Host: Meg Bowles
[Uncanny Valley theme music by The Drift]
Meg: [00:00:12] From PRX, this is The Moth Radio Hour. I'm Meg Bowles from The Moth's artistic team, and I'll be your host this time.
The Moth hosts live events around the country where we invite people to take the stage and share stories from their own true-life experiences. In this hour, we have four stories. We'll hear what finally broke the famous curse that haunted the Boston Red Sox for 86 years, and from a woman who tells us what it was like growing up in a house full of hoarders. We'll hear a story from a man who wonders if his desire for speed is as important as he imagines.
And our first story from Jessi Klein. Jessi told this story at the Symphony Space in New York City. Here's Jessi Klein, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Jessi: [00:00:52] On the morning of my 28th birthday, I woke up at the happiest place on Earth, aka the Enchanted Kingdom, aka Disney World, aka what the hell am I doing here? Actually, I was there for the wedding of my little sister, who in a sort of like Sixteen Candles twists, had decided that she was going to get married on the day before my birthday at Disney World. [audience laughter]
And just to be clear, it wasn't like she and her fiancé\ were like “getting married at Disney World” like ironically, like, "Ha-ha, so funny." [audience chuckles] Like, it wasn't like drinking PBR wearing like Von Dutch trucker cap irony funny. It was more like she and her fiancé were both like super into Disney World and mega psyched to get married there. [audience chuckles] That's their thing.
Now, the thing is my family is Jewish, obviously. [audience laughter] My sister's fiancé’s family, they're conservative Jews. So, when we found out they wanted to get married at Disney World, we were collectively very surprised and collectively super not stoked. [audience chuckles] My dad nominated me to have the talk with her about maybe not doing this. But she was very stubborn about it. That's what they wanted to do. She was insistent on going forward with this plan, which meant that I was going to spend my birthday sliding into my 30s as a single girl celebrating the wedding of my little sister at Disney World. Yay.
So, just to give you a little bit of background, I am the middle sibling of three little sisters, older brother. At this point in the story, both of my siblings have found their partners on the worldwide interweb. I am the only single one of the groups. Still am. That's not really the point right now. Just putting it out there [audience laughter] if anyone really gives a [beep] or whatever. [audience laughter] While I'm very happy for them, I'm also very disturbed for myself, because the thing is, when we were kids we were all so super nerdy. Hard to imagine, I'm sure. [audience laughter] We were super, we were shocking awe nerds. But comparatively, I was like the least nerdy.
So, I always imagined that if any of us were going to find someone, it would be me. My mantra when I was with him was always like, “Good luck, nerds. Hope you find someone. [audience laughter] And now, they've both married-- My brother had married and she is marrying very nice people, and I am the one who's home alone eating macadamia nut, lonely heart chunk ice cream [audience chuckles] and listening to the Ally McBeal soundtrack, [audience chuckles] which that's sad and true.
Anyway, so, a couple of weeks before the wedding, my sister informs me that she and her fiancé have decided to spend a little extra to have the characters attend the reception. [audience laughter] So, my plan is to leave Friday morning for the rehearsal dinner, which is Friday night. And because I leave everything to the last minute, I don't pick up my bridesmaid dress till Thursday morning. It's like a floor length lavender embroidered sateen thing. It's just beautiful. [audience laughter]
Anyway, so, I have it. And then, around 04:30 that afternoon as I'm wrapping up a long day of personal emailing and googling myself, [audience laughter] all of a sudden the lights pop out and my computer goes off and the Northeast is plunged into the worst blackout in the history of the United States. I don't know if anyone remembers that fun time. So, with the subways not working, I join-- Just remember the throngs of humanity trudging through the August heat. From Midtown, I have to walk home to Brooklyn just with thousands of other New Yorkers. But I notice that I'm the only one carrying a 30-pound bridesmaid dress over my shoulder.
I realized somewhere around Varick Street that I have become a Kathy cartoon. [audience laughter] Like, just that horrible woman from the comics who like, “Hates horizontal stripes and doesn't want to shop for a bathing suit.” And it's like “Arg! sweat beads.” And I was like “Ugh.” [audience laughter] So, with all the power out, I really almost did not make it to the wedding. And in fact, I did not make it to the rehearsal dinner. I went to the terminal at JFK the next day to the Delta terminal, and I discover that all the power is out there. And miraculously, in a post 9/11 world, they also have no plan for dealing with no power, like at all.
And in fact, some guy gets on a megaphone [audience laughter] and tells all of the people that it's a crapshoot as to whether any planes are going to take off. [audience laughter] Crapshoot isn't a word you want to hear anywhere near air travel. [audience laughter] It's like, “Maybe, maybe not.” [audience laughter] And so, actually, I didn't make it. You know, no planes take off that day. I get home desperately trying to find any plane to get me to Disney World the next day. There is one ticket left on any carrier. It's on Continental, one way, New York to Orlando. It's $800, which is what I spent going to Japan round trip a few months [chuckles] before. But I have to buy it, it's my sister's wedding.
