Kristy Hawkins - Yes, No, Maybe

 

 

I got divorced recently. My friends and family have decided that it's time for me to get back out there. One of them actually suggested that I should get on Tinder. [audience laughter] I'm not so old and out of it that I don't know what Tinder is. I know what it is. Actually, when I first got divorced, I asked my 21-year-old niece, if she thought I should sign up for the Grindr. [audience laughter] She explained to me that Tinder and Grindr are not the same thing. [audience laughter] But I don't really know how these sites work. I know what they are. 

 

But as my friend described it to me that night, and with the swiping left and the swiping right, it occurred to me this sounds so much like junior high. In junior high, when you like somebody, you would write a note and ask them, “Do you like me back? Check one. Yes. No. Maybe.” [audience laughter] And then, you wait for a response. It's straightforward. But for me, that's terrifying. If this is how dating is going to be, I'm not sure I want in, because I have really traumatic experiences with these notes. 

 

See, When I was 13, I was in love with a boy named Ryan. Ryan was tall, and blonde, and blue eyed and he was smart and quiet. He's what the kids today would call a hot nerd. I was not a hot nerd. I was what the kids today would just call a nerd. [audience laughter] I had a perm, and I had super thick glasses and I wore turtlenecks almost exclusively, like every day. [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]

 

Ryan was way out of my league. And I knew that. But it didn't stop me from loving him. I just loved him. I was not at all subtle about my love for Ryan. [audience laughter] So, a couple of his friends caught on that I liked him. These boys, Marcus and Adam, would just tease me about it, but I didn't care. I was in love. Well, this all came to a glorious, glorious head the Friday before spring break of my eighth-grade year. I went to my locker to get my books to go home, and there was a note stuck in my locker. And the note, I opened it up and read it, and it was from Ryan. And it said, “Dear, Kristy, I really like you. Do you like me too? Check one. Yes. No. Maybe. Love, Ryan.” [audience laughter] It said, love. 

 

It was happening. Like, this is happening. [audience laughter] I floated to the bus, and I read and reread that note all the way home, and imagining how Ryan and I were just going to be together forever. I knew that we would not be able to make our dreams come true until after spring break, because back in those days, we didn't have cell phones, so I would have to wait until we got back to school. But when I got home, we were ready to leave on vacation for spring break. The phone rang, just as we were walking out the door. My mom answered it. She called that it was for me. When I got closer, she stage whispers to me, “It's a boy.” [audience laughter] She's as surprised as I am, because I am not a kid that ever got called by boys. Believe me.

 

And so, I just knew it was Ryan. He was ready to get the party started. [audience laughter] He could not wait for spring break to be over. He wanted this to happen now. So, I was super cool. I was like, “Hey, Ryan. What's up?” And he was like, “Hey, Kristy. It's Ryan.” And then, he took a big breath and he said, “You know that note you got in your locker? Well, I didn't write it. Marcus wrote it. It was just a big joke. He thought it was really funny, but I didn't think it was funny. I just thought it was mean. So, I thought I had to call and tell you that I don't like you.” Oh, man. I felt all the feelings, like I was crushed, beyond crushed. 

 

But I gathered my wits and I said, oh, God, Ryan. Like, “I totally knew it was a joke the whole time. I would never fall for that. Well, anyway, Ryan, my mom's calling me, so I have to go. I'll see you in school.” [audience laughter] I just fell apart. I cried and cried and I cried. I cried for seven days straight at spring break. But when I got back to school, I hid my feelings. I never said a word about it to Ryan. I never said a word about it to Marcus. I just went on with my life. 

 

But fast forward 15 years, and I ran into Marcus in a bar, and I asked him after a few drinks, “Why in the hell did you do that to me? That was so mean.” And he said, “I had a huge crush on you, and that was my way of showing it.” [audience laughter] Okay. “Well, that sounds sweet. So, we got married.” [audience laughter] Yeah, we got married and we had three kids and we spent 10 years together. But wait, wait. You guys heard me at the beginning of this show, say that I just got divorced, right? [audience laughter] So, I'll spare you the details. 

 

But when Marcus left, it was like getting that note all over again and then getting a call telling me that the whole thing was just a joke. So, here I am. I'm 40. I'm going on 14, and I have to start dating again and we have to do it with technology. When I was in my 20s, we just put on beer goggles, and wrote a number on a napkin and hoped for the best. That seems simple. This is going to be tough. 

 

But I'm trying to look on the bright side. I don't wear glasses anymore and I don't perm my hair and I don't wear turtlenecks that often. [audience laughter] So, I'm liking my chances. I am liking my chances. So, I am here tonight to tell you that I am going to get on the Grindr [audience laughter] and I am going to find Orion, and I am going to be swiping left and swiping right, and one of these days, I'm going to get swiped back.