Host: Jon Goode
Jon: [00:00:06] Welcome to The Moth podcast. I'm your host for this week, Jon Goode.
Welcome to 2021, everyone. Starting from the bottom, now we're here. It goes without saying, it's a relief, 2020 is in the rearview. But after the whirlwind that it was this past year, starting a new one still kind of feels like staring into the unknown. So, for this New Year's Day episode, our two stories are about navigating uncharted territory. For our first storyteller, facing the unknown doesn't mean going where no one has ever gone before. It means having the courage to go back to places that aren't easy to visit. Alix Born told this story at a StorySLAM in Seattle, where the theme of the night was Flawed. Here's Alix, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Alix: [00:01:02] It's 3:00 AM, and I've been lying in my bed awake for hours because there's a man in my bed and he's not supposed to be there. Well, he was supposed to be there when the sex was happening, [audience laughter] but now the sex is not happening, and he's asleep and I'm awake. [audience laughter] He knows the rule. No sleepovers. I told him he can't stay over because I'm a bad co-sleeper. And now I'm lying awake going through all my memories of times where I couldn't sleep because there was someone in my bed.
It started when I was a little girl. I would go to bed at night cradling my doll, holding her really close and closing my eyes and thinking, "I want to look adorable like the little girls in the TV commercials." But then I would start to feel smothered.
[chuckles] So I would put her right beside me on the pillow with her head right there. And I would close my eyes and think, "That's still cute, right?" [audience laughter] But she was touching me. So, I would put her beside me on the bed, and then I would shove her off the bed and she would hit the floor with a thud and I would fall instantly asleep. [audience laughter] So now I'm lying beside this guy, wide awake, going through these memories.
I told him I was a bad co-sleeper, and that is the truth. But it's not the whole truth.
The whole truth is, I've only been out of my marriage for a year, and I don't want a man to wake up in my bed tomorrow morning because I don't trust myself with a man.
I don't trust myself to not make all the mistakes I made with the last one. Because the last time a man slept overnight in my bed, it was my husband and I lay awake that night thinking about our marriage. And I caught myself calculating how long he might live, how old I would be at the time, and whether I would still be young enough to enjoy sex, [audience laughter] because he hadn't touched me in a long time. It started out well, like so many things. But over time, I became both the mommy and the daddy in the relationship. I was earning the money because he was finding himself, and I was doing most of the cooking and cleaning because apparently no one can find themselves when they're doing the dishes. [audience laughter] This was not a sexy arrangement. First it made me cranky. Then it made me crazy. And then it turned me into a person who stares into the darkness, looking on the bright side of another person's death. [audience laughter]
Thankfully, by the time the sun came up in the morning, I remembered that we have divorce so that we don't kill each other. I packed my bags and I left. I left knowing two things. One, in my next relationship, I wanted to have sex. Lots of good, lasting sex. And two, I didn't want to cook or clean for a man again. Maybe never. But now here I am with this guy in my bed, and I don't want him to wake up with me in the morning because people in the morning, they want things, they need. Things like coffee and food. And I fell down the slippery slope of domesticity once before. And I know how this works. It starts out all innocent. You're pouring them a hot cup of coffee and before you know it, you're pounding their dirty socks on a rock by the river. [audience laughter]
You're making them a slice of toast one day, and the next day you're planning Christmas dinner for their entire family. [audience laughter] I knew I needed a zero-tolerance policy to get through this. But now the sun is coming up and the only thing I can think of to do is run. So, I slide off the bed and I quietly start putting on my jogging clothes. He wakes up. His eyes open. He is surprised to find himself here because he knows the rule. He says, "Oh my God, I must have fallen asleep. I'm sorry. Are you actually going for a run right now?"
I turn to him and I say, "Yes." And then right on cue, he says it. "Do you have any coffee?" [audience laughter] I stare at him, he stares back. I turn without saying a word. I walk to the kitchen. He follows me in there a moment later, and he finds me standing stock still, staring at the closed kitchen cupboard door with the intensity of a woman preparing to defuse a bomb. [audience laughter] He says, "What is happening right now?" I turn to him and I say, "There's something you need to know about me." He says finally, "Are you a werewolf? A vampire? Is that why I'm not allowed to sleep over?" And I say, "No, you need to know that the more I do things for you, like make coffee or cook you things, the less sex we are going to have." He stands there staring at me, and I can tell he's trying to find a place in his brain to file this thing that no woman has ever said before. [audience laughter] And then he smiles and he says, "What about pointing? Can you point at things like coffee and toast, and can we still have sex?" "Yes," I say. [audience laughter] "Sit down and start pointing." He says, "Thank you."
[cheers and applause]
Jon: [00:06:59] That was Alix Born. And she says that she and Mark, the man from her story, enjoyed many years of breakfasts together. Alix lives in Vancouver, Canada, but in 2019, she crossed the border into the States, drove three hours, and slept in her van in a church parking lot just for the chance to be on The Moth StorySLAM stage in Seattle, Washington. Which is incredible, because I can't get anyone to just cross the room and bring me a glass of water. And the story you just heard is the one she told that night. To see a photo of Alix and her van from the trip, head to our website, themoth.org/extras. Up next, Carlton Parks. Carlton told this story at a StorySLAM in my hometown of Atlanta, where the theme of the night was Gratitude.
