Host: Michelle Jalowski

Michelle: [00:00:02] Welcome to The Moth Podcast. I'm your host this week, Michelle Jalowski. And I'm a producer and director here at The Moth. 

I really love listening to other stories, because I think it helps widen the circle of who we see as worthy of our respect, empathy and concern. Usually when we talk about being empathetic, we mean towards other people. But today, we'll hear two stories from people who went out of their way, maybe even to ridiculous lengths, to extend that loving kindness to our animal friends. I also chose these stories, because they make me laugh. And let's be honest, I think we could all use a laugh after the past few weeks. 

Our first story is from Majdy Fares. Majdy told this at a StorySLAM in Detroit, where the theme of the night was Intentions. Here's Majdy, live at The Moth.

[cheers and applause] 

Majdy: [00:00:51] My backyard consists of 40 feet of grass, two swans and a small lake. These swans are both strikingly beautiful and strikingly hostile. They're not my favorite. [audience laughter] I like the mallards and the turtles way more than the swans. My least favorite wild animal on the property are the Airbnb guests. [audience laughter] 

When we moved to D.C., we rented out the place. Our first bad review was a nightmare come true, “A swan hissed at my daughter and we just didn't feel safe.” [audience laughter] Two stars. [audience laughter] After that, our reservation rate plummeted. My chances of becoming a superhost went down the drain. [audience laughter] I'm petty. My inbox filled up with messages and questions about the swan that I didn't have answers for. [audience laughter] So, these swans have been there long before me, but they've become a threat to my guests and more importantly, my income.

So, I called the city and received some surprising advice, “Coyote urine.” [audience laughter] Excuse me? [chuckles] “You'll scare them away if you cover your yard with coyote urine.” [audience laughter] How am I supposed to do that? Do I give a coyote a Bud Light and grab and walk backwards? [audience laughter] I mean, how do I do this? I'm from the suburbs. I don't-- [audience laughter] [clears throat] Now, I'm online on Amazon reading reviews for coyote urine. [audience laughter] He was like, “Make sure you do it before they nest.” 

So, I ordered it online. It shipped in three days. I'm reading all these reviews. My favorite review, by the way, “Bought it to repel skunks. Smells way worse than skunks.” [audience laughter] Yeah, that's what I'm dealing with. [audience laughter] I didn't even know which one to buy, so I just sorted the results by newest arrivals and purchased the top one. Not to sound bougie or anything, but I only buy the freshest coyotes’ urines. [audience laughter] [clears throat] 

When the package arrived, the box was wet. [audience laughter] It was leaking. It was damaged in transit. I could smell it from 50 feet away. This poor UPS driver had to drive around with it all day long. [audience laughter] Anyways, I didn't have time to return it, because it was nesting season. This had to be done now. The time had come. So, I suited up for battle. Felt like Rambo. [audience laughter] If my neighbors were outside that day, they would have saw me [chuckles] wearing six garbage bags, [audience laughter] spraying urine everywhere, going, [imitates Sylvester Stallone] “You made me this way. You drew first blood,” which wasn't a good idea, because the wind from the lake kept blowing it right back into my face. [audience laughter]

I couldn't wipe it off, so I had to just let it sit there on my face, like pee-pee tears. [audience laughter] [clears throat] I called the city again. “Yeah, your plan didn't work. The swan is still here and I have coyote urine on my tonsils. [audience laughter] Help me.” They said, “You have the right to shoot the swan.” And that's tempting, but I'm not going to shoot a swan over an Airbnb review. They said, “Swans are considered an invasive species by law.” But the swan was here before me, I feel like I'm the invasive species. They said, “Swans can be aggressive and hostile when it comes to their territory.” I said, that's because I'm trying to displace them from their land. I'm trying to remove them from their land. 

And he said, “But technically, the land is yours.” I said “I don't have time to turn this into a Palestine-Israeli conflict right now.” [audience laughter and holler] I hung up. "You give bad advice." [audience laughter] I changed my intentions. Rather than finding a way to get rid of them, I found a way to include them. I updated the listing, put photos of the swans, [audience laughter] fun facts about the swans, like how they mate for life. "Come visit Swan Lake." [audience laughter] 

A lot of people were scared off by those changes, but I attracted all these nature lovers who know how to keep their distance from a swan. So, now, business is good. The swans are happy. So, treat God's creatures with respect, even if your government tells you not to.

[cheers and applause]

Michelle: [00:06:31] That was Majdy Fares. Majdy is a Palestinian-American who currently lives in Arlington, Virginia. He's a medical sales rep by day and a comedian at night. When he's not writing or performing, Majdy enjoys fishing and bargain hunting. 

