Tristan Jimerson - A Dish Best Served Cold 

 

 

When I first moved to Minneapolis, everything in my life went horribly wrong. I transferred to a small art school, and my girlfriend wrecked my car, said girlfriend became an ex-girlfriend, and the house I was living in was condemned. [audience chuckle] I was working for minimum wage in a comic book store during the day and going to my night classes at art school. It was not a high point in my life. But the only thing that kept me going was the thought of spring break. Just one week back home with my parents and friends and away from this life. And I'd been saving, I'd been saving for six months for this trip, because when you make minimum wage, saving for anything takes a really long time. [audience chuckle]

 

And so, I finished my last final at school, and I went home and celebrated my new bachelorhood by ordering a Domino's pizza, eating it off napkins, and playing video games all night. [audience chuckle] And two days later, I was packed, and I was ready to go home. All I had to do was drop my last paycheck off at the bank. And I went into the bank and I handed the teller my check, and I got the receipt, and I flipped it over, and on the back, my account balance was negative $536. [audience reaction] And I felt all the life just drain out of me because I just-- I couldn't catch a break. And so, I asked to see my balance statement. And there they were.

 

Two $600 Western Union money transfers, a bunch of random delivery orders, and a $400 charge to a website called inmatecanteen.com. [audience laughter] And so, I sat down with the banker, and she saw that the charges were false and went about trying to reverse them. And while she was doing that, I went and I sat in the lobby and I started thinking about how unfair identity theft is, because when somebody steals your identity, they only take the good parts. [laughter and applause] They don't take the rat trap apartment and the depression and the [beep sound] job. No. They just take the one thing that I'd been looking forward to for the past six months. 

 

And while I'm mulling this over, the banker comes back, and she tells me that the bank is going to give me all my money back, but it's going to take about a week of processing. [audience aww] And so, I go home, and I can't get it out of my head, because the bank wasn't going to do anything about this, and the police weren't going to do anything about this. And these people that rob you, they don't get caught. Nobody cares enough. But this identity theft was different because this person had messed with the most dangerous type of person that exists, which is someone with limited options and a lot of free time. [audience laughter]

 

And so, I decided to start my own investigation. [audience chuckle] And so, I took my bank records, and I started going through them. And I called Western Union, and they were no help. And I went to inmatecanteen.com [audience chuckle] and I called the support number, but it was disconnected. [audience chuckle] And so, all I had were these delivery charges. And I noticed something, which is that they were local. And then it hit me. The last charge that I had made on my own account was the last night of my finals, the night that I ordered that Domino's pizza. And I realized that when I read my credit card number over the phone, the woman at Domino's must have written it down and used it again. The woman at Domino's robbed me. [audience reaction] 

 

This was more upsetting because this was someone that could live six blocks from me, who spoke to me on the phone and heard my voice, someone who I trusted. I mean, I trusted Domino's. [audience laughter] Out of all the people or things in my life that could betray me, Domino's was not on the list. [audience chuckle] And lastly, because I spent years as a delivery driver, and this broke the code of ethics. So, this wasn't just a theft, this felt personal.

 

And so, I had a suspect. And the next day, I marched into that Domino's, and I demanded to know who was working the night my identity was stolen. And the manager on duty passed me to his manager, who passed me to his manager. And eventually they told me to come back later and they would have the names for me. So, I continued my investigation, and I went to a place called the Green Mill, which was a restaurant where some of the delivery-- the false delivery charges had taken place. The manager there was really helpful because there was nothing else to do. [audience chuckle] And he gave me a week's worth of delivery tickets. And I started digging through them, looking for a match. And after about 30 minutes, the phone rang, and he picked it up and started taking down an order.

 

And then he picks up a piece of paper and starts waving it back and forth. And I come over, and on the paper is a credit card number, and it's my credit card number. [audience reaction] And the person who stole my credit card is on the other end of that phone. And the manager is looking at me like, "Well, what do we do now?" [laughter and applause] And I look him straight in the eyes, and I say, "Give me a topper, a hat, and I will take that delivery." [cheers and applause] And he looks at me, and he says, "And that will get me fired." [audience laughter] And I say, "Okay, maybe that wasn't the best idea. Tell them that your driver is out sick and that it's pickup only." And so, he does, and he hangs up. And he looks at me and he says, "They'll be here in 15 minutes."

 

And so, I grab a newspaper and I sit down in a booth and I prop it up [audience laughter] and I sit down for my very first stakeout. And an agonizing 17 minutes later, a car pulls in, a woman gets out and comes inside and asks for her pickup order. And I start writing down every detail. The fact that it's a white lifted Chevy Tahoe, the license plate number, what she's wearing and what she looks like. And meanwhile, she's having a conversation with the manager, and he's saying that the card was declined and he needs to run it again, but she says she doesn't have it on her and it's in her car. And she leaves the restaurant and doesn't come back. And so, I asked the manager to do me one more favor. I asked him to *69 the number she called from. And I add that cell phone number to my growing list of evidence.

