Catherine Palmer - A Toast

 

My husband stays home with our two boys. And this wasn't an accident of circumstance. This was a conscious decision on his part. It's a lot like his parenting, really thoughtful and purposeful. You're probably thinking this is kind of a recipe for an idyllic childhood when there's an adult who looks out for you, and you're the most important thing to them. And you're right. You probably also don't think this is a recipe for a vice-filled childhood or a vice-filled story. But you'd be wrong, because my kids have two parents and I'm the other one. [audience chuckles] 

 

I don't stay home with my boys. I actually work a lot. And as part of my work, I travel quite a bit. I've always been worried that the boys, when they're older, will look back and feel like I was the parent that wasn't around. So, my solution to that is whenever I travel for work, I just bring everybody with me. So, we've really given a new meaning to No Child Left Behind. [audience chuckles] 

 

When I had a meeting in Jackson Hole, Wyoming, which is the home of the Grand Tetons, it wasn't a surprise that everybody packed up to come along. So, this was a meeting of really close colleagues. These are people who work really hard, but they play even harder. So, after the first day of intense presentations, they had a big outdoor barbecue and they roasted an entire bison. And for two little boys, it doesn't really get better than that. 

 

So, we're about an hour into this party, and I look around and I realize people are pretty intoxicated. There's a lot of Wild Turkey being consumed. I don't drink actually, when I'm on the road with my boys, and you probably think I'm being a good role model, but I actually have this plan to make up for the fact that I'm not a thoughtful parent. I kind of parent at random and often not with great results. [audience laughter] So, I have this plan that if either of my boys ever needs a kidney when we're traveling, I will be sober and able to donate. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

Now, I don't know how often people need emergency kidneys, but I take great pride in knowing that I'm going to finally be that go-to person for my boys. [audience chuckles] So, we're an hour into this party, it's getting dark, I'm definitely the last person left sober, and I realize I have not seen my five-year-old or eight-year-old in about 30 minutes. So, I start to look. And in the distance, I see the boys. I'm looking and I realize it looks like they both have shot glasses in their hands. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I start to move a little faster. I must have looked concerned, because the bartender yelled out, "Ma'am, don't worry, that's not Wild Turkey. They're drinking the Red Death." [audience chuckles] Not sure how that was meant to make me feel better. [audience laughter] But as I continued on, he said, "That's a Shirley Temple in a shot glass." I get to the boys, and they're with two of my colleagues who definitely have Wild Turkey in their shot glasses. They've raised their glasses and suddenly, I hear my sweet little five-year-old say, "Let's drink to long legged women." [audience laughter] 

 

Needless to say, it's time to call it a night. Much to my boys' dismay, we say our goodbyes and we head back to the cabin. This is clearly a parenting moment. There are lessons to be learned about respecting alcohol, respecting women, respecting ourselves. But I'm not that parent. I'm from New England. When we are confronted with uncomfortable situations, we really like to ignore them. [audience laughter] And honestly, when is this ever going to come up again? [audience laughter] 

 

So, fast forward a month, we're back home. It's the Sunday before Thanksgiving. We're headed to church. I teach in my older boys' classroom. And church is important to us. And like most churches, we're focused on Thanksgiving holiday that Sunday before. I think most churches are focused on that teamwork between Native Americans, and pilgrims, and all the things we have to be thankful for. But not our church. We're Unitarians. If you don't know what that is,- [audience cheers and applause] -that's a questioning religion that provides no answers and precious little comfort in times of need. [audience laughter] So, in the older boys' classroom, we're really focused on the sham that is Thanksgiving that really set up the Native Americans to be screwed by their new friends. [audience chuckles] But the little ones where my younger son is, they're focused on being thankful, which is nice.

 

So, about 15 minutes left of church, and it's my job to get the sacrifice for the older kids. So, I go to the snack table. When you're standing there, you can see into the little kids' classroom without being seen. It's a great way to check on my little man each day, each Sunday. So, as I'm gathering together the vegan, gluten, and peanut-free snack for the older kids, [audience laughter] I take a look in, and I see they've set a Thanksgiving table complete with cornucopia and cute little Thanksgiving plates. I'm kind of captivated, so I watch for a couple minutes and I see the teachers pouring everybody a cup of juice, and I hear her say, "We should have a toast. What should we drink to?" [audience laughter] 

 

 That phrase is oddly familiar, right as I hear my little one yell, "To long legged women." [audience laughter] So, I freeze. You can't unhear things, and this can't be fixed. So, in true New England style, I back away, reconciled to the fact that we're going to have to change religions. [audience laughter] I'm thinking Methodist, they're pretty liberal and I think that'll work. 

 

So, church ends. And my only goal is to get out of this building without talking to Grant's teacher. I'm pretty sure she's thinking of cornering me, or calling Child and Youth Services. And honestly, I'm cheering for Child and Youth Services [audience laughter] as I feel her hand on my arm saying, "Do you have a minute?" I don't have a minute. I have to find the Methodist church. I have to get the kids enrolled. But I say, "Of course."

 

As she tells me a story I already know, I'm racking my brain for an explanation that doesn't sound something like, "Oh, it's something he picked up when he was doing shots with my friends." [audience laughter] There's no upside in that explanation. It cements in the fact that I'm not a responsible parent. So, when she pauses, I don't say anything. And she pats my hand and she says, "I know the boys are home all day alone with your husband." [audience awe] 

 

Now, do I defend the man who has literally dedicated his life to these children and would never say anything disrespectful about women? I do not. [audience laughter] I pat her hand, and look into her eyes, and I say, "I've had some concerns." [audience laughter] And in this moment in time, I am finally the responsible parent when the perfect dad is cast as the degenerate. And on the way home, as I bask in my new role as responsible parent, I realize I didn't even have to give up a kidney.