Greg Walloch - About To Eat Cake

 

I live in New York City and New York City can be completely overwhelming. So, the other day I was feeling kind of stressed out and I decided that I was just going to forget about life for a while and go downtown [audience chuckles] and get a piece of cake. [audience laughter] Because you guys ever have one of those days when it just seems like a piece of cake is going to make everything so much better? [audience laughter] So I headed down to the Magnolia Bakery. And I am standing there in line and I start to relax because I think about this guy that I met recently in the city. I did not even know him. He just came right up to me In the street and he said, "I'd Like to give you a piece of advice." And I said, "Sure," because you know I am always up for good advice. [audience laughter] And he said, "You look really stressed out. You should pick three things you can do really well every day and then just let the rest go."

 

And I thought that was fantastic advice for anyone living in any big city. Pick three things you can do really well every day and then let the rest go. But I thought about it and I remembered that guy did not have any teeth. [audience laughter] So, I guess ‘brush my teeth’ did not make his top three list very often. But I am standing there in line at the bakery, and I am saying this mantra to myself that I made up, that I say when I am feeling kind of down and I want to share it with you tonight. It goes like this. You close your eyes, you take a deep breath, and you say, "May I feel like I feel when I'm about to eat cake?" [audience laughter] 

 

And you do you think cake, like, you might get some, [audience laughter] and you feel better. It works every single time. And I am standing there at the bakery now, and I am almost to the counter when my cell phone rings. It is my friend Karen. She is down South. She has just been dumped by her boyfriend. She was dating a gay Elvis impersonator. [audience laughter] Now, I knew he was gay, and so did everybody else, only she did not. And I realize it is so strange how sometimes we can fall in love with people and we can barely even see them. And I thought that impersonators should have tipped her off a little bit, [audience laughter] but I could see that the Elvis part would kind of throw you. [audience laughter] And I said to her, "Karen, Karen, it's okay. It's okay. You know, it's going to get better. And these things happen for a reason." But I realized how difficult that must be to hear when the Elvis, you thought you knew and loved, turned out to be totally queer. [audience laughter] 

 

He left her a note on the pillow that said, "I've fallen in love with a man. I'm flying back to New York. Thank you very much. [audience laughter] Good night." And I knew right then what I had to do. I had to go South. I had to see my friend. So, about a week later, I booked a ticket to Georgia and I flew South. And when I got on the plane, it just felt so good to get out of the city for a while. And I always have this kind of yin for the South anyway, because I keep having this recurring dream that I am this beautiful black woman down South. [audience chuckles] And I am sitting on my back porch braiding my daughter's hair. [audience chuckles] We are looking out, watching the fireflies fade into the dusk. And then I wake up.

 

And I can't tell if that is like a past life or if that is just every gay man's fantasy. [audience laughter] But at the same time, I do believe there is a beautiful black woman down South. She is sitting on her back porch braiding her daughter's hair. They are looking out, watching the fireflies fade into the dusk. And she leans over and she says "Honey, I keep having this strange dream. [audience laughter] I'm a gay man, I'm living in New York City. I'm walking with crutches and I'm eating a piece of cake. Do you think that's real or is that just every black woman's fantasy?" [audience laughter and clap]

 

So, the plane touches down in Georgia. And I want to get my friend Karen a gift. So, I go into the airport and go to the bookshop and I walk straight to the self-help section because that is the perfect place to start post-gay Elvis’ impersonator breakup. [audience laughter] And I am standing there looking through the books, and I come across that book, Heal Your Body by Louise Hay. And I am flipping through it, looking up things like lower back pain and canker sores. But then I look up cerebral palsy and it is in there and it says, "Cerebral Palsy. Brought to this earth to heal the family with one sweeping gesture of love."