The next morning, I go to the flight. I'm so stressed and nervous before the flight that as soon as I sit down, I take an Ambien. I forget that you should not take a whole Ambien before a two-hour flight. [audience laughter] So, oops. So, when I land, I am wildly hallucinating. [audience laughter] Wildly seeing double. Greeted by a wedding planner who's like, "Go directly to hair." And I'm like, "I'm going." And then, you're just melting. Everything's melting. [audience chuckles]
The Ambien just starts to wear off sometime around the beginning of the reception, at which point I'm so exhausted, I just decide the only logical thing to do is get really drunk and wait for the characters to arrive [audience laughter] The amazing thing about the way they do the character entries at a Disney wedding, is that they go B list and then C list and then A list. So, first, Donald and Daisy come in. And then, Chip 'n Dale, the Chipmunks. And then, just when you're like, “Going crazy, you can't wait another second, you're going to burst. Mickey and Minnie are here. Mickey and Minnie are here.” [audience chuckles] They're like, “Yay.” It's like staggered. [audience laughter]
So, Mickey and Minnie come in and they start us doing the Hora, because it is a Jewish wedding [audience laughter] for real. And the character whose hand I end up holding is Dale's. [audience laughter] Pretty quickly, I find myself in a flirtation that I can best describe as smoldering. [audience laughter] Because at first, we're dancing and then we're like, slow dancing. My torso is pressed against his furry little underbelly. [audience laughter] I think part of the reason it so sensuous, two things. One, they're not allowed to speak, so they just silence. [audience chuckles] You can't talk at all. Nothing. And then, other thing is you can't see into their eyes. All you see are just these blood black dots of vast, endless hatred. So sexy. [audience laughter] So, a few hours later, I am so wasted, but totally happy. Me and Dale are entwined. We are the envy of all the other interspecies couples in the room. [audience laughter]
And Lady in Red is playing, and I have my head on Dale's shoulder. I realize there's never going to be a more perfect moment to make my move. So, I squeeze his paw. [audience chuckles] And then I step back and I'm like-- I try to be sexy. As sexy as you can be after three vodka tonics, two Disney Chardonnays, and a 10 mg Ambien. And I'm like, "Look, I'm having a really great time with you, and I don't want it to end. I am staying at the Contemporary Resort [audience laughter] in room 239. I don't know if you want to come back to my room, but you're totally invited." And Dale just stops and takes a step back and then he just goes [mimicking sound] [audience laughter]
[cheers and applause]
That was the moment when I realized, “Oh my God, if he consummates this, he will probably be fired. Potentially, also killed.” We're in a kingdom. Like, who knows what laws apply? [audience laughter] And then, it wasn't till a few days later that I real-- Literally maybe a week. I was like, “Person in the costume. Not necessarily a man. Actually, probably not.” [audience laughter] Anyway, it was a night. The next morning, I wake up. It is my birthday. I am on a twin-size bed alone on Eeyore sheets. [audience laughter] Even though my flight is not till 10, I leave there at 06:00 AM, because the room is so unbearably disgusting. I cannot be in there another second. It's so ugly.
So, I get to the terminal, I watch the sunrise, I wait for the woman to come and start letting people into the gate. I never, ever play the birthday card. I hate that. But because it's been such a crazy weekend, when the woman arrives, I go up to her and I'm like, "Look, I had this crazy time getting here. Blackout. Is there any way you could upgrade me to first class?" She's really nice and she's like, "You know, there's no first class on this plane. But I promise we'll take care of you." “Great. Fine.” I figure maybe an extra blanket. That sounds perfect.
So, people start to arrive at the gate. It's a couple hundred people, whatever. And then, we find out we're going to be delayed again. Someone's cranky. And the woman gets on the loudspeaker finally, and she's like, "Okay, I want to thank y'all for choosing Delta Song today. We're probably going to board you in about 20 minutes. But before I do, just want to let y'all know we have a birthday girl here today. [audience laughter] Her name's Jessi. I think we just all sing Happy Birthday'. [audience laughter] and I'm just like, “You [beep] You [beep].” You know, just tidal wave of hatred for her. [audience laughter] But it's interrupted, because everyone, despite the fact that it's super early and we're delayed and everyone's really upset, everyone starts to sing Happy Birthday to me. [audience chuckles] And that, like, really sweet.
It just changed everything. I was like, “This has actually all been leading to this moment.” [audience laughter] I feel like people-- I have this optimism now. Like, people are really nice. People are basically good. We're all just on this crazy blue marble together. [audience chuckles] One love. Just lovely, you know? And then, we get on the plane, and I get a plastic glass or Shampers. So nice. I just sit in my seat, and I'm like, I'm making-- Everything's fine. Like, I feel I've done it. I made it through this weekend. It's my birthday. It's going to be fine. I'm really relaxed.
