Nathan Englander - Thumbs Up!

 

So, it's the middle 1990s and a peace treaty gets signed between Israel and Jordan. If you're already wondering what that has to do with a Jewish boy from Long Island, I've been spending an enormous amount of time in Israel and it really feels like a second home at this point and I've completely coopted their culture. And yes, everyone's excited about peace, but there's a second part which is Jordan contains the ancient Nabataean city of Petra. This is a huge part of Israeli culture, and there are legends and there are dreams. Everyone just wants to see that ancient red rock, they want to see that desert city. 

 

I mean, there are folk songs about it. There's just endless things connected to it. My favorite part is every few years, a couple of kids will literally sneak across the border, crawl through a minefield, make their way to the desert just to see that city, and then be caught by Jordanian authorities and return as hailed as idiotic heroes that everybody just dreams of doing the same thing. Well, now you can cross the border. One can go and see Petra. That is a pretty exciting dream for me. 

 

The other thing is, at this point in time, I am a super serious photographer and you're all invited over after see my slideshow. I'm doing studio work. I'm all dead serious. But I'm also traveling and I've got my pyramids and my Acropolis and my Eiffel Tower and my London Bridge. And man, do I want Petra? Through my viewfinder, I want those pictures so bad. 

 

The complicating and mitigating factor, is that I am cowardly. We call my mother the danger police. I'm terrified of everything. I don't want to cross that border. What if something happens? What if the peace goes bad? Do we need to be the first Jews rushing over being all loud in Amman? [audience laughter] It's really not what I'm going to do. And that's when my friend Mike calls. Mike and I, we really get along perfectly, because if we were even 10 years younger, Mike would be so medicated into submission. He'd literally like a Ritalin drip. He would just be like comatose and quiet and really well behaved. 

 

But what he is brilliant and energetic and a ton of fun and really convincing with me. And he's like, “I know it's your dream. It's my dream.” Like, “Let's do it. We can get there, let's get tickets.” So, we're like, “I'm on it.” So, I grab one pair of skivvies, toothbrush, floss, gum, care, but anyway. [audience laughter] But I also take my 90-pound bag of camera equipment. I got my FM2 and my pistol grip and my fisheye lens and my telephoto. And also, youngins, there's something, what's inside a camera at that point, what's inside an FM2? Nothing. There's a mirror that flips up and then there's film. You put film in the back. So, I've got X ray bags, because I'm again an artist and I don't want the flight to alter my images. Anyway. 

 

But I've got my high speed and my grainy and I've got £10 million of film. We get on that plane and change about 96 more times and we hit Jerusalem and we make camp and then we get on a whole bus full of Jews and we cross the Allenby Bridge and the Jordan River. It is not only biblical. It's like modern moving. There is peace. That is a great and exciting thing. I'm having a great time with Mike and Amman in Jerash. He's the kind of guy like he behaves himself but it's always like he gets me there. But then I'm like, “Why are you touching that? Why are you over there?” [audience laughter] 

 

Do you see anyone else on the other side of that red velvet rope? Then you probably should back here. You know what I'm saying? We're doing fine and we get into the desert and we get to Petra and Petra is not there. What is there are two giant stone cliffs, like two mighty cliffs with a crack in between. There is a small path and you are just transported through time. You just think what it must be to cross through the desert, to not know if you're going to live and die where you're going to get water. And to enter this crack between these two mighty cliffs and walk and walk and then it opens up and there is this stunning city. 

 

If I haven't made it clear, it is not built, Petra, it is not constructed. It is carved in the reverse Mount Rushmore style, like from the tip of your nose on back in the mountains. This is not with digital imaging, you'd faint at the beauty of it. But this notion that they did in like 300 BC, I just cannot get over. It is more stunning than I imagined. I'm taking my pictures and there are the pillars and the treasury and the statuary and the temples. But what I care about, what I'm most obsessed with is the geometry. There are these triangles. I mean, perfect triangles, ornate, cut in the reverse and those are the main pictures. That is what I'm getting at the end. I've found my subject and I get my photos and it is honestly a dream come true. 

