Tomas Davila - What Was Nearly Unsaid

 

 

So, clearly, I was in the navy. [audience laughter] But one day, I'm on my ship and I'm floating around in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and I hear, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Now, for me, that means that it's lunchtime. So, I immediately drop everything that I'm doing, and I run to the galley as fast as I can, because today is pizza day. And anybody who's been in the navy can tell you that pizza day is the best day. 

 

So, I sit down, I take my first bite, and I'm sitting there. And all of a sudden, that's when it happens. “[unintelligible 00:03:19] Davila, chief wants to see you in his office right now.” Shit.  See, no one goes to see the chief unless you're in trouble or you're in big trouble. So, I get down there as fast as I can. Knock, knock, knock. Request permission in. He waves me in. I sit down. And I'm still trying to figure out, like, “What did I do wrong?” And he looks at me and he says, “We just received notification that your dad is in the hospital. He just had a massive heart attack and we've arranged travel for you to get off the ship as soon as possible.” The only thing that's going through my mind at that moment is just, “Not yet.” I can't lose my dad right now, because there's just too much that's left unsaid. Before you know it, I'm on a hilo, and then I'm on a plane and I'm heading back to Podunk, Texas. 

 

Now, it's been about four years since I've been back home. The entire flight, I'm just thinking about this tumultuous relationship between my dad and me. See, my dad is this really proud, Tex-Mex, like Vietnam veteran and self-proclaimed cowboy. I was not. My dad was this John Wayne with his dirty cowboy boots. And I'm clearly Alexis Carrington- [audience laughter] -and some fabulous stilettos. [audience applause] 

 

Luckily, I had some younger brothers to take the spotlight off me. But when the spotlight was on me, I took a lot of heat. 

 

So, when I was in middle school, I was a band geek. My dad would always come to our school events. But he would wear his big cowboy hat and these really dark aviator glasses. All of my friends would walk up and be like, “Bro, your dad looks like the Terminator.” [audience laughter] And I’d be like, “He is. He is the Terminator. You have no idea.” It makes me remember this time when I was in high school, when the friendship bracelets, those little colorful braided ones, they were like the big thing. And I had one that my best friend John gave me. 

 

Now, let me tell you about John. John was tall and skinny, had this dirty blonde hair and the perfect farmer's tan. Every time I got next to him, he had this perfect essence of Downey and Stetson Cologne. [audience laughter] It gave me tingles. But my dad saw this bracelet one day, and he just started interrogating me like, “What is that? Where did you get that? Who gave that to you?” And I was like, “Well, my friend, John, gave it to me.” And he says, like, “Son, you need to take that off.” Like, “You don't want people getting the wrong idea.” So, I did. But I would wear it at school. 

 

One day, I forgot to take it off, and I come home and he just flies off the handle. He gets so mad, “Didn't I tell you to take that off?” I start to take it off, and he's like, “No, throw it away.” And so, I just got mad. I was so pissed. But I did what my dad told me to do. So, I started to walk to the trash can, and the whole time, I just have to will myself to throw this away, because I can feel his eyes just digging into me. It's the only thing John's ever given me and I just throw it in the trash. I'm trying to hold back the tears, and so I just put my head down and I go to my room. But as I'm walking away, I mutter to myself, “I hate you.” 

 

So, when I graduated high school, I got the hell out of there as fast as I could, and I was like, “See y'all later.” I joined the navy. So, now here I am, going back home after I've been away for so long, and I don't even know if I'm going to get an opportunity to see him again. But by the time I got there, his heart surgery was already over. In fact, he was already back to his old self. He's trying to get up, do things he's not supposed to do. He's fighting with everybody. He's like, “I can do it.” And in that respect, I'm very much my father's son. But I had to tell him, I needed to explain to my dad that the most important thing about me that made me me was that I'm gay. 