And then about, I don't know, half an hour into the flight, just feeling good with the Shampers, and [chuckles] all of a sudden, the woman gets on the thing, and she's like, "We're going to be short flight today. Going to be cruising back into New York in about 45 minutes. And thank you all for choosing Delta song today. I do want to just let y'all know, we have a birthday girl here on the plane today, so why don't we all sing her a Happy Birthday? And I'm like, “No.” Because it's so obvious. Everyone's looking at me. Everyone's like, "What?" You know what I mean? Because it's so clear, the woman at the gate did not communicate with the woman on the plane. [audience chuckles]
Now, it seems like I'm a jackass. [audience laughter] Like, I'm the kind of person who tells everyone I meet it's my birthday. [audience laughter] Like, I'm five years old, like, some [beep] And I'm so embarrassed. And then, this guy, like, eight seats behind me says, super loud. He goes, "We already [beep] sang it." [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]
] I was like, “Oh, right. People are basically bad. People are basically bad,” [audience laughter] and just slouched down in my seat, waited to get back to New York where the lights were finally back on. Thank you, guys, so much.
[cheers and applause]
Meg: [00:14:08] That was Jessi Klein. Jessi is a comedy writer and stand-up comic. If you want to hear more from Jessi, you can check out her Comedy Central stand-up special on iTunes.
In a moment, we'll have a story of how two friends set out to change the fate of their much beloved and long cursed Boston Red Sox.
[When You Wish Upon A Star from Cliff Edwards + Disney Studio Chorus]
Jay: [00:14:34] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org.
Meg: [00:14:46] This is The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Meg Bowles.
Our next story is from Joe Limone. Joe told his story at the Calderwood Pavilion in Boston, for an evening of stories, we called Out on a Limb.
[applause]
Joe: [00:15:03] "Psst. Hey, kid." I'm scanning my exam, perfectly content in the knowledge that I think I've answered every question right, but not sure. I'm wanting to make absolutely, positively sure it's correct. I look up and I think, “Nah, I imagined it.” So, I'm about ready to get up and hand my test in, thinking I did very well on my Latin examination. And all of a sudden, I hear, "Psst. Hey, kid." again. And now, I'm focused on it and I knew it came from behind me, so I quickly look up, see if Father Vai has seen any of this going on and making sure that the coast is clear. When I'm sure that he hasn't noticed anything, I look back and there's this kid behind me with this inquisitive look. And in the quietest of voices, he says, "Hey, kid, what's the answer to number six?"
Now, a little bit of background information here. At this point in my life, I'm a sophomore in high school and I'm a complete introvert. I always do what I'm told, I never get in trouble. Most of the time people don't even know I exist. And that's just the way I like it. Now, I don't know if this was a sign of things to come or if it was who I truly am. But for some unknown reason, maybe it was the look on his face of desperation, I actually take my entire Latin exam and hand it to him. You should have seen the look on his face. So, he looks at me and he's like, "All right." He writes all the answers down and I'm just sitting there with no test in front of me for one, maybe two minutes, which is an eternity when you're an introvert in a Jesuit high school with a mad priest looking at you. So, he hands it back to me, didn't get caught, hand the exam in. He walks in--
He hands his in, and we're walking out of class, and he comes running up, and he's like, "Hey, kid, what's your name?" "My name's Joe." "Hey, my name's Lou. That took balls to do what you did. But I want you to know something. I'm a good student. I study all the time. I was down vacationing with my parents in Florida, and our plane got delayed. But I really do study, and I didn't get a chance to. Have you had lunch yet?” Lou and I have been the best of friends for the last 25 years.
Now, being born in Boston, and as a male in Boston, you're indoctrinated into the sports culture. Everything, Celtics, Bruins. Red Sox. Yes. [audience laughter] Okay, so I'm a huge Red Sox fan. I think the reason why I'm a huge Red Sox fan is I have very fond memories of my dad and me going to games. And my dad is old world Sicilian. He's arm's length, and three boys in the family. He's never told anyone of us that he loves us.
But at games, I always felt his love because we would interact. We would talk about plays, we would talk about players, we would talk about Fenway Park. He would pay 25 cents for bleacher seats back when he was a young boy. He would get all pissed off that this new guy, Carl Yastrzemski, was trying to take over for Ted Williams. That would really piss him off. So, as a Red Sox fan and a lifetime Red Sox fan, there's a lot of pain associated with that.
All right, so, let's go to 2001. My friend Lou has landed an incredible job as chief marketing guru for the New England Patriots. Now, the New England Patriots, at the time, are also another tragic bad luck team. Bad ownership, bad teams, bad stadium, the whole nine yards. Just awful. He's working for them in that role. They're building a new stadium in 2001, and they're trying to turn the whole franchise around with new ownership and whatnot. So, I go and visit him. He says, "Hey, do you want to take a tour of the new stadium?" And I'm like, "Sure." So, we put on the hard hats, we jump in the golf cart, and we drive out to the stadium. They built a new stadium right next to the old one. So, we were right there.
