Host: Catherine Burns

Catherine: [00:00:01] Hey, podcast listeners, this is Catherine Burns, The Moth's artistic director. I just wanted to let you know that Mike Massimino, who has told several great Moth stories about being an astronaut, we jokingly refer to him as our astronaut. He has a book out, and it comes out today. It's called Spaceman: An Astronaut's Unlikely Journey to Unlock the Secrets of the Universe. We're so proud of him, and just wanted to give him a little shoutout. Okay, now, here's Daniel. 

Dan: [00:00:27] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm Dan Kennedy. And this week on the podcast, we have stories about relationships, how we let go of some, how we forge others. 

Our first story is from Tracy Rowland. It was told live in Los Angeles at a show we did in 2013, where theme of the night was When Worlds Collide. 

[applause] 

Here's Tracy. 

Tracy: [00:00:50] I was having dinner with my boyfriend, the musician. I have loved musicians in the past, yet still didn't learn not to. [audience laughter] And that's good, because this one was a keeper. Not only was he ridiculously talented, Matthew was genuinely sweet. He was good looking, and he did not have a roommate. [audience laughter] So, I had scored the New York City dating trifecta. 

I leaned across the table and I seductively offered him a bite of my nachos. And Matt flinched and said, “Oh, no, I can't. It's November.” So, having cleared that up, he went back to eating his quinoa. He looked up when he saw me staring at him and he explained, as if to a child, “We cannot eat grains in the winter.” And I'm like, “Says who?” “But I knew, says Joe, the life coach.” 

Joe was Matthew's own personal Jiminy Cricket, giving life advice, giving nutrition advice, giving advice advice. Matt was healthy, and his career was thriving, so hey, you reject all the grains you want there, baby. And who doesn't have quirks? So, corn chips, kryptonite, we've all got something. I have quirks. Some call them flaws. [audience laughter] If Matt was going to put up with my tardiness, then sure, I totally accept it when he rotated my bed to face north, so that the earth's gravitational pull could flow unhampered through his body. [audience laughter] 

And sure, it blocked the door, [audience laughter] but Joe says it'll improve our sex life. I don't know what I found more unsettling, the science or the fact that Matt was talking to Joe about our sex life. My friends found this new world I was occupying. Very curious. They started to get a little concerned. Not only over Joe's hold on Matt, but his hold on me. They would come over and point out the new lush wheatgrass forest growing in my kitchen that had previously only known bacon. And I'd say, “Well, that's for our-- We need to start each day with a bracing shot of chloroform.” 

And then, there was the two giant yoga balls taking up my living room and then they'd point out the calendar with dates scratched off. This would be plans that were scuttled at the last minute when Joe decided that Matt needed to take a salt bath. [audience laughter] This is unacceptable. My friends told me, “You hate yoga.” I had to remind them that, “Listen, love is about compromise.” And then, I reminded them about that time when I spent an entire year pretending to like jazz? It's like that. [audience laughter] 

And so, I was really psyched to meet Matt's family, because I thought, oh, now I'm going to see the root of this. I'm going to see where he gets all his talent and all his quirks. And so, at a nephew's bar mitzvah, Matt's sister came up to introduce me. To introduce herself, she reached out her hand, she said, “Hi, we hate Joe.” [audience laughter] I started to defend him, and she cut me off and she said, “Listen, are you growing wheatgrass in your kitchen?” “Yes.” “Do you like wheatgrass?” “No.” It's like kissing a lawn. And it felt so good to admit that. 

His family had seen my kind before, you know the well-meaning girl that was enabling Matt's weirdness. And I'm like, “Well, I'm different.” I left that bar mitzvah vowing that my love would save my boyfriend from his life coach, because my love is strong enough to save anything. Behind my childhood home lies a row of graves filled with rescued baby birds who are whispering, “No, it's not.” [audience laughter] So, I began to investigate Joe. And by investigate Joe I meant I googled Joe. I googled him and I learned that he has no degree, he has no certification, he has no qualifications. He has ample charisma and the power of persuasion, and he has a patent on telefitness. 

