Mike Birbiglia - The YMCA Pool

 

Thank you, guys, so much. This is a really special thing. I'm really honored to be a part of. It’s an ominous thing to tell a story in a graveyard. I've never done it before. It's particularly timely for me, because yesterday, I turned 41 years old. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Yeah, I celebrated with my wife, Jenny, and my daughter, Una, who's four. But it's gotten me thinking a lot about mortality, because my dad had a heart attack at 60, and his dad had a heart attack at 60. And so, I'm just setting aside that whole year, and I'm getting an Airbnb by the hospital [audience laughter] and I'm keeping a flexible schedule. [audience laughter] It's not just that. I actually have a lot of medical issues. I have a dangerous sleepwalking disorder. I had a bladder tumor when I was 19.

 

And two years ago, I went for my annual checkup. My doctor took blood and he called me and he said, “You have Lyme disease.” And I was like, “And?” [audience laughter] “Diabetes” And I was like, “One at a time. Everybody is going to get a chance.” [audience laughter] But it was truly shocking. 39 years old, diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. He said, “Is there anything in your diet that might be spiking your blood sugar?” I said, “Sometimes I eat pizza until I am unconscious.” [audience laughter] He said, “I think that might be it.” 

 

I have terrible habits. I travel for my job. I never drink the tiny liquor bottles in the mini fridge, but I am triple digits on glass jars of peanut M&Ms. If you suck on a peanut M&M long enough, it is just a peanut. [audience laughter] And if you suck on that peanut long enough, you can taste pure shame. [audience laughter] But at a certain point, the shame pivots into pride and you start to think, actually, this is pretty healthy. [audience laughter] I have been meaning to eat more nuts. And then, you start eating a couple hundred and you get a sugar high and you think, I should run a marathon, and then you don’t and then you end up with type 2 diabetes. [audience laughter] That’s unfortunate.

 

My doctor wanted to put me on medication. I really did not want to do that. I said, “Let me give it a shot. I am going to try to change my diet drastically.” He said, “You have to cut red meat and sugar and fries.” And as he is continuing, I am just thinking about sugar fries, [audience laughter] which is not even a thing, but I was singing a song about it and everything. [audience laughter] So, I give it a shot for a few months and I lose a few pounds. I go back in and my numbers are lower. But he has me take a pulmonary test, which is this thing where you are essentially simulating blowing out a candle, but it is a little ball. And he goes, “Do it.” And I go, “I just did.” [audience laughter] And he goes, “Oh, wow. I guess do it again.” And I go, “I just did.” And he goes, “Well, if I were going by just this, I would say you are having a heart attack right now.” And I said, “Well, am I? Because if I were having a heart attack, I would ask you.” [audience laughter] I was not having a heart attack. I want to make that clear.

 

But he was worried. He sent me to the cardiologist. They both agreed that I should be doing cardio five days a week. As a matter of fact, they both suggested that I start swimming at the YMCA. This was a sore subject for me. I spent a lot of my childhood at the YMCA in Worcester, Massachusetts. I went to the nursery school. I spent hundreds of hours with the half-blown-up basketballs and the rowing machine that’s also a fan, [audience laughter] and the vending machine room that has a coffee maker that also makes soup. [audience laughter] 

 

So, two years ago I walked to my Brooklyn YMCA. I don’t need directions. You just follow the chlorine smell. [audience laughter] They are not shy about their use of chlorine in the [chuckles] YMCA pool. I go up to the front desk and I had made an arrangement for a lesson with a woman named Vanessa. And she said, “Where is your swim cap?” And I go, “Oh, I don’t wear a swim cap.” And she said, “Well, it is mandatory, unless you are completely bald.” And I said, “I don’t like how you leaned on the word completely. [audience laughter] I am not actually bald at all. I have four distinct tufts of hair that form this Voltron that is my hair.” 

 

She said, “You can borrow my extra.” And so, I put on Vanessa’s swim cap and I look like a condom. [audience laughter] We walk into the pool area, which is basically pure chlorine. And she says, “Hop into the instructional lane.” Now, the instructional lane is also the walkers and joggers lane. And so, she asked me to do the crawl to show her what I got. I try. but these aggressive elderly walkers are just blowing past me. One of them drops an elbow on my head. I am like, “Vanessa, is it always this crowded?” And she goes, “No, it is because it is the spring and everyone is getting ready for the summer.” And I go, “Oh, they want a body like this,” which was a joke. It is not a great joke. It is not stage-worthy, but it is the conversational, witty repartee you might have to forge a bond with a swimming instructor. [audience chuckle] 

 

She did not hear it. [audience laughter] And she just goes, [screams] “What?” And I go, “They want a body.” I go, [screams] “They want a body like this.” [audience laughter] And everybody in the pool looks over, all the elderly walkers and toddlers and the lifeguard, and they are like, “Has this guy seen his own body?” There are mirrors everywhere at the YMCA. [audience laughter] And for the people only listening to this and not seeing me, I do not have a swimmer’s body. I have, what I call, a drowner’s body, [audience laughter] where it seems like I am drowning at all times, even when I am not in water. [audience laughter] 

 

And so, after about a half hour of this, I get out of the pool and I dry myself off with 15 or 20 of those YMCA dish rag towels. [audience laughter] I even put two on my feet, because Vanessa explains that there is fungus in the puddles. And I was like, “This place is a death trap. [audience laughter] I have to get out of here.” But she says something significant to me. She says, “You know, you can take the lessons, but really, you are going to have to come back on your own and practice.” And so, that’s what I did. For the next two years, I went swimming at the YMCA. I also did Pilates, [chuckles] and I did yoga. I even did, believe it or not, kickboxing. 

 

About a month ago, I went to my doctor, and he took blood, and he called me and he said, “You reversed the diabetes.” [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Thanks. I was quite shocked by this. I am thinking to myself like, what was it? Was it the diet or the exercise? And so, the next time I saw my doctor, I said to him, I go, “What do you think it was that reversed the thing?” He said this really simple phrase that stuck with me. He said, “You chose to live.” And I think that’s true. I think I really did. I think I chose to live. I think I really want to see my daughter grow up, and go to high school and maybe college. And in 19 years from now, she will be 23 and she will be out of school and maybe out of the house and I will be 60 years old. Like my father and his father, I will have a heart attack. [audience laughter] But there will be a difference, because I will be checking in to my Airbnb. [audience laughter] And if I have any say in it, I will choose to live.