We're going around, and he's pointing to what's going where, and all these funky new age things that are going on. All of a sudden, we hear this big crash and banging. We look up and this whole bunch of staging is falling on top of us. I dive out of the way, he's not so lucky. I jump up. He's on the ground. There's blood everywhere. Well, a big 2x4, these huge six-inch nails came down and it went right through his hand and into his neck. So, I'm screaming, construction workers are everywhere. The ambulance comes. They take him to the hospital. I follow the ambulance to the hospital. The emergency room doctors take the nail out. They say, “He's very lucky. He could have bled to death an inch or two either way.” He asked the emergency room doctors for the nail.
And so, a few weeks later, after he's recovered, we're out with a bunch of friends and we're joking around and I'm like, "Why'd you ask for the nail?" And he's like, "I just wanted to remember how lucky I was." So, we named him Lucky Louie. And so, we're hanging out and we're just drinking and we go out all the time. And he's like, "What should I do with the nail?" We're trying to come up with some ideas. So, I'm like, "How about if you try and give some of that good luck that you have to the New England Patriots? Why don't you go hide the nail in the stadium?" And he's like, "That's stupid enough that it might work. That sounds like fun. I'll go do it."
So, he has access to the stadium. He goes and he hides the nail in the stadium. And in 2001, the Patriots, the first four games go 1 and 3. He's like, "Yeah, the stupid nail." And then, all of a sudden, the Patriots go on an unbelievable run and they win the Super Bowl. So, we're like, "Hey, the nail." We're joking around like two jerks.
And so, now 2002 rolls around and they're in the new-- It's the first time in the new stadium, and they're going to demolish the old stadium. So, he goes and takes the nail out of the old stadium and they demolish it. He leaves the nail on his desk for the 2002 season. The Patriots don't even make the playoffs.
So, 2003 rolls around. He's like, "You know what? I'm going to put the nail in the new stadium, see what happens." [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Yeah, I think that's a great idea." So, 2003, the Patriots go 2 and 2 the first four games. Then they go on this unbelievable historic run, and they win the Super Bowl. So, we're like, "The nail. Holy crap. Are you kidding me?" [audience chuckles] And so, he's like, "I'm leaving the nail until they lose. This is unbelievable."
And so, I give him this look because my brain is now working, right? And he knows. He looks at me, he goes, "What?" It's that I have an idea look, and I'm like, "Obviously, the nail is magic.” [audience laughter] I said, “What if we put the nail in Fenway Park?" [audience laughter] Aghast, he's like, "It's too much to ask of the nail. [audience laughter] It's the curse. We're talking the curse, Joe." And I'm like, "I know, but we have an obligation as Bostonians, Red Sox fans, and as human beings to hide that nail in Fenway Park." [audience laughter] And he's like, "All right, all right, let's do it."
Now, the trick is, how do we do it? So, he goes and gets the nail from the stadium. We're lucky, because he's the chief marketing guy at the Patriots, so he has all the friends in the other sports. So, he calls someone in the marketing group at the Red Sox, and he's like, "Listen, hey, I got a client who wants to buy these massive amounts of tickets, and we can work a deal. He's interested in Fenway, but he wants to see the park. Can we arrange a tour?" "Yeah, sure. No problem, Lou."
So, we walk in. I'm like, "Oh God.” I'm scared to death. A couple of marketing people come, they take us on a little tour, and they're like, "Listen, we got a big meeting, but we'll be right back, and we'll have lunch. We'll do the whole nine yards. You can go anywhere you want in Fenway Park. What you can't go near is the Green Monster." Everybody familiar with the Green Monster? The big-- Okay. Yeah.
So, of course, they leave, and Lou and I look at each other and where's the safest place for the nail? The Green Monster, right? So, we're walking around left field. La da da, da da, and I'm like, "Okay, give me the nail. I'll run in the door. I'll hide it real quick and come back out, and you watch." And before I know it, he goes, "No, I'll do it." And I'm like, "Lou, don't. You got a great job. I'm the idiot friend. You could just see he was an idiot. I can't believe he did what he did." So, he runs in before I could stop, and I'm like, again, one, two minutes go by. It's eternity.
There's maintenance people walking around. "Hey, what are you doing around here?" Lou comes out. They don't see him. "Hey you got to leave left field here." And we leave. He's sweating out of breath, "Okay, I hid the nail behind some pipes. It's safe." So, now it's 2004. The Red Sox, you barely make the playoffs, they're a wild card. They play in the Yankees first round. We're like, "Yeah, the nail, the nail, the nail." They go down 0-3. And he's like, "I told you it was too much to ask of the nail.” [audience laughter] And I'm like, "Oh, man, it's not a magic nail." [audience chuckles] And then, the Yankees collapsed. The worst sports franchise history flop. Unbelievable.
