Robinah Babirye - This is Just the Beginning

 

 

Hi. Well, it's my first time in the US ever, and I'm excited. [chuckles] [audience cheers and applause] 

 

When I was about 11, my mom sat me down with my twin sister and she told us that we are HIV positive. So, I went ahead and asked her, "How did we get it? I mean, how did you get it?" So, she said, "I got it through blood transfusion and that is how I gave birth to you with it." And then, I asked her, "Are we going to die?" So, she looks at me and tells me, "No, you will not die. You live long, just like me, your mother."

 

As much as I was consoled, I did not really believe that that would happen, because in Uganda, Kampala, the city, but also in my community, to be particular, when people find out that you're HIV positive, the first thing they always see is death, worthlessness, hopelessness, someone who cannot survive. So, I looked at everybody and my neighborhood, mothers were refusing their kids to play with us. They would always tell them, "Come, come, don't relate with those girls. They are HIV positive." I don't know how they got to know, but you know how rumors can spread. 

 

So, I go to school and I give my nurse this medicine to really support me and remind me always to take my medication. And she would always go about and say, "Hey, come and take your medicine. You know, it's always time for your medication." So, I look at my friends. And because I made this pact with myself that I would never tell anyone, because if they found out, first of all, they would look at me and be like, "How are we seated in this room with this kind of person?" 

 

Two, they would always look at you as a contagious being. So, I would always just brush it off and be like, "I don't know why she always says it's medicine. It's just vitamins. I mean, you know, for healthy lifestyle." [audience chuckle] I'm like, "Okay." So, I'm in my high school, I'm 19 and I'm done with my high school. So, I meet this guy. He's not so cute, but he's okay. [audience laughter] You know, he loves reading, he listens to music quite a lot, which I really like. So, I'm attracted to him and we fall in love.

 

But as we are in the process of falling in love, I cannot tell him because if I did and he gets to know that I'm HIV positive, the first thing that will always come to his mind is she has been sleeping around. So, I don't really tell him, but I love him and we are going more than this. I choose to tell him, because I feel that is the right thing to do. Feeling so responsible enough, I sit him down in his one-roomed house on his bed and I tell him, "I need to tell you something." So, he looks at me with this curiosity and he says, "What is it?" So, I go and say, "I was born with HIV." I mean, just that.

 

So, he takes this deep sigh and he's like, [sighs] He takes another one. He looks at me. And in my mind, whatever is going on, my heart is beating right that time and my heart is racing, so I'm trying to imagine so many things. "Okay, he's going to tell me, I've lost trust in you. I never knew that you had this promiscuous. I never knew that you wanted to kill me." And then, he says, "Babe, everything is going to be okay." Oh, the relief. And that makes me love him even more. I mean, who am I? 

 

So, this one time I'm seated on the bed and I'm trying to listen to this music and then I get this text from an unknown number. And it goes, "If you do not disclose your HIV status, I am going to disclose for you.” Okay. I look at this text and I'm wondering whether it has come to the right person. But at the same time, I'm like, "Okay, so I'm HIV positive, so who is this person saying this?" I quickly puzzled a bit. I send it, I mean, I show it to my boyfriend and he just says, "Don't worry, this is just something small." I'm like, "Okay." But of course, you're a bit puzzled. You're trying to figure out things here and there. 

 

And then, two days later, another text comes in and it says, "This is just the beginning. You are yet to see more." So, while I'm at it, you know, my boyfriend is also trying to say, "Let us track the number and get to see who this person is--" So, my sister comes and she persuades me to come to a conference that was out of the country. And this conference, it brings together so many people infected with HIV, people working in the field of HIV and they are really, really passionate and committed to what they are doing. 

 

So, I'm like, “But you guys are from Australia, you guys are from Mexico, others are from other parts of Africa, and you guys are so bold. They are really out. They're talking about this like it is a piece of cake.” I'm looking at them and I'm like, “Okay, well, that is, you know, good for you. But I am not ready, because how do you say in Uganda, in my community, that, hey, I am living with HIV and I am so proud to say it?”