Joe needs telefitness to explain himself as to how he is counseling people in New York from a sun-drenched compound on a pricey piece of California real estate. He's doing it over the phone. The landline is a very powerful conductor of energy according to literature written by Joe. He can gauge the energy flow and the karma thing, Zen of his disciples from poolside. [audience laughter] So using telefitness, he's got it made and he's got it all sewn up. So, I presented my findings very delicately to Matt when I said to him, “This is bullshit.” [audience laughter] He disagreed. 

And so, he tried to broker a truce between his girlfriend and his guru, and he planned a session between us two and Joe. And I said, “Oh, session? Oh, you mean a conference call? We're going to do a conference call.” And he ignored that. And so, he lined it all up and I arrived and at Matt's house early to show him that people can change on their own. Matt asked me if I brought my checkbook, and I'm like, “Oh, yeah, I guess telefitness doesn't come free. Okay. How much is this call?” He looked me square in the face and he said, “Our session is $300.” And he said, “But--” 

As I'm digesting this, he calmly adds, “Joe would actually like to just have a session with you alone prior to our session. That too will be $300.” And I was like, “All right, this is just the pesky girlfriend introductory rate designed to scare me away, which it is not doing for I have love.” And he said, “No, this is what everybody pays.” I was like, “Every session?” He said, “Yeah.” And I said, “How many do you do a month?” And he said, “Well, four, unless Joe thinks I need more work and then it's eight.” 

And I started adding four to eight sessions over the past decade at $300 a pop. It came to probably a really big number and I just thought, this is a lifelong investment and I can't compete. My love is not strong enough for this, and I didn't want to compete anymore. As I turned and walked out of the Matt's apartment, he said very softly, but without anger or sadness, he said, “Joe knew you would leave.” [audience aww] Thanks. 

[cheers and applause] 

Dan: [00:08:21] Tracy Rowland is a three-time Moth SLAM champion and a regular on The Liar Show. She has a day job working in television. She's won Emmy awards. She was part of the creative teams that brought Cartoon Network to Asia and the Al Jazeera network to America and she's a firm believer in trade balance. 

Next is a story from Carlos Kotkin. He told it in 2014 at a Mainstage with theme, Here there be Dragons. Here's Carlos, live in New York City. 

[applause] 

Carlos: [00:08:54] About a year into our marriage, my wife and I decided, we were ready for the adventure of having a child. So, we officially started trying, as they say. And eight months later, bingo, my wife got pregnant. 

I was very excited about the idea of becoming a father. I had been well trained. My dad is the best dad I could possibly ask for. If I did half the job my dad did, I would be in good shape. There's only one time where my dad's parenting skills were questionable. When I was 12, we went on a hike. And on the side of the trail, we discovered a standing hollow tree stump about my height. My dad looked at it. He looked at me and he said, “Why don't you see if you can fit in there?” [audience laughter] So, I climbed inside, up to my armpits. I was like a cork in a wine bottle. I looked at my dad and I said, “I do fit in here.” [audience laughter] 

So, then we were going to continue with the hike, but I couldn't get out. No matter how hard I tried, I could not get out. My dad couldn't get me out, no matter how hard he tried. Eventually, he had to take off and go find some forest rangers. It was terrible, terrible, terrible. [audience laughter] So, that's the only negative experience I associate [audience laughter] with my father. Although even that is a positive, because I learned not to ask my future kid to climb into a hollow tree stump. 

So, I was very excited about the idea of becoming someone's dad, about being someone's tour guide on their journey through life. The first time we heard the baby's heartbeat was the first time we went to the obstetrician. It was very fast and very loud. I can hear it right now. I asked the doctor when the baby's due date was. She took out her phone and used an app to calculate, and she told us that the baby would arrive October 12th. And from that moment on, October 12th became a date that loomed large. It was like when they show a hurricane on the news on the weather map getting bigger and bigger. Only in my case, it was my wife's belly getting bigger and bigger. 