So, we're watching game seven, and they're about to win game seven of the Yankees, and they win it. We're with a whole bunch of friends. Me and Lou, the two jerks are doing, we're jumping up and down, "It's the nail, the nail." And our friends are like, "What? What are you talking about?" "Nothing. Nothing." I'm like, "Oh my God." Now, my dad's 82 years old. I've seen him cry twice in his life. Once when our dog died, [audience laughter] and the second when the Red Sox won the World Series.
Lou and I are drunk up at the parade. It's raining, and it's kind of cold, and we're feeling good, and we're happy. I look at him, and I'm like, "I can't believe you did what you did. You could have lost your job." He turned to me, and he gave me this knowing look, and he's like, "Are you kidding me? The first time I ever met you, what you did, you could have gotten expelled from school. That's what best friends do for each other. And I love you like a brother." "Well, Lou, I love you, too.” Thanks.
[cheers and applause]
Meg: [00:26:07] That was Joe Limone. After the Boston Red Sox won the World Series in 2004, after the nail successfully wiped out the curse, you have to wonder what happened to the nail. Is it still behind the Green Monster?
Joe: [00:26:21] It's not behind the Green Monster. We took it out in 2004 after the Red Sox won the World Series. We put it back in Gillette Stadium in 2005, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2005. We put it back in Fenway Park. The Red Sox won the World Series in 2007. So, we took it out of Fenway Park after 2007, put it in the Boston Garden and in 2008, the Celtics won the NBA championship.
Meg: [00:26:55] So, where is it now?
Joe: [00:26:57] Well, I can't tell you where it is now, but it's in a place that those fans need it really, really badly.
[Don’t Stop Believin’ from Journey]
Meg: [00:27:10] To hear more of my interview with Joe Limone, go to themoth.org. There, you can also find pictures of Joe, Lou, and the Green Monster, and the all-powerful nail.
Our next story comes from Alison Minami. Alison told this story at a StorySLAM we hosted at Busby's East in Los Angeles. The theme of the evening was Clean. Here's Alison Minami.
[cheers and applause]
Alison: [00:27:37] I grew up in a really nice suburban town. My family, we were like the black sheep of the neighborhood, because the grass was really up to here, always taller than I was. The car in the driveway didn't work, but it sat there for many years. And that was just sort of a preview of what was inside, because inside was a total physical chaos, because my parents were pack rats and they were hoarders. I don't think my mom would make the cut for the show hoarders, but she would be a top contender in their applicant pool. And just some examples, like in her living room, there's a giant shelf that is really designed to go up against a wall, but it just sits in the middle of the room, and she picked it up off the street. There's the old TV that you have to change the channel manually. It doesn't work, but it's still there. And in front of it is the new TV, which is probably from 1990.
My mom's the kind of person who will go to the bank and get 10 free calendars, because she can give away nine of them as gifts, even though it says Citibank on them. The really sad thing is they just sit there. They just sit on the table. Every surface is covered with stuff, it's just like unopened mail, the kitchen table, the coffee table, the dining room table.
I think it started with my dad, because when I was in middle school, my dad, he started his own business. He turned our house into his home office. He didn't have an organizational system, but he would just write notes on these tiny little pieces of memo paper and he would bring in all his files and his mail, and he would put them in piles all over the house. I wasn't allowed to invite friends over, because there was a self-consciousness about it. It was just mess everywhere. You couldn't even eat at the kitchen table.
I used to try to manage the chaos. I would clean every day. I would clean little corners of the house, but it would always come back and accumulate. And then, I remember thinking, “God, I just can't wait to get the [beep] out of here. I can't wait to get out of this place.” [audience laughter] And I did. I got out of there. I went to college and I went far, far away.
Now, my sophomore year in college, my mother calls me up, and she says, "Hi, Alison, do you want a car?" And I say, "What?" And she says, "Your father wants to buy me a car, but I don't need it because I'm moving to Hawaii." [audience laughter] And I say, "Well, mom, why don't you tell him you don't need the car, so that he doesn't spend the money for the car." But you have to understand that my mother is an Asian immigrant. My parents are both Asian. They don't really talk about relationships. They just exist in them. [audience laughter]
And so, my mom was not willing to tell my father that she was leaving him. [audience chuckles] He bought the car. And then, the way that she told him was like a week before she left, she said, "I'm moving to Hawaii. I don't know when I'm coming back. Can you give me a ride to the airport?" [audience laughter] And he did. He gave her a ride to the airport, miraculously. And my mom went. And bless her heart, because she had a very liberating experience. But the one thing she asked me to do for her before she left was to clean her room. And by her room was really my parents’ bedroom, because it was total chaos. It was just like stuff everywhere, clothes, books, just junk.
