Catherine Palmer - The Solo

 

I literally blundered my way through my childhood. Some of these blunders were related to being in the wrong place or doing things at the wrong time. And many of them were related to just misinterpreting situations that were right in front of me. I was the kid the first day of middle school, who actually got off the bus at the wrong school. [audience laughter] The problem with that is everybody remembers that, and then you're the kid that got off at the wrong school. 

 

But I had one thing going for me growing up. My family moved every two years. So, no matter how miserable I was, it was generally only a matter of months until we moved and I had a clean slate. So, moving often is a gift to a blundering child. But as I grew up, my blunders were less frequent, but more epic. [audience laughter] So, in college, I did a summer internship up at Tufts University with about 20 other college kids. About a week into it, we found out one of the kids had a birthday the next day. I took over, I planned the party, I got a cake, because I was going to establish myself as the party planner and not the blunderer. 

 

Everything went really well the next day until the birthday boy showed up. And we had wanted to surprise him, and I think it's safe to say we did. Because when he saw the cake, he went running from the room. When I blunder, I'm committed. So, I actually ran after him with cake in hand, [audience chuckles] and he locked himself in a dorm room not to come out until the next morning, at which point we found out he was a Jehovah Witness. [audience laughter] Now, if that connection doesn't work for you, it turns out that Jehovah Witnesses don't celebrate their own birthdays, they only celebrate the birth of Jesus. And celebrating your own birthday is a sacrilege. So, this was my first blasphemous blunder. [audience laughter] 

 

Once I had kids, I realized more than anything, I really just didn't want them be blunderers. I didn't know if this could be genetic, but I felt it could be contained. [audience chuckles] And so, I considered myself the guardian for my kids going to school of preventing blunders by thinking about my blunders, making my kids practice, so they wouldn't have the same problems, [audience chuckles] keeping tabs on what they were asked to do. One of my theories of childhood blunderings, and I have several, is that kids are asked to do things they're socially not ready to do. So, it's like the smart third grader that gets put in fifth grade math, it seems like a great academic decision, except for the kid goes to the wrong room, sits the wrong seat, because they're not socially ready to navigate that fifth grade world. 

 

This went well for me until my older boy, Eric, was in second grade, and unbeknownst to me, someone found out he played violin. And in grade school, you're not meant to be in the orchestra until third grade, but they found out he could play and invited him. This is just exactly what I had wanted to avoid, but it was too late, because he was thrilled to have been included. So, as the holiday concert came up, I had the sinking feeling. I knew there was going to be a monumental blunder. When we got there, I was watchful, ready to jump in to head off something that's going to hurt my kid. 

 

The concert started without incident, though. I started to relax. We got to the last song, and the director said, “We're going to-- The whole group will play Silent Night, then there'll be a soloist, and then the whole group will play Silent Night again.” And the whole group played Silent Night. And then, my worst fear came true. All the kids sat down, except for Eric. This is exactly what happens to young kids. They don't listen. They don't know what they're meant to be. And for all I knew, he didn't know what soloist meant. But I realized it wasn't too late. I could fix this. He did not have to be the kid that stood up during someone else's solo for the rest of his life. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I stared at him, and I willed him to sit down, and I just gently moved my hand. But it turns out I'm not a Jedi Knight, and it didn't work. [audience chuckles] So, I said, “Sit down,” moving my hands a little bit more. Nothing. So, I realized maybe he couldn't see me, because I was sitting. So, I stood halfway up, like crouching, and I said, “Sit down.” And the woman behind me tapped me. As I turned around, if looks could kill, she would be dead. But luckily, they can't. She leaned forward and said, “Your son is the soloist,” [audience laughter] at which point I lowered myself and made a sweeping gesture that he should continue. [audience laughter] 

 

So, this is a two-tiered blunder. This is the obvious blunder that I ruined a concert. But it's the parental blunder of being the mom that's so uninvolved that she didn't realize her kid was the soloist. [audience laughter] So, two weeks later, I'm taking my other kid to a swim meet, and I am going to put an end to this impression that I'm uninvolved, and I'm going to cheer louder and longer than any other person in the stands. So, my kid starts his race, and I am clapping and I am screaming and I am saying his name loudly, over and over, length after length. I am the most involved parent. I feel great, right until the kid I'm cheering for sits down next to me in the stands fully dressed. [audience laughter] 

 

But I'm committed and I keep cheering. My son, Grant, looks up at me, he says, “Why are you still cheering?” And bitterly, I said, “It's important to cheer for all the children. Everybody's trying hard.” [audience laughter] He nodded, and then he said, “Why are you still shouting my name?” [audience laughter] And then, through gritted teeth, I said, “How do you know it's not that child's name? Do you really think you're the only kid here named Grant?” to which he said, “Yes.” I had to give him that. It's really a very uncommon name in the States. [audience laughter] 

 

But after these two events, I realized I had accomplished my goal. My kids weren't going to be known as blunderers, because I was doing it for them. [audience laughter] So, some people do their kids’ homework, I blunder for my kids. And to this day, for my family, I embarrass them at several school events every year.