By the time she looked like she had a basketball under her shirt, the baby was moving around a lot, but I kept missing it. It was so disappointing. I wanted to feel it. And one night, when the baby was particularly active, my wife called me over, “Come here, come here. Put your hand. You'll feel it.” She took my hand, she put it on her belly and I waited and waited for something to happen. Nothing. Finally, I commented, “This is like whale watching.” [audience laughter] Something in the tone of my wife's voice, when she said, “Gee, thanks,” signaled to me that perhaps I should have phrased things a little differently. 

I didn't know what I was doing. It was a new experience for me. For my wife too. My wife didn't want to know anything. As far as she was concerned, the less she knew about being pregnant, the better. She was scared, and I was the opposite. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to understand what she was going through. So, I did a lot of reading on pregnancy websites. Every now and then, my wife would let me know about something unusual that was happening with her body, and I would be able to tell her, “That's not unusual. It's perfectly normal. It's all over the mommy message boards. [audience laughter] Don't worry about it.” 

We got a little more insight when we had dinner with our friends, Mark and Ann, who have three kids. Mark was very upset, very upset, when he found out I did not have a birth plan. He said, “You have to have a birth plan. You need to know where to park. Is she going to get an epidural? Is there going to be a shaman in the room? You need to know these things.” He was so upset. I told him to calm down. I promised him I would get a birth plan. 

A few days after that dinner, my wife and I, we were driving home and we passed the hospital about a mile from where we lived. I casually pointed out to her, I said, “That's where we're going to be. We're going to be in one of those delivery rooms. That's where we're going to meet our kid.” And my wife responded, “I don't want you in the room.” This was a big surprise to me. I thought, for sure, I was going to be in the room. I wanted to be in the room. As far as I was concerned, being in the room was like greeting a relative when they arrive at the airport, “You're here. Hooray.” [audience laughter] But my wife told me that this was her challenge. She was going to do it on her own. 

When we got home, we talked about it some more. I asked her if she was sure, because I could hold her hand, I could cheer her on, I could say things like, “You're doing great, honey. Keep up the good work.” She was adamant that this was her challenge to face on her own. I was dismayed. I didn't understand it, but I didn't put up a fight, because from everything I had read about delivering a child, it sounded uncomfortable. [audience laughter]. I didn't want to make her more uncomfortable than she was already going to be by my presence. So, I accepted it. It was hard to accept it, but I accepted it. 

There's a park, a small park on the grounds of the hospital. I decided that the day that our child arrived, I would sit in that park on a bench, maybe I would have a snack, and at some point, I would receive a text saying, “Come meet your baby. Smiley face.” [audience laughter] And that would be how I experienced labor and delivery. [audience laughter] 

I pictured myself sitting on that bench on October 12th, many, many times. However, on August 12th, two months, exactly two months before October 12th, my wife woke me up around 10:30 at night. And with concern, she told me, “Something is happening.” Her water broke. I hopped out of bed and immediately thought, I need to get a birth plan. [audience laughter] 

First step in my plan, put some pants on. Which I did. We were ready to leave within minutes. There was just one obstacle in the living room. We needed to get past my in-laws. They just happened to be visiting and we’re sleeping on an air mattress. I looked at my wife, I said, “What do you want to do about the people in the other room?” And she whispered urgently, “Just go.” 

So, we just went. I didn't look at them. I raced past them. I didn't know if they were awake. We get to the car and I receive a text from my mother-in-law, “Where are you going?” [audience laughter] I didn't know whether to tell her the truth and freak her out, or play it cool and respond something along the lines of, “Everything's fine. We're just going to a rave. [audience laughter] Don't worry about it.” I decided that I would let her know what was happening when I knew what was happening. 