And so, I honored that request. I came home on college break, and I just cleaned. I spent the whole week cleaning. I didn't talk to my friends. I didn't hang out with my high school friends. The cool thing is when your parents are hoarders, you find some really cool [beep] [audience laughter] I found a really nice vintage dress, circa 1975, that fit me. I found all these cool letters and photographs that really show that maybe your parents had a life and maybe they actually liked each other. My mom's diary, fortunately for her, it was in Japanese, so I couldn't quite crack that code. [audience chuckles] But I would have.
The craziest thing that I found was something underneath the bed. It was so crazy. I didn't know what to do with it. I had to call my mom up and I said, "Mom I just found underneath your bed in a tin can, $8,000 of cash." [audience laughter] And my mom goes, "Oh yeah, that's mine." [audience laughter] She instructs me to go to the bank and deposit the cash into her bank account. And because I had alliances with my mother, I didn't tell my dad about the money because I knew if I did, he would say that it was his. I just listened to her and I took $8,000 of cash in my bag on my back, outside on the street. I'd never done that before. [audience chuckles] I deposited the money for her. I was too stupid to take a cut for myself, [audience chuckles] which I really should have and I would today if it happened again. [audience laughter]
And so, the room was awesome. It was like I put a bed skirt on the bed, and I had the fluffed-up pillows, and it was like a class A motel room. There was like 10 feet of space from the wall to the end of the bed. It was unprecedented, gorgeous bedroom. The first thing my dad did when he came home and he saw all that clean open space, is that he started to take out all the little pieces of paper from his pockets, and he went to the kitchen, and he got his files. He used to keep files in, like, ramen boxes, and he just put them in tiny piles all over the bedroom floor. At that moment, my heart just sank. But I didn't say anything, because I don't know why I didn't say anything. I kept cleaning.
And the next day I was cleaning the kitchen, and I was throwing out the three-year old mayonnaise, and I was throwing out the Taco Bell sauce packets, and all the takeout paraphernalia, and the plastic bags that were in piles shopping bags in the corner. I remember the moment where I was scrubbing the floor. I was on my hands and knees. My dad was at a higher level than me, because he was seated at the kitchen table. We got into a fight, because I was really upset about the bedroom. And I said, "Dad, I'm doing this for you. I'm doing all this cleaning for you." And in the meanest, coldest voice, he said, "I didn't ask you to do that."
At that time, I was too young and too angry to realize that there was really so much pain behind those words. And so, I just went back to college and I was like, [beep] it. [beep] you.” I didn't think about him, and I didn't call him, and he was all alone. Everybody in his life had left him. And I didn't care. But I've come to realize that your physical space is a reflection of your mental, spiritual, and emotional state. And no matter how much I tried to clean in that house, it was always going to come back, because there was so much tied to it. It was like my parents’ fear, their resentment, their anger, their hatred. And until they were ready to confront that with each other and for themselves, I could never clean up my parents’ mess. Thank you.
[cheers and applause]
Meg: [00:35:15] That was Alison Minami. Alison is a performer and writer. She teaches writing in Los Angeles. To see a picture of Alison, you can visit The Moth website. And while you're there, we'd love to hear your story. Go to themoth.org, click on Tell a Story, and it'll take you on a step by step how to, so you can pitch us your story.
[Thursday Evening Lumens by Matthias Bossi]
When we come back, we'll hear a story from a man who cites being seen as inspirational as one of his biggest pet peeves.
[Thursday Evening Lumens by Matthias Bossi]
Jay: [00:35:56] The Moth Radio Hour is produced by Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts. And presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org.
Meg: [00:36:08] This is The Moth Radio Hour from PRX. I'm Meg Bowles from The Moth.
Our last story is from Ryan Knighton. Ryan told this story on our Mainstage at the Players in New York for an evening we called Driven: Stories of Shifting Gears. Here's Ryan, live at The Moth.
[cheers and applause]
Ryan: [00:36:31] I'm 17 years old, and I've got thick glasses, and I've got really complicated 1980s hair, [audience chuckles] and I've got a fresh driver's license. I'm out gassing my dad's car up out at a gas station out among the blueberry farms of my hometown in Canada. I'm late and I'm way past curfew, because I've been helping my girlfriend climb in through her window. [audience laughter] And so, I got to get home. And so, I finish gassing up the car and I'm leaving this gas station. I look down the road, it's all clear. And I make my turn. And suddenly, there's this horrendous metal crashing noise. I'm not hit from the front and I'm not hit from behind. It emanates from underneath the car, and the car lifts and stops.
So, I open the door and I get out. It's a long way down. [audience chuckles] When I look under the car, I see I've actually managed to Stonehenge my father's Pontiac Acadian on a boulder. [audience laughter] There's actually this row of decorative boulders that lead to the exit of the gas station. I've turned about 20 feet shy of the road, and I'm perched. [audience chuckles] I hear the gas jockey shout, "Nice one. [audience chuckles] You're a smart one, aren't you?" How am I going to explain this? Out where I lived out there in those farms, like, if you don't have a car, you don't have a life. I just got my life. [audience chuckles] I'm not letting these boulders take my life. [audience laughter] And the gas jockey says, "I'll get a tow truck," which is going to take my life.