 

Mike has broken nothing. [audience laughter] We're on our way back to the bus. It's the desert. Someone has parked a donkey next to the bus, same lot. You know what I'm saying? And then, Mike needs his silly photo, that's me. Art photo, silly photo, art photo. I got my triangle and here's Mike and he's doing an especially silly pose. I know this is a great moment for him. I zoom in and I focus. And for a New Yorker, this is a different wonder of the world. But at first, I'm like, “Oh, it's a silly pose with a five-legged donkey.” And then, I understand. I was like, “That's not a leg.” [audience laughter] This donkey is super excited to see us. It is a fully erect donkey. For my triangles, this is Mike's moment. [audience laughter] You know what I'm saying? 

 

So, I get the photo for him. Nobody's hurt. Donkey's not touched. No bestiality. We're good. We get on the bus. We drive back across that bridge back into Israel. It really feels like coming home for me. We've had this great trip. And again, back to feeling Jewish in a Muslim country and feeling like this Israel, Jordan thing. We are so high on cross cultural understanding and the emotion of it and the religious love. We're like, “Let's go get our Christianity on.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, we head straight for the old city and we head straight for the Church of the Holy Sepulchre. I'll give you a little tour. But before you go, in the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, to the left, there's a guy sitting on the chair. This guy is a Muslim guy and he has a key. Why does he have a key? Because his father had the key, and his father's father's and father's, father's father's, father. It goes back forever. He has the key, because you understand the region. Nobody gets along. Everyone gets like, “What's the problem?” You're like, “The problem with peace is Jews don't get along with Jews. Muslims don’t get along Muslims and the Christians don't get along with Christians.” 

 

There are maybe six factions that share the church. And the Franciscans don't get along with the Latin Patriarch and the Greek Orthodox don't get along with the Ethiopian church. And for that reason, this guy sits there, he unlocks the church for the Christians every day. And that key is 500 years old. It's 500 years old, because the 800-year-old key broke. [audience laughter] That's how long his family's been sitting there. And then, over the door, there's a ladder because someone was going to fix it something or move something or clean an office or get up there. But then, again, the fight breaks out. You can't go up it, but I can come down it. That immovable ladder has been sitting there for 300 years. That's the church I want to go in. 

 

But of course, Mike, he's wild and crazed and energetic. He's also super charming. He's with a whole bunch of priests, right by the door. They're all smiling and laughing. We need a Mike photo before we go in there. He gets them all around him. Everyone's crowded around, smiling, Mike in the middle and he gives the old Fonzie thumbs up, a big happy, hey, thumbs up. You know, everybody's smiling. I get the photo. We step out of Jerusalem's son into the darkness and the dust mites and all this guilt, but ancient beauty. It's extraordinary. There is like a six-foot marble slab. This is where they washed Christ's body before in the same place he was entombed and from where Christ rose. You know what I'm saying?

 

I am standing at this marble slab where his body washed. And for me, who likes to live through a camera lens, I put my camera down and everybody else is filming. We're filled with tourists. But I am having a quiet, transcendent moment. It is big for me. And that's when I get hit in the back of the head. I get hit again, and I'm getting grabbed and I'm getting beaten around the head and neck. You know what I'm saying? I look over and it is ancient priest who is beating me with a whole bunch of backup priests. I don't know what's going to go on, if it's going to be a pile on, but he's getting first rounds. 

 

In my little exploration of different religions, I have to say one huge point for Christianity, like literally how many rabbis over time wanted to give me a good zets and beat some sense into me. It is a first beating delivered by a priest. So, good for you, Church. [audience laughter] Anyway, but I'm being dragged outside. All those video cameras now, they got action. More than a marble slab, everyone's filming me. I look over. Mike's being dragged out, but I'm getting like the brunt of it. I can't figure out what's going on. 

 

The first thing that I figure out is the reason he gets to give the beating is this old priest, is he's not just in charge of these priests, he's in charge of all the priests. He's in charge of the church. He's in charge of all the Christians of Palestine and Israel. This is basically the Pope of Jerusalem. This is the most holy man in town and he's furious at me. I've got that part down. [audience laughter] And then, I suss out the second bit which is relevant, which is we've had a little cultural misunderstanding. 

 

You see, Mike's thumbs up where this guy's from, that is literally raising the middle finger. You know what I'm saying? So, basically, we thought, hey, thumbs up for Jesus. And what he's done is given a middle finger to all that is holy and good and Jesus like in the most holy place on earth. So, I'm trying to get things better, because again, I am now terrified. I mean, this is the guy who can pick up and call the Prime Minister of Israel. He can call my president. Like, for those of you who don't know current events or have never heard of history at all, things in Jerusalem blow up so easy. [audience laughter] You know what I'm This can go big in bed. 