 

Well, like every gay little boy does, they go tell their mom first. [audience laughter] So, I sit her down. I tell her. And my mom's like, “No, you're not.” And she's like, [foreign language] I'm like, “No, mom.” After some banter, I was like, “I know what I'm talking about. I'm gay.” She gets really quiet. She looks at me, and she's like, “You cannot tell your father. You will kill him.” I'm like, “Okay, mom. You're being a bit dramatic.” But then it just dawns on me that what if he gets sick again and I don't have another opportunity? So, I decide I'm going to tell him anyways. I find this moment when my dad and I are alone and I just like, “Dad, I have something I need to tell you.” He's exhausted, and he's clearly in pain and he's just staring at me. My hands start getting super sweaty, and I'm fidgeting and I'm getting very upset. I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I'm thinking to myself, “I can't do this.” Clearly, this is not the time. So, I just say, “I love you.” I went and packed my bags, and I just went back to my own life. 

 

Now, fast forward several years, by now, I'm still in the Navy. And now I got promoted. Now I'm the chief. I decided I was going to go back to school. I'm the first one in my family to ever go to college and – [audience cheers and applause] Thank you. I got married to my beautiful husband, Zachary - [audience cheers and applause] - aka the roommate. [audience laughter]

 

We started a beautiful home in southern California with our two little pug dogs. Throughout that entire time, my dad and I would just have these sporadic conversations over the phone where we only talked about the weather and gardening, where it was just awkward silence. Frankly, you could have counted all the days that I had gone home throughout my military career on two hands. But when I finished my bachelor's degree, I wanted all my family there. My mom, my dad and my husband. So, I had to tell him. So, the night before my graduation ceremony, I sat everybody down, and I brought gifts because that's the way you break the ice. [audience laughter] And I told them, “Mom, dad, I have something to tell you.” And I was like, “Zach is not my roommate. He’s my husband. He's the person that I chose. And all I'm asking is that you accept that.” At that moment, my dad just stands up and he just stares at me. There's those eyes. And it immediately just hits me, “You just told the Terminator that his son is gay.” [audience laughter]

 

So, he starts walking toward me, and I freeze. And then, he just turns and he grabs Zachary, and he says, “Welcome to the family.” And I'm still like, “What is going on? [audience applause] He comes and he grabs me, and he just gives me this big hug, and he just says, “Son, I've been waiting for you.” I just started crying. We stayed up the rest of the night talking. I shared more with my dad than I ever had in my entire life, and I told him, I always thought I was a disappointment to you because I wasn't the son that you expected. I also divulged to him that I kept this awkward distance relationship with you, because I was too scared that if I came out to you you would never speak to me again. 

 

My dad just shook his head and he pulled something out of his wallet. I look, and it's a baby picture of me and he's like, “Son, you have always been my firstborn. I've always loved you, and I'm just so proud of you.” Well, after that, my dad and I talked every weekend. We talked more than about the weather and the gardening. And he would ask, “How are his grand pugs?” And we would laugh. But one time, he gave me some relationship advice. He's like, “Tom, treat Zack like I do your mama. Just buy him everything.” [audience laughter and applause]

 

So, a little while later, when I retired from the navy, he was there. Zach and I surprised all of our guests, including my parents, when we announced, “Tonight, we're going to have a wedding.” See, Zach and I had to hide our relationship for many years because of don't ask, don't tell and [unintelligible 00:12:14] We eloped without telling anybody, because we had already watched the repeal go through once. We didn't know if we were going to have this opportunity again. So, tonight, only seemed like the best night to do this with all of our friends and family. Well, some of my friends and guests were shocked. My mom was pissed, but I think she was just more mad at the fact that she wasn't dressed for a wedding. [audience laughter] But my dad, my dad had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen him have. He just had it the entire night, and we danced well into the morning. I just felt, frankly, I know I'm the luckiest guy in the world, because that was the last time I ever saw my dad. A year later, my dad was one of the first to pass away from COVID. Because of the travel restrictions, I couldn't get from California to Texas easily. So, I had to say my last few words to him over the telephone. It was hard, but it was okay. But all I had to say was, I love you and goodbye, because I had already had the opportunity to tell him everything else I needed to tell him. Thank you.