Camille Qurban - Twinkletoes

 

Hello, I'm Fairy Twinkletoes. At least, I was. I worked at the Fairies Wishing Wand on Unley Road for four years. So, I've been to about 400 children's birthday parties. [audience laughter] The Fairies Wishing Wand was the name of the shop, and it was run by a woman called Pauline. She used to smoke like a train during the parties, but then burn marshmallow incense to cover up all the tobacco stench. [audience laughter] I did all the parties either at the shop or went out to their kid's house. And if you did it at the shop, then you had to do it in the enchanted forest. It wasn't that impressive really. 

 

There was like a big bunch of fallen gum tree leaves in the corner that Pauline had spray painted gold. [audience laughter] That was the enchanted tree. It had some fairy lights in it, but most of them were blown out. [audience laughter] I met Fairy Lavender. She trained me up. Fairy Lavender wore like a skin tight purple leotard, a big purple frou skirt, like this purple head garland thing and big wings and size nine silver jiffies. [audience laughter] I was horrified when I saw it was tizzied and bowed and belled, and I got given the exact same uniform but in pink. 

 

I was on my way to the first party and I was in Fairy Lavender's car. She was fanging a Holden Barina up the freeway, giving me tips. She was chugging down the last of her up and go, telling me what to do and what not to do and everything. “Whatever you do, just don't give them your wand,” she said, “because they'll hit you with it.” [audience laughter] I looked down at the wand and it was just this spray-painted, jewel-encrusted hunk of MDMF. I was really scared. But she said, “Chill, just follow my lead.” So, I did. Before too long, Twinkletoes was in demand. 

 

I was really good with kids. I'd babysat for years. I babysat Chelsea Lambert that lived down the road from mum and dad's house. She used to run down the street without telling her dad she was coming, always under the guise of wanting her hair done. She'd have a brush and a handful of bubbles and whatever, and she'd push through the door and say, “I need plaits. Dad can't do them.” [audience laughter] I always obliged, because Chelsea was gorgeous. She was boisterous and bubbly. 

 

She came bounding in one day when I was running off to work, “Mum said, ‘No, Chelsea, I'll do your hair today, because Camille's got to go to work at Subway.’” When I rocked up to the fairy party that morning, I heard the normal cheer and chatter in the lawn. I walked in to the lounge room and the mum called out that the fairy was here, and I saw them all come running in off the lawn. And coming up the rear was Chelsea with eight plaits flapping. [audience laughter] She stopped dead in the doorway. Her lips were pursed and her forehead was just wrinkled with confusion as she stared at me. I was horrified. I didn't know what to do. 

 

I couldn't break the fourth wall man, but [audience laughter] I didn't know how I could get through it. I just decided I was going to have to give the most convincing fairy performance of my life. I don't know, like Academy Award fairing. She sat down with the little girls in the circle-- When I sang the songs at party, I sang like an angel [audience laughter] and I'm tone deaf. [audience laughter] When I told her the stories, I put on all the voices. When I painted their faces, I put in extra detail, I covered them in glitter, I gave out all the marshmallows. I wanted to convince her. And by the end of the party, she was smiling and laughing and lapping it all up. And I was like, “I've got these kids eating fairy bread out the palm of my hand.” [audience laughter] 

 

I hugged them all and gave them little hugs at the end and said goodbye and everything. She muscled in and she gave me a hug. She put her arms around my neck, and then when they were little sticky marshmallow mouth, she whispered in my ear, “Bye, Camille.” When she pulled back from the hug, she eyeballed me. She had a bit of a crooked smile and a twinkle in one eye. I just blushed. And then, she turned her little plaited head and headed outside and straight to the swing set. 

 

She came round a couple of days later and she said to me, “That was you at that party, Camille, wasn't it?” Sometimes believing in something for the sake of other people can be really magical. So, I looked at Chelsea and I said, “No, that was Fairy Twinkletoes.” Chelsea is now 22, and I still can't admit that I'm Fairy Twinkletoes. [audience laughter] you.