 

By the way, back to nightly news. I'm like, “Mike, we're not going to be on local night. We're going to be global, possibly and they've got about 17 camera angles. They can make a nice reel of us being beaten and dragged out.” Everyone is following, the tourists are coming to film this. Anyway, I'm just saying, like, “Fonzie, hey, hitch a ride. Happy times.” I'm trying to explain this thumb thing, but it will not go away. I am terrified. Mike's trying to keep me calm. That's always his job. And then, it gets bigger. And then, I understand. He's not just mad at me, this guy's mad at my camera. It's not just the motion. I took a picture of it. 

 

So, easy as pie. They're like, “Give us the film.” There's one problem. I'm a coward on every front. But when it comes to the arts, I'll do anything. Those are my Petra photos. You know what I'm saying? You can't have them. I won't give up the photos. I don't think I've ever seen Mike look scared, but he's like, “Just give them.” But I'm not giving the picture. This is maybe the only point me and the very angry priests agree on, because I'm like, “I am not leaving here without that film.” And they're like, “No, you're literally not leaving here without that film.” 

 

Like, we are surrounded. We are put up against the wall and sat down. And it is getting angrier and more upsetting and there is no understanding happening between us at all. Somebody sends for a Jewish policeman to get over here. He listens and he's listening and I'm not giving up the film and they're not letting us go. It is actually an incident is taking place, which is my worst nightmare. And then, the cop, he's done his cop training. He's like, “We have evidence. Why not just give me the film? We’ll develop that. Well, let's look at the photo in question.” 

 

So, he sends off. It's back to the film time. The world of film at the time, where everyone has film, about every eight feet is a photo mat. So, even in the old city in Jerusalem, you can buy your worry beads and your sheep gloves and all that, but there's got photomats. So, they bring back the Muslim photomat guy, and he's like, “I'm on the case.” So, I was like, “I trust this guy. He looks like a good man.” I roll up my film and I was like, “Fine, let's do this. Let's judge. Let's see.” Because you know what? I'm sitting there and I'm surrounded and I'm terrified, but the tiniest trickle of confidence is starting to come in.

 

I'm looking at that ladder and I'm thinking, we're in trouble after two minutes here. But you guys have been here for 2,000 years not getting along. Like, what happened to my theology? This is the complete Christian theology by me. Turn the other cheek. That's the only thing I know. [audience laughter] But I'm like, “What about turn the other cheek? What about believing we are good people?” He's a good guy.” Like, “Can't you see?” Like, “Why not give the benefit of the doubt? That would not only help this church and this city and this region, it would help everybody in the world?” You know what I'm saying? 

 

I'm getting all positive and feeling almost righteous. And then, the donkey. Oh, the donkey. [audience laughter] The photo before that photo. Well, we all know what that is. And I'm thinking, we are bad boys. We are very, very bad and we deserve what we're getting. I hope under the church is a church prison for us, because we should really do our time. 

 

So, now I'm in a terror. Forget one hour photo. I mean, this guy's rushing, but it is 10 lifetimes for me dying there, waiting, terrified. God bless photomat guy. That's why I'm here tonight to tell you. God bless photomat guy. He could have done whatever he wanted. He's seen them all. He brings back an envelope of negatives and he has made one single print. He has printed the photo in question. He gives this to Pope of Jerusalem priest, and he studies it with his other priests studying behind him and they look at us, and he's studying this picture. 

 

And you know what? Also, God bless that guy, because you know what that motion is one motion to him. He doesn't have to see another motion. He doesn't have to hear any sense and he doesn't have to believe that we have any goodwill at all. But he looks at that photo and he sees his smiling priests and he sees a smiling Mike, and again, don't know much of theology, but he forgives us, we're absolved. He pockets the photo. I get back my precious negatives and like that, like a cloud of black robes, the priests move off into the dark [audience laughter] and we're free to go. 

 

That moment is so big to me. I think about it, like with our Muslim photomat guy, God bless him again, and our Jewish policeman and a whole bunch of Christian priests, we carved out a little corner of peace in Jerusalem and status quo was restored. [audience laughter] Thank you so much.