Majdy says, he's no longer Airbnb-ing the house, but his mother has actually moved in. He says she's slowly building a rapport with the swan family. To see some photos of Majdy's Swan Lake, head to our website themoth.org. 

Up next, Lucie Moses. Just a heads-up, Lucie’s story mentions the existence of sex. Lucie told this story at a StorySLAM in Berkeley, where the theme of the night was Love Hurts. Here's Lucie, live at The Moth.

[cheers and applause] 

Lucie: [00:07:17] Good evening. So, my son is in the audience. It's a good thing, because it's time for him to learn the truth about how Luc really died. So, 10 years ago, I volunteered to be a foster mom for an orphan squirrel. I did my training at the Urban Wildlife Rescue Center and waited for the call. In early spring, it happened. Somewhere a baby squirrel fell from a nest, and he was placed with us. We called him Luc. 

When Luc arrived, he was three weeks old. A three-week-old baby squirrel is really tiny, doesn't have any hair, his eyes are fused, his tail is like a rat tail. It's the cutest thing ever. [audience laughter] So, it needed to be fed with a little syringe with a rubber nipple, like little puppy formula, every three hours. It needed warmth. So, I kept it in my hand or in my pocket, brought it to work on the little heating pad. I kept it on my lap while I was working.

About a week later, a second squirrel was placed with us, and we called him Busta Nuts. [audience laughter] He was a few days younger, but he was bigger than Luc. We could tell he was going to be a big guy someday. They got along great. Everything was going great. Luc was a little more delicate. He copped pneumonia, then he got diarrhea, which was really smelly, embarrassing at work. [audience laughter] But we made it work and he got over it. 

And then, he would do this thing that he would start screaming in pain, like something was really bothering him. So, I called Lila from the Urban Wildlife, I was like, "I don't know what's going on. He just starts screaming suddenly." She's like, "Oh, I know what that is. Can you really look at them closely and let me know if maybe Busta is biting him?" I was like, "Biting him? I mean, those guys love each other. Why would they?" So, I pay attention. “And yeah, Busta was biting him on the penis.” [audience aww] 

And she was like, "Oof. Yeah, you know, it's a common problem with orphaned baby squirrels where basically, Busta is looking for his mom's nipples [audience aww] and there is no mom. So, he found something else. It's bringing him comfort, but it's not so nice for Luc. [audience laughter] Those squirrels have very sharp teeth. I was horrified. I was like, "What do I do?" She's like, "Well, don't worry, it's just a phase. Just keep them apart." [audience laughter] 

Okay. So, I keep them apart. But that didn't work, because they were really missing each other. They were [makes whimpering sound] whimpering and looking for the other one. I couldn't do it. So, I put them back together [makes painful noise] [audience laughter] and that doesn't work. So, I had an idea. I know how to sew. I took a little piece of felt, a thread and a needle, and I sewed little squirrel underpants. [audience laughter] Let me tell you, baby squirrels do not like to be put in underpants. [audience laughter] I'm trying to squeeze Luc in his little squirrel underpants and he just wiggles out. [audience laughter] So, I had to improve on my design. 

I took another piece of felt, and really wrapped it around the tail and then sewed really tight. And now, it was a full-on squirrel chastity pants. [audience laughter] So, I put them together. Busta would try to nuzzle, but it didn't get anywhere. It stayed on perfect. I mean, it wasn't perfect. It would get dirty, would fall off after a bit. But she was right. After a while they seemed to grow out of it. They also grew big enough that they had their own cage now. So, I wasn't carrying them around anymore. They had a big cage, and there were branches and fruits and nuts and they were just doing their own thing. They seemed to have forgotten about this whole thing. 

And then, we put a little hammock in the corner with a little fleece blanket. The cisco was like their happy place where they could go sleep. But then, we noticed that the hammock would be bouncing and rocking. And so, we took a peek, and the sucking was still going on, except that now Luc seemed to be enjoying it as well. [audience laughter] So, we figured that Busta learned not to use his teeth. And now, it was consensual. [audience laughter] So, we figured it's okay. Just whatever rocks that little hammock, we don't care. [audience laughter] 

A couple of weeks after that, they graduated to an even bigger cage. This one was in the garden. It was like 6 feet by 6 feet by 4 feet. Another volunteer came and helped to build it. At this point, you're supposed to let them become wild. You're not supposed to interact with them anymore. So, we just let them be. Two other squirrels from another volunteer came and stayed with them. Luc and the other two squirrels, I couldn't really tell them apart, they were all kind of the same, scrambling in the back.

