says, no, no, no, we can't let you edit your order after midnight, because we're too busy packing your order. I was like, “No, you're not though. Please let me change it.” 

 

So, it doesn't let me. So, I tried calling and I obviously can't call, because it's midnight on a Saturday night. Even the people that work at Tesco are doing something and I'm not. And so, I think, oh, I don't know what to do. So, I just have to go to bed, really. [audience laughter] So, I set my alarm for 08:00 the next morning and I think, well, you know, this is when my order comes. Also, it's a Sunday, so the delivery is double. So, the delivery was six pounds. [audience laughter] So, I think, oh, well, this is happening. This is something that will always have happened to me and I can't change that now. [audience laughter] So, I think that's the worst thing. 

 

I think the worst thing I thought was maybe paying for the apple. [audience laughter] But then, I forget that a man has to give me the apple. [audience laughter] I think, oh, the exchange is going to be even worse. [audience laughter] So, I set my alarm for 08:00 and it's between 08:00 and 10:00, so I think, okay. So, I'm sat there just biding my time, waiting for the apple to arrive. [audience laughter] I don't have breakfast, because you know, the apple's coming. [audience laughter] I sat there, and I'm looking out my window every now and again and then I see the van and I think, oh, it's time. 

 

And then, the van stops and I see him get out of the front. I think, oh God. And then he goes to the back. He opens the entire side of the Tesco van. [audience laughter] I see everyone shopping and I think, oh, mine's such a small part of that. [audience laughter] I see him reaching and I'm looking the whole time and he takes out a bag and then he's got the receipt and I think, oh. And then, he walks down my little road and I think, oh, God, do I say anything? So, I lean out the door and say, “Oh, it's for me. Hello, it's for me.” He walks down and he's holding the bag with the apple in it. He's also holding the receipt. He looks from one to the other a few times and then looks at me, and I'm like, “Hi.” 

 

And then, he comes to the door and he says, “Is this a mistake?” And I was like, “Yes, [audience laughter] of course, it's a mistake.” Then he says, “Did you not try and change it?” And I was like, “Yes, this is the last resort for me also. Really didn't want this to happen.” And then, I say, “Are there any substitutions?” [audience laughter] And he looks like he's going to cry for me. So, “Oh, can I have my apple please?” So, I take the apple, he leaves. I've never eaten a bit of fruit so completely as my £6.40 apple. [audience laughter] I haven't done a Tesco online shop since and I never will. Thank you.