Moderator: [00:07:51] And keep that energy going for Carlton Parks.
[cheers, hollering and applause]
Carlton Parks from the city. There he is, Mr. Carlton Parks. Making his way on now, coming on around, descending the stairs. Keep on, glad he's always here.
[audience crosstalk and laughing]
Carlton: [00:08:22] How y'all doing? About five years ago, I had a very awkward conversation in a hospital waiting room with my sisters that started with, "If dad doesn't pull through, what are we going to do with mom?" My mother went directly from her parents' house at the age of 18 into the arms of my father, who she married at 19, fresh out of the Navy, and stayed with him. And they were married for 53 years until he died in November of '18. So, as we sat there, my sisters looked at me like, "You're mid-40s, you ain't got no wife, you ain't going to do nothing with your life. You got to go live with Mom." [audience laughter] [chuckles] Kind of half joking, but they meant that shit. [audience laughter]
So my lease was up at the place where I was, and dad unfortunately he did pass. And I packed up my stuff and I went and lived in the house with mom. Luckily, the house with pretty nice size house, five bedrooms, so we only bump into each other when we absolutely have to. [audience laughter] Her bedroom's on the east wing, I'm on the west wing. And when it's dinner time, we meet up in the middle. [audience laughter] It was tough. The last promise I made to my dad as I sat next to him--as he lay there and I was sitting next to his hospital bed and I was like, "You know, dude, I don't want you to leave, but if you got to go, I'll take care of ma, so don't sweat it." And the next day, it's like he heard me. We pulled him off the machine that next day.
So, we fast forward to the next five years of my life and living with mom. And mom's absolutely fine. She drives, she's in good shape, she's in perfect health. She doesn't understand Wi-Fi. [audience laughter] Copy, paste is --God, copy-paste-- you would think it's quantum physics. [audience laughter] You really would. I'm like, "Mom, just control X, control V, would you please?" And it's just little things like that that make me glad that I'm there. But more than one day, I'm guessing it was about a year ago. And when you have somebody in your house, and you have a mother who has been married to the same man, or if you know love like love is supposed to be love, this woman was married to my father.
They met in the seventh grade, and they dated through high school, and they dated through the one year of college that my mom went to, and then they got married. And then the next 53 years. And then she had to watch that man go away. It was tough on her. And it’s tough really to see that level of loss.
One day, as I just go and check on her side of the house, just kind of checking in as I came home from work and she's not right. And I was like, "Ma, you okay?" "Yeah," completely lying to me. And she kind of pushes past me going to the kitchen and I was like, "Ma, what's wrong?" And she just completely loses it. When you have that deep level of love for a person, and that togetherness, and it's seemingly ripped away from you. And you just don't know how to deal with that hole in your heart. I was completely and utterly grateful that I was there for her. You know, it's tough sometimes for me as a mid-40-year-old, not married, not doing anything with your life, like my sisters said [audience laughter] to kind of cohabitate with your mom. But to be there with her as she was going through her tough time, to be there with her as she was hurting and longing for that guy, that guy she fell in love with in the seventh grade. It made so much sense to me for me to be there for her when she was hurting so badly, and she was standing in the hallway, draped over me, just bawling her eyes out like I've never seen before. It was meant for me to be there.
And as I embraced her, I just remembered that promise I made to my father, that no matter what, "I don't want you to leave me, dude. But if you got to go, I'm going to be there for mom." I'm incredibly grateful that day I was there for her. Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
Jon: [00:13:19] That was Carlton Parks. Carlton spends his days working in finance and his evenings laying out general randomness in his blog, The Mind of the Last Atlanta Native. Carlton fell in love with stories as a child listening to family tales on his grandparents’ front porch. When he's not working on his next great literary work, Carlton can be found weeping over Atlanta sports as everyone in Atlanta does. And playing the only two songs he bothered to learn on guitar, Blackbird and Seasons.
Carlton says he and his mother are spending more time together than ever because of the pandemic. He says, "Usually we give each other ample space to do what we love in our respective areas of the house. She can watch cowboy movies and Home Improvement shows as loud as she likes, and I can listen to music as loud as I like. Until it's time for our inevitable hour-long debate on what's for dinner.”
To see some photos of Carlton and his family, head to themoth.org/extras. That is all for this week. From all of us here at The Moth, have a story-worthy week and we're wishing you and yours a Happy New Year.
Female Speaker: [00:14:34] Jon Goode is an Emmy-nominated writer raised in Richmond, Virginia and currently residing in Atlanta, Georgia. Jon is the regular host of The Moth's Atlanta StorySLAM and has a number one best-selling collection of poems and short stories entitled Conduit that you can find on Amazon.com.
Jon: [00:14:54] Podcast production by Julia Purcell, with help from my sister, Tiffany Goode. The Moth podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.