Busta I could tell apart, because like I said, he was a big-boned little squirrel and he was more human friendly, would come to the front when we gave them food. So, it took me a while to realize that Luc was missing. I noticed there were only two squirrels in the back. So, I figured, “Oh, he must have found a hole in the cage.” So I went in the cage, looked everywhere and I couldn't find a hole. But I found Luc's body and he was dead in the hammock. And so, I called the lady, she came and picked it up to do a necropsy, which is like an autopsy but for animals and she told me, "I know exactly what Luc died of. He died of a bladder infection." 

I was like, "Can you even die of a bladder infection, and how can you be so sure?" She's like, "Well, I know for sure, because his bladder was very enlarged. It was very enlarged, because he hadn't been able to pee for a while. And that was because his penis was all infected." [audience aww] And I was like, “This is terrible.” I can never tell that to my kids, [audience laughter] because how can I tell them that they were impressionable little boys, that their pet died of excessive oral sex. [audience laughter] But son, you're grown now and it's time for you to learn the truth. [audience laughter] But don't worry. Yes, love hurts sometimes, but it almost never actually kills you. [audience laughter]

[cheers and applause]

Michelle: [00:13:49] That was Lucie Moses. Lucie was born and raised in France. 25 years ago, she moved to Berkeley, California, where she is raising two sons and occasionally baby squirrels. 

There's so much I love about Lucie's story. I was a weird pet haver as a kid. My parents weren't into animals, so no cats or dogs for us. I had to make do with hamsters, hermit crabs and my personal favorite, a giant California snail that I named Slimy, and truly loved with all my heart. But never a squirrel. 

I was very interested in how Lucie came to care for Luc and Busta, so I gave her a call to ask. Here's Lucie.

Lucie: [00:14:23] I had a friend who did it too, who had also signed up and did that program. My kids really wanted to have a pet, so they had been asking. One wanted a cat, but my husband is allergic. One wanted a dog, but that's a lot of work. So, I was always trying to find a compromise. I was like, "Well, I guess we could get a guinea pig." But nobody's excited about that. 

So, fostering the squirrel, when I saw my friend do it, it seemed perfect because they place them with you for three months, and then by law, you have to release them. So, you know, even if the kids are begging me to keep the pet, I can be like, "Oh, sorry, we're not allowed to keep this pet any longer." So, it seemed like the perfect pet to me. Like, just have them this intense pet experience for three months, and then they go away.

But it did turn out that it was a little more demanding. [chuckles] When I had agreed to this, when I signed up for the fostering program, I’m a designer and I work from home most of the time, so I'm like, "Oh, yeah, this is fine. This new thing's going to be at home." But then, when the call finally came and the squirrel was placed with me, I was actually working at a client's office. I was going there every day and I was like, "Oh, my God." 

I started a few weeks ago, and now I'm bringing this little creature that I have to, like, in the middle of a meeting, I'm like, "I'm sorry, it's feeding time." I have to get my syringe and try to feed puppy formula to this little baby squirrel. And then, the squirrel got diarrhea and was really smelly and I was like, "This is so unprofessional. I can't believe I'm doing this." But I don't know everybody at the office, part of it was cute. 

But there was a funny moment when we were in the middle of this, and my husband was like, "You know, Lucie, I know you. Three years from now, you’ll have forgotten all these terrible things and all this dealing with diarrhea, and the suckling and the whatever and you're going to want to do this again." So, he got out the video and he made a video of me just like, "Oh, my God," and he’s like, “It's so embarrassing at work, and it's smelly and this thing is going to die on me.” I was just ranting and ranting. My husband is keeping that video in case I ever say I want to adopt a baby orphan squirrel again.

Michelle: [00:16:36] That was Lucie Moses. 

We always ask our storytellers if they have photos, they'd like us to share alongside their story on our website. And Lucie really did not disappoint. To see photos of Luc and Busta, including the infamous squirrel chastity pants, head to themoth.org/extras. 

That's all for this week. If you have a story to tell about a pet or animal, or any personal story at all, really, we're all ears. You can submit a story pitch right on our website at themoth.org. From all of us here at The Moth, have a story-worthy week.

Julia: [00:17:10] Michelle Jalowski is a producer and director at The Moth, where she helps people craft and shape their stories for stages all over the world.

Michelle: [00:17:18] Podcast production by Julia Purcell. The Moth Podcast is presented by PRX, the Public Radio Exchange, helping make public radio more public at prx.org.