Tod Kelly - Xocoatl (Bitter Water)

 

When I was seven years old, I came home from school one day and my sister greeted me with her friends. Everybody has that one person in their life they want nothing but approval from, because they hero-worship them. And for me, it’s always been my sister. My sister greeted me with an Almond Joy bar and said, “This is for you, and I need to tell you why it’s for you. I was talking with my friends today, and they were explaining how all their little brothers and sisters are terrible people. I thought, I’m so lucky. I never treat you very well, and I realized how lucky I am that you’re my brother and I love you and I bought this for you.” I was so thrilled. I opened it, I took a bite and then I started-- 

 

So, here’s what my sister did, real quick. My sister had bought an Almond Joy and she'd steamed the package. She'd opened it, she'd pulled it out, she'd taken a bar of soap, she'd carved it in the shape of an Almond Joy. She melted chocolate over. She put it back, she glued it back and given it to me with this thing of sisterly love. I am going, [cries] “Oh, why did you do that?” And my sister goes, “Because in this world, there are winners and losers and you are a loser.” [audience laughter] This is 1970s. This is well before Mean Girls had L-fingered to forehead technology. But I have this memory of her doing this. My sister is five years older than me and there's nothing I can do.

 

Fast forward real quick, I'm a freshman in college, she's in graduate school. By this point, we get along well. My sister and I to this day are unbelievably close. We're home for break. I make a list of 10 things that she's done to me in childhood that I'm going to repay her for. [audience laughter] Later that night, we're having wine and I tell her about the list and she goes, "Well, that's fine. My guess is that like you'll probably get them all, maybe even this trip. But I'm telling you right now, you will never get me to eat chocolate-covered soap." And I'm like, "I could." She goes, "No. And this is why. Because I act with instinct. You overthink everything you ever do. That's why I will always be five steps ahead of you and that's why I beat you every time we go head-to-head.”

 

Challenge on. So, for the next 10 years, [audience laughter] I try so many ways. I actually made a salad with grated Parmesan cheese and I grated soap into it as well. It didn't matter what I did. One point even I stopped for three years, knowing that in the fourth year I would do it again. [audience laughter] It wasn't like she wouldn't eat anything that I made. She'd eat it with gusto, unless it had soap in it. It was just instinctively she knew. [audience chuckle] 

 

Two nights before my wedding, my future in-laws are coming into town. It's the night before the rehearsal dinner. My new sister-in-law explains to me that she's going to make this little dessert thing. They're like little fig things and they're covered with chocolate. And it hits me. This is my chance. My sister won't see it coming from my sister-in-law. Who would do that? Nobody would do that. My sister won't see it coming. My wife-to-be was like, "Do not do this." [audience laughter] Partially because we're a day and a half away from being married and partially because her family is already a little worried that my family is really weird and crazy, which is an idea that they've come up with through, what do you say, observation. 

 

And she goes, "You can't do this." "Honey, just let me do this. I promise it won't get weird. I promise it'll be fun. My sister will love it." And she goes, "Okay, here's the thing. When your sister figures it out before she even eats it, you need to promise me you never do this again. That's it." And I promise. And so, I help my sister-in-law and I make this little fake thing with chocolate over. And then, we have the dinner and then it's dessert time and some people are doing the dishes and my sister-in-law's putting them on this platter. 

 

My parents have this long porcelain platter and we put them one in a row. And the thought is, my sister-in-law will serve them first to my mom, then to my dad, then to my sister, then to my future mother-in-law. And by now, my sister-in-law, by the way, is getting cold feet. She's like, "I don't know that this-- I'm cool with this." I'm like, "No, it's going to be fine." [chuckles] And she's like, "Well, your sister will find it amusing." "No, she will cry. It's going to be great." [audience laughter]

 

So, I am putting them on the thing and I go, “One for my mom, one for my dad, one for my sister, one--" I am like, “No, my sister is going to know that the third one is soap. So, I am going to put the soap in the fourth one.” So, I put it down. And then, I am like, “Wait, hold on. My sister is going to know that I know that. [audience laughter] And so, my sister is going to go for the fourth.” So, I switch them back. And then I go, “No, because my sister is only several steps-- my sister is going to know that I know that she knows, she'll never suspect it in the third.” And so, I keep switching. I am like Wallace Shawn in The Princess Bride, [audience laughter] just back and forth between the third and the fourth.

 

And finally, it just hits me that, like, I'm going to lose again. This is my one opportunity to ever win against my sister and I am going to lose the way I always do. And then, I remember what she had told me at this point 12 years ago. And I thought, I'm overthinking. I'm just going to do instinct. I'm going to close my eyes and I'm going to open them and what would my sister do and I'm going to put it there. I close my eyes, open, I put it there. 

 

Dessert comes. My sister-in-law, my mom takes one, pops it in her mouth. Dad takes one, puts it in his mouth, hands it over to my sister. My sister's about to go for the third, and she stops, and then she goes to the fourth, and then she stops, and then she looks at me, [audience laughter] and then she gets this shit-eating grin on her face, and she slowly reaches all the way to the back, and then two down, [audience laughter] and picks it up and pops it in her mouth, and then lets out a scream because that is where I had put the soap with the chocolate. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

My sister screams, she gets up so fast that the chair falls back. I am laughing maniacally. She's now chasing me around the table. Finally, she grabs me by the shoulders and she takes me down like a steer and she's just pounding on my chest going, [imitates his sister] I am laughing and I see my in-laws, and they are horrified and my wife is so angry and I've got so much to make up for and I don't care, because for this one moment, I am the winner. Thank you.