Usra Gahzi - A Hijabi's Campfire Confessions

 

 

I'm the nerdiest kid in my family. In my rebellious phase in high school, I got really, really religious. I started wearing hijab, or headscarf. I changed the radio presets in my family's car, all of them to NPR, the least sinful of stations [audience laughter] with the least amount of music, a gateway to bad behaviors. I didn't do drugs, didn't do sleepovers and followed all the rules. I even somehow convinced my parents, or tried to, that not wearing your seatbelt in the car was also a violation of Sharia law. [audience laughter] 

 

And so, when I got my very first invitation to go on a camping trip with a bunch of honor students in my freshman year of college, I thought, maybe it's time for me to explore my wild side. So, I went over to my mom and I said, “Hey, I'm going on this mixed gender camping trip. There will be boys. Don't tell Dad.” I made her swear not to. And then, I started to panic, what do you take on a camping trip with some really cool honor students? Als 

 

All right. So, I had my sleeping bag from Muslim camp. Check. I had my portable prayer rug. Check. I got halal marshmallows, so that I can make Islamically compliant s'mores. [audience laughter] Check. I even went out and found Kosher Hot dogs and deli meat, because I couldn't find them at the Muslim store. That's what you eat when you go camping, right? 

 

So, I took all of these things on the day that my friends arrived in a van to pick me up a block away from where we lived. I got in the car and told myself, even though I was feeling anxious, that I should repeat the phrase, be cool, Gahzi, and go with the flow. And then, I immediately put on my seatbelt, because you know sharia law. [audience laughter] 

 

So, that first night of camping was wild. There was, firstly, a guitar. [audience laughter] We all sat around a campfire, sang Beatles songs and told stories. And there started to be some weird things that I noticed. I recognized these red plastic cups making their way around the circle. One was passed to me, and my nerdy senses were tingling, is that an alcoholic beverage that I smell among the fruity hints? And so, I passed that on, thinking, oh my God, I'm underage. This is crazy. And then, I saw something that can only be described as the long wooden smoking pipe that belonged to Gandalf the Grey from [audience laughter] the Tolkien wizard from the Lord of the Rings series. 

 

Now, I am familiar with the puff-puff pass ritual, but this pipe was making its way to me pretty quickly. And so, I freaked out and turned to the girl next to me, who happened to be just as much of a nerd as I am, and I whispered really loudly, “Hey, are you going to take a hit?” She turned to me, a little too cool for school, and said, “Yeah. You?” [audience laughter] So, I said, “Yeah, I'm going to go with the flow,” remembering my mantra. Before I knew it, Gandalf's pipe was in my hands. I held that pipe for what felt like hours, which was probably only a few seconds, but I thought, oh my God, what am I going to do? 

 

My heart was racing. My mind was doing mental gymnastics, trying to think about the legalities and the morality of whether or not one can take a hit. And then, I took a deep breath and quickly passed it on to the nerd on my right. Just as I was doing that, all of us started to hear the siren of a patrol car, whoop, whoop, and saw the blue and red flashing lights approaching us. And the campsite was mayhem. 

 

All of a sudden, Gandalf's pipe was thrown in someone's bag. A makeshift bong was stowed away in someone's car trunk. And a patrolman started to walk towards us, announcing very loudly, “All right, folks, this is a random ID check. Please get your IDs and stand in line.” Oh, my God, does passing a weed pipe count as drug trafficking? [audience laughter] Can you get a contact high by handling a cup of booze? I didn't know what to think, so I grabbed my driver's license and got in line. 

 

As I made my way towards the front of that line, I realized I was about to go through a real American rite of passage in the teen community. I was about to take the breathalyzer test, the most badass test I would ever take in my life. And I passed. [audience laughter] [audience applause]

 

Thank you. I even asked the officer, if I could keep that little plastic nozzle that I breathed into as a little souvenir, but also as evidence that at one point, I was a badass. [audience laughter] Anyway, the next day we got home pretty late. It was around 02:00 AM, when I was dropped off. I walked into our family's house and realized that I'd startled my father who had fallen asleep on his armchair. And now, I'm thinking, oh my God, could he smell the weed and booze from my friends who consumed it and not me from the night before? Did he see any of the boys in the van that had just dropped me off? 

 

My heart was racing. And then, I started to bust out with all these excuses, “Sorry papa, there was a lot of traffic. My girlfriends are really bad at directions. We got lost.” He slowly got up, and walked towards me, and patted me on the head and said, “Go to sleep, Usra. You're a good kid.” I did go to sleep that night feeling pretty proud of myself that I had at least one experience as a hijabi gone wild. Thank you. [audience laughter]