 

I mean, they're going to see me as a murderer, they're going to see you as a prostitute, they're going to see me as a dead person. Above all, they're going to see you as someone who is worthless. It doesn't matter whether you have your masters or PhD. You have HIV. That is the worst thing that can ever happen to you. So, we come back and reality hits me again that, okay, I was being blackmailed and it is still going on. So, what were texts become phone calls. These phone calls are masked in a voice. I was really hopeful that maybe I would find out whether it is a male or female or an older person. But no, you don't know who this person is. I don't know. My mind is now thinking, what should I do?

 

And then, I get this post on Facebook where I'm tagged with my picture and a very big caption that said, "This girl infected me with HIV. Beware of her." So, things are now rushing in my mind. I am blank. I don't even know what to do. I mean, my boyfriend talked about tracking the number, but I cannot even think straight. And later, this very person calls me and says, "You have refused to do what I want you to do, so I'm going to involve your family." I'm like, "What? Now, this is too much. I mean, I have dealt with this when I was a child. I have tried to be as humble. And now, you want to involve my parents, my family?" 

 

So, I'm so mad at that time. At the same time, I'm so scared. I don't know whether this person has contacted them already. And then, I just call my sister and she comes right away and I tell her, “You know what? I think I'm done with all this. I think I'm tired. I'm tired of everything. This is weighing down on me.” So, I get this bag and pull out this T-shirt. It was a black, nice cotton T-shirt, and it had very nice big words in pink that said HIV positive. So, I tell her, "You're going to take a picture of me in this T-shirt." She looks at me. She's like, "Are you serious?” Like, “Are you really, really serious?" And I'm like, "Yes, you're just going to take that picture." 

 

So, she looks at me, she's so puzzled. I give her the phone and I put this T-shirt on. But what is running in my mind is I am done with all this. By the same time, am I really ready to do this? So, the mixed emotions are coming in and I'm looking at this T-shirt and I'm telling her, "Take the picture." She looks at me and I'm like, "Take the picture." So, I hold that T-shirt and I tell her, "Do it." So, she takes the picture. And right that instant, I pull the phone from her hands and then just upload it on my Facebook. But of course, I'm still wondering, what the hell am I doing right now? [audience chuckle] 

 

So I get this text, this phone, and send this person, whoever it was, a text and say, "You want to disclose my HIV status? Let me disclose it for you." And looking back at the conversations, the text messages that I was receiving, and I realized, oh, wait, the asterisks at the end of every text, the abbreviations that were coming in each text, this person always knew where I was going, what time, what I was putting on, whether it was a red top and blue jeans, which kind of car I was moving in, whether it was a motorcycle or a taxi. And I'm like, “Wait, these things are similar to my boyfriend. I mean, I've been with my boyfriend everywhere I go, and this blackmailer knows everywhere I go.” And then I realized, wait, I was so blinded and it was right in front of me that the person I really trusted with my secret, with my heart, was behind the blackmail. But then, I get a phone call.

 

You know, just thinking about all that, I get a phone call from my sister, and she tells me, "Check your Facebook." So, I'm like, “Okay.” Now, my heart is racing again. The second time I'm like, "Now, what is not happening right now?" So, I open my Facebook post and look at these comments. I mean, some of them were like, "Wow, this is courageous." "Wow, you know, you're a strong woman." Others are telling me you're brave. And then, there was this particular comment that I get from the post, and it said, "I wish we had more people like you." My God. 

 

I mean, it was mind blowing that what I had anticipated as negativity had already turned to positivity. I felt alive that time. And you know what? I did not confront my boyfriend. It wasn't worth it. So, I just packed my bags. I mean, I was already done with my high school. I was a few weeks to university, packed my bags, went to university. I was going to a new environment. I was going to make new friends. But above all, I was starting a brand new me. Thank you.