So, I just get in the car, and I do the only thing I know how to do. I start it and I dump the clutch in the gas and I bounce and it catches, and somehow, I launched a Pontiac Acadian off a boulder. [audience laughter] And I'm free. But I didn't notice that there was another row of boulders across the lawn, [audience laughter] which I then cleared. The next morning, my father wakes up and he goes out to work. He gets out and his car is sitting in a pool of oil in the driveway. And so, I dig a finger into my 1980s hair and I just scratch it like, I don't know what happened. [audience chuckles] I keep it to myself, and I tell myself, "Just look harder next time. Just look where you're going, you idiot."
So, I do look harder. I look harder, and I don't notice the stop sign that I blow through a week later when I frogger right across a four-lane freeway. And so, I look harder for stop signs when I drive in the oncoming lane, twice. So, I stopped listening to music in my father's car. I cleaned my glasses, and I even took my 1980s hair out of my eyes. My 1980s were over, but my independence had just begun. I just needed more practice. That's all I kept telling myself. So, one night at about 02:00 in the morning, I'm crawling home in first gear from this party, because I'm looking for the turn to my parents’ street and I can't find it. I don't know why, it just seems really foggy for this time of year.
I see the turn, and I make it, and the car descends into this ditch. It doesn't even touch the bottom, it doesn't even touch the water, I just literally parked my father's car on the banks of a ditch, like a mole on a face. And I got out. How am I going to explain this? Like, if I had crashed my father's car at 50 miles an hour, I would have been normal. But crash your father's car at 2 miles an hour? [audience chuckles] It scared the hell out of me. It scared the hell out of my father who demanded an explanation. And I said, "I don't know, I just didn't see the turn." He's like, "How do you not see a massive empty ditch?" "I don't know, it's just a big blank spot. I don't know."
And he says, "How do you not know you had to see something?" And I don't. So, I just say “I lied.” I said I was drunk. He didn't speak to me for several weeks. And it hurt, because I knew it was a lie and it was mine, but it filled the hole. Something about it just didn't sit right with my mom. So, a few weeks later, she sent me to the doctor to get my glasses checked. Maybe they needed to be thicker. And so, I go in and the doctor shines his light in the eye and it doesn't refract back. He says, “You're night blind.” And he said, “You have this thing called retinitis pigmentosa. It's a genetic condition. It just can occur. It begins by losing your night vision, and then you slowly lose your peripheral vision, and it closes in and then you go blind. It could take two years, it could take 20. Do you have any questions?” [audience laughter]
My father's car was right, I was going blind. It's what had been telling me all along. My father and I drove home from the doctor. It was my 18th birthday. We drove past that spot and he did this sort of bullseye that he does through the nose, the dads do. I knew what he was doing was he was filling with a guilt for what he'd said to me. And it's a guilt he's never let go. So, after that, it was odd, because like, how did I feel about being told I was going blind. I felt relieved, because suddenly it all made sense. Everything that had happened to me on those nights, I wasn't crazy, I wasn't clumsy, I was going blind. My driver's license became this picture of a guy who was slowly receding from me. I gave my dad his keys. And instead, I picked up a white cane.
It didn't take long. And the relief gave away to an anger. And that anger was only saved by punk rock. [audience chuckles] It was odd, because I just gotten my independence right? I'd just become a man, and they took it away. And now, my mother is driving me to school, my mother is reading my mail to me. And worse, I became inspirational. [audience laughter] You cross the street, and people applaud. [audience laughter] You cut your meat. Angel choirs come down and sing. [audience laughter] And worst of all, I became he. "Would he like a menu? Would he like a hand across the street? And he never drove again.”
Then one day, I'm camping with my brother and my father. I'm now 30. It's been 12 years. We're out in the boonies in these logging roads. My brother is tearing around on this four wheeled ATV out in the woods. It just sounds [beep] fun. [audience chuckles] I haven't run in seven years at this point. And to feel like going fast and controlling yourself at the edge of that speed, it's just been so long. So, he gets back, I say to him, "Do you remember that stupid movie Scent of a Woman? [audience chuckles] There's a scene in it where Al Pacino plays this blind guy. He drives a Ferrari around New York like anybody could. There's a guy in the passenger seat, says, 'Little left, little right.' He just does it. Do you think it works?" [audience laughter]
So, 15 minutes later, we're on this narrow logging road. I'm holding the handlebars. My brother is behind me, and he says, "Are you sure you want to do this?" [audience chuckles] And we go. I'm blowing through gears like potato chips. I don't know how fast we're going, but it's fast enough that the wind is making my eyes water. "A little left, A little right. A little left. Left, left, left, right, right. right " It's working, and I'm chasing it. I cannot feel that edge of independence. I just feel reckless. I think maybe just a little faster, I'll find it there. So, I go faster. And he says left. And I hear right, because the wind is wiping his words away. So, I wrench right and he says left. And for some reason, I wrench right harder. He reaches around and makes this death cry, [audience chuckles] and he wrenches us clear of a tree about a foot away from us.