So, we got to the hospital in record time. We rushed to the security guard and asked him, “Where do people go when they have babies?” These were his exact words, “Make a left, take the elevator to the second floor, make a right and a right and a right, go down the hall, make a right and a left and another right, and then ring the doorbell.” And somehow, we did that. [audience laughter] 

So, my wife got admitted. A nurse examined her and the nurse told us that the baby wanted to arrive, but they would be able to delay the arrival by about a month. My wife was going to have to stay in the hospital on bed rest. They wheeled in a cot for me. I lied down in it, and next thing I knew, my wife's contractions began. All of a sudden, my cot is being wheeled out and a pit crew of people are racing including two nurses carrying a dessert tray. 

The on-call doctor also rushed in, examines my wife and declares, “The baby is coming. Do you have any questions?” [sighs] I asked the doctor if there was anything that we could give my wife, because she was in so much pain. And the doctor said, “Unfortunately, there's no time.” I so wanted to ask, “Is there anything you could give me?” Because this is a really stressful environment. [audience laughter] I was supposed to be in the park under a tree. Suddenly, I'm in the trenches. I had a second to turn to my wife and ask her if she wanted me to leave. She reached up, grabbed my hand and crushed the bones in it. [audience laughter] I took that as a no. So, I stayed right by her side. 

There was a washcloth on top of her head that somebody had placed there for some reason. [audience laughter] And every time my wife pushed, the washcloth would slide off her face and cover her eyes. So, I picked it up and I wanted to ask somebody if there was anywhere else we could put this. But everybody seemed busy, so I carefully put it back on top of my wife's head and waited for it to fall and then I would put it back on her head. And that's what I did for most of the time, was I would just-- Okay. 

Besides the washcloth, there was more squeezing and breathing and counting and pushing, and then there was our baby, smallest, tiniest human being I had ever seen crying so loudly. The doctor yelled out right away, “That crying is fantastic.” They took the baby, they put the baby on the dessert tray [audience laughter] and they carried the dessert tray and the baby to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, the NICU, a place I never realized existed until I walked into one. It's a place where professional guardian angels keep premature babies warm and safe and alive. There were five other premature babies. You could see them in their pods, and none of them looked like newborns. All of them looked like they still belonged in the womb, which they did. They definitely needed help, and they were getting it. 

When my wife and I gazed at our child from both sides of the incubator, I looked at the baby and I said to the baby, “Where are your parents?” And the baby smiled. It was probably gas, [audience laughter] but it was a genuine smile at the absolute perfect moment. I called the in-laws later that morning and told them the news. As I waited for them to arrive at the hospital, I saw a group of pregnant women with their husbands taking a tour. They were so giddy and chatty, as if they were on a field trip. I looked at them and I couldn't help but think, what a bunch of amateurs. [audience laughter] 

So, our child stayed in the NICU for five weeks, and then we brought the baby home, healthy. Several months into parenthood, as we carried the baby into the bedroom and put the baby in the crib, as we walked out, I whispered to my wife, “Isn't it amazing that we made a person?” My wife looked at me with hesitance. She asked me, “Do you look at me differently now that you've seen me deliver a baby?” And in that moment, I realized why she didn't want me in the room. I'm slow, but eventually I get things. 

I felt very bad that she had the concern I would be less attracted to her. I took her in my arms and right away I told her, “Of course, I look at you differently. I'm in awe of you. You nourished and nurtured and sheltered a life with your body, and then you brought that life into the world. I did one thing, and it wasn't that difficult.” [audience laughter] My wife is a superhero. I love her and our 16-month-old daughter more than words can express. Thank you. 

[cheers and applause] 

Dan: [00:22:52] Carlos Kotkin is a regular at our Los Angeles StorySLAMs. He's also the author of a book called "Please God, Let It Be Herpes. 

That's it for this week. I hope you, guys, enjoyed the stories. Thanks to all of you for listening and from all of us here at The Moth. We hope you have a story-worthy week. 

Catherine: [00:23:10] Dan Kennedy is the author of the books, Loser Goes First, Rock On, An American Spirit. He's also a regular host and performer with The Moth.

Dan: [00:23:19] Podcast production by Timothy Lou Ly. Moth events are recorded by Argo Studios in New York City, supervised by Paul Ruest. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.