 

Brought to this earth to heal the family with one sweeping gesture of love. The words kind of glared off the page at me. And I threw the book down and I thought, “You know, I do not really want that job. [audience chuckles] I mean, I am just trying to have a life. Fuck Louise Hay, man. [audience laughter] Fuck Louise Hay. Which is a very useful mantra, by the way. [audience laughter] And I have used it many times since. And I do not mean to imply that the people down South were in any way overly conservative, but I did notice that a lot of the books on Judaism were in the occult section. [audience laughter] So, I just decided to go. [audience laughter] 

 

And when I got to my friend Karen's house, she was doing kind of bad. And I said, "Come on, let's go out. Let's go for a ride." And we got in the car and we drove for hours. And the amazing thing about being down South is that it seems like, to me anyway, that if you drive just far enough, there are not that many houses anymore. There is just these soft, green rolling hills and the sun is shining. But there are these little churches everywhere [audience chuckles] and they have these marquees out front with the most amazing sayings on them. [audience chuckles] And one of them said, "We love you, and there is nothing you can do about it." [audience laughter] So, we decided to check that out. [audience laughter] So, we walked into the church, and it was a Southern Baptist televangelist church. And when we walk in, cameras are on, cranes swinging around the room. And the minister is up there preaching how Christ is going to come down and wipe the blood of the sinners from the seat of judgment. And I did not really understand him. I just heard spilling of the blood of sinners as I was walking in and I was sure he was talking about me. [audience chuckles] And we sat down in the front pew, the only place left open.

 

And right then, this woman and a couple of other men from the church come up to me, and she says, "Can I ask you a question?" And I said, "Sure." And she said, "Are you comfortable?" And I said, "Well. It's a little hot in here." [audience laughter] And she said, "No. Are you comfortable living in that body?" “Yes, you know what? I am, so just move along.” [audience laughter] But she and the other men took me to where the minister was preaching. And he grabbed my head, [audience chuckles] and he said, "I want you to get the devil out of your body. I want you to throw down those canes and walk. I want you to get the devil out of your body. I want you to throw down those canes and walk. I want you to get the devil out of your body." And then, palm flat, smacked me in the forehead. [audience laughter] But instead of falling over, I just sort of leaned back. And then I came up again. And he actually seemed kind of mad. [audience laughter] Like I was not working with him. [audience laughter] So, he knelt down on his knees in front of me, and he starts rubbing my legs. And he says, "I want you to get the devil out of your legs. Get the devil out of your legs." And, oh, my God, guess what happened? I got an erection. [audience laughter] Which even for me, is completely out of control. [audience laughter] And I am looking down thinking, "Well, I'm certainly going to go to hell now." [audience laughter]

 

And he is down there rubbing my legs. "Get the devil out of your legs. Get the devil out of your legs." And I am thinking, "Sir, that's not where the devil is right now." [audience laughter] And the funny thing is I can actually put down these canes and stand on my own and walk a few steps, not very far.” But, you guys, I do not know if it was the cameras or the pressure, but I just did not know how to get out of it. So, I put down one cane, and then I put down the other. And for just a second, I stood up. And the congregation starts freaking out. [audience laughter] And the minister looks at me like, "Oh, my God, I actually did it." [audience laughter] And I always did sort of want to be on TV. [audience laughter] I just never thought it would happen that way. [audience laughter] Which just goes to show, the Lord does indeed work in mysterious ways. [audience chuckles]

 

But while it was happening, while I was in the middle of it, I wanted to say, "Stop. Wait. I mean, I'm okay. Who are you to decide that I need to be healed of this? Can you make me less neurotic? [audience chuckles] Can you get me a better job? How about the perfect boyfriend? But not this. This just isn't at the top of my list." But I was not brave and I did not tell him. And then for just a second, I thought, "What if he really did have the ability to heal people and somehow it didn't happen because I was the most cynical one in the room."

 

Right then my friend Karen comes up and she grabs me by the shoulder and she says, "Come on, let's get out of here." And we get in the car and we drive in silence for hours. And we end up back in Athens, Georgia, and we are sitting there at The Grit restaurant, and my friend Karen is across from me with her triple-layer white sponge cake with chocolate frosting. And I have my German chocolate cake. And as I sink my fork down through the layers, I think, "This is what it's about. These are the moments where we find our faith in the joy of the anticipation of the moment. Because there will always be fantasies about being someone else. And there will always be people who want to heal you so they can feel better. And there will always be a gay Elvis impersonator [audience chuckles] who will break your heart.” [audience chuckles] So, I sit back and I open wide and I say, "May I feel like I feel when I'm about to eat cake."