I've almost killed my brother. For what? For a little bit of independence, for a little speed? What do you say to somebody when you've almost killed them for that? So, I turn to him and I say, "Let's do it again." [audience laughter] And he says, "Shut up." And I'm like, "How fast were we going?" He's like, "Shut up." And I'm like, "Were we really close to that tree?" He's like, "Get off." [audience laughter] And I feel bad, but not bad enough that I don't ask him to record his death cry on my voicemail. [audience laughter] It's like, "Please leave your message after the--" [audience laughter]
Then one day, I get this call from a writer in Toronto. And he says, "Have you heard about this race in Granby, Quebec? There's a race around a speedway track. It's a circular track. It's 40 cars, and it's blind drivers, and they're allowed to have a sighted passenger tell them what to do. It's a race to see who can complete 10 laps first. Would you want to do that?" [audience laughter] I hear my brother's pig slaughter death cry, and I say, "Of course, it's racing. It's not driving. I swore I'd never drive again, but this is racing." [audience chuckles]
So, two months later, we're standing at the safety briefing. There's 80 people standing there. And because it's Quebec, they give you the safety briefing in French first. I don't understand a word of French. So, we just listen and we wait. I say to Pasha, who's my sighted passenger, I say, "Tell me what the people around me look like, and what are we up against?" And he says, "Well, there's this dad and a son over there. The dad's blind. He's about 60. Son's maybe 30. He's got his hand on his dad's shoulder. They look inspirational." [audience laughter] I hate inspiration. [audience chuckles] And you could just hear the Disney music underneath it. The choral angels come down. It's like, "We're going to do it, dad. [audience chuckles] Yeah, we're going to drive son just the way we used to." [audience laughter]
I turn to Pasha and I say, "I don't care what happens. We take them out." [audience laughter] And he says, "That's a bit mean, isn't it?" And I say, "Somebody has to take a stand." [audience laughter] They finish the safety briefing and they say, Bonne chance. And they don't do it in English. [audience laughter] So, 15 minutes later, we're sitting in our car, and I turn on my turn signal to drive the sighted people crazy. [audience laughter] They wave the green flag. They wave the green flag, and nobody goes. [audience laughter] I don't really know why. Like, we had sighted passenger. I don't know, you guys are sighties. You figure it out. [audience laughter]
So, they went and got a pistol and they shoot the pistol, and then it was Road Warrior. [audience chuckles] It was a demolition derby trying to be a race. It was like cholesterol-- Pop cars pile up in the bloodstream of the track. We're all going around trying to get around each other. There's fenders falling off and there's wheels falling off and people are screaming and Pasha's going "Left, right, left, right." [audience chuckles] It was boring. [audience chuckles] I couldn't see any of it. All I got was, “A little left, little right, little left, little right, bump.” [audience chuckles]
When it was over, Pasha had to climb out my side of the car. [audience chuckles] I shut the door and I just-- Something in me shifted and I realized, like, “What am I chasing? Like, where am I trying to go so fast?” It's like, I live at the scale of my foot, not the tire. I live in a world that didn't expect me. I [beep] between the urinals. That's how I roll. [audience laughter] As for that father and son, I mean did we win? Did we take them out? I think sometimes in a story, as in a life, maybe you just don't get to see what happens at the end.
[cheers and applause]
Meg: [00:49:21] That was Ryan Knighton, author of the internationally acclaimed memoir Cockeyed and C'mon Papa: Dispatches from a Dad in the Dark. You can find all the stories you heard in this hour at the iTunes store, or on our website, themoth.org.
Thanks so much for listening, and we hope you'll join us again next time for The Moth Radio Hour.
[Drive from Dispatch]
[Uncanny Valley theme music by The Drift]
Jay: [00:49:51] Your host this hour was Meg Bowles. Meg directed the stories in the hour along with Catherine Burns and Jenifer Hixson.
The rest of The Moth's directorial staff includes Sarah Haberman and Sarah Austin Jenness, with production support from Jenna Weiss-Berman and Brandon Echter. Moth events are recorded by Argot Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest.
Our theme music is by The Drift. Other music in this hour from Disney's Pinocchio, Journey, Lawless music, and Dispatch. The Moth is produced for radio by me, Jay Allison at Atlantic Public Media in Woods Hole, Massachusetts, with help from Viki Merrick. This hour was produced with funds from the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, the National Endowment for the Arts, and the John D. & Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, committed to building a more just, verdant, and peaceful world.
The Moth Radio Hour is presented by the Public Radio Exchange, prx.org. For more about our podcast, for information on pitching your own story, and everything else, go to our website, themoth.org.