 

A couple hours later, I receive a call from a man who introduces himself as the head of Domino's security. [audience laughter] And he was calling to apologize, to thank me for my help in the investigation and to know that once I filed a police report that Domino's had my back. He had also pulled the hours I wanted and had them waiting at the original Domino's shop. So, I went back and I picked him up, and I started asking questions there. And I asked if anyone there drove a white lifted Chevy Tahoe. And the daytime driver said that a girl who worked the night shift did. A girl who matched the description of the person who came into the Green Mill, who was also working the night that my identity was stolen. 

 

Lastly, I took the cell phone number and gave it to the manager because I didn't want to call it myself and arouse suspicion. So, he called it, and she answered and confirmed her identity, condemning herself. Next, I asked to see her application, because those places always keep those things on file. And at first, the manager was wary of the legal things with that. But once I assured him that this was for the police report, [audience laughter] he relented. And so, after I've copied down this information, now I have her first, middle and last name, her date of birth, her Social Security number, her driver's license number. I know her car make and model and the license plate number. I know where and when she works and where she lives and her previous job references and her email address.

 

And so, I go home. And I'm in a frenzy and I can't stop. And so, I Google her email address and when you do that, you can pull up all of the accounts that you've created with that email address. And so, I found her eBay account and her Flickr account and her MySpace.  And her MySpace was set to public and I can see her pictures and her comments and her blogs and I realize that I am going crazy. [audience laughter] But the thing about going crazy is you can't stop. [audience chuckle] And so, I opened one of her blogs called 50 Things About Me. And the very first question is, "What is my favorite food?" And she wrote pizza. [audience laughter] 

 

And so, by the time I'm at the end of this list, I realize that I know more about this woman probably than most of her coworkers and friends, and that this is a real person that I would be sending to jail. But she broke the code. [audience reaction] And so, I call the cops and the next day they send out a police officer to take my report. And the fraud report starts out normal. It's just how much money was stolen and when was it stolen and is the bank reimbursing you? And then the last question, almost as an afterthought, was, "Do you have any additional information which might benefit the case?" [laughter and applause] And I said, "Why yes I do." [audience chuckle] And I start listing things and the confusion on the officer's face turns to laughter once she hears the full story. And she says that, "Well, you've done my job for me." [audience chuckle] And I agree. [audience laughter]

 

Later on that day, I receive a call from the detective now working this case. He says that with all my information, he cross checked it with DOT records and the criminal database and that it all checks out and that by the end of the day there will be a warrant out for this woman's arrest. I tell him that she's going to work tomorrow at Domino's at 5:00. [laughter and applause] And after a pause, he says that he'll have a squad car waiting for her. [audience laughter]

 

And so, lastly, I asked the detective if I can be there [audience laughter] because I'd done a lot of work on this and I kind of wanted to see the look on her face, that same look of shock and horror that I had when I was sitting in that bank and I flipped that receipt over and saw everything I'd saved gone. But he said that was impossible. He did say that if I happened to be walking across the street [audience laughter] at around 5 o’ clock, that no one would probably be the wiser. So, I got to go undercover one last time. And I found myself standing across the street from that Domino's at 5 o’ clock, squad car parked in back and two officers inside. And I saw that white lifted Chevy Tahoe come around the corner and park and her get out and go through the front door. And I could see her back arch up. She froze and saw the officers because she knew she was caught. And then they handcuffed her, put her in the back of the squad car, and they drove away. Case closed.

 

But then a couple hours later, I received one of the most surreal phone calls I've ever gotten my entire life. The man on the other end of the line introduced himself as the CEO of Domino's. He was calling to personally apologize, thank me for my help in the investigation, and, I assume, avoid a giant lawsuit. [audience laughter] And so, he asked me how much money was stolen and told me that Domino's would reimburse me for everything. And I told him that the bank was already doing that and that it wasn't about the money. And so, he asked me what I wanted. [audience chuckle] And up until this point, I hadn't really thought about it. But what do you say? I mean, free pizza for life? A pizza named after me? [audience laughter] No, I'd lost my taste for pizza at this point. No. 

 

I told him I didn't want this to happen to anyone else. I told him that I wanted him to pursue this to the furthest extent of the law and that every new Domino's employee that gets hired would hear this story. That if you [beep sound] with credit card information of customers, that you will go to jail. [audience chuckle] And he said he could do that. [audience laughter] And later, I received two letters in the mail. The first was a letter that said the woman had pleaded guilty to all charges and would be serving a short prison sentence. The second, a personal thank you letter from the CEO of Domino's, a check for the exact amount of money stolen, and 500 Domino's bucks. [audience laughter] And I realized that I actually did get everything back that was stolen. The money, yes. But for that week, I wasn't the pathetic, depressed art student. No, for that week, I was Tristan Jimerson, private eye, [audience laughter] the gumshoe that knows that revenge, like delivery pizza, is best served cold. Thank you.