Kevin McDonnell - The Six Million Dollar Heist

 

 

My parents are Irish, but I was born in Bradford in Yorkshire. Where I lived was quite working class, quite poor, but everybody kept the gardens clean and the windows clean. It was also a great place to play. I used to mess around in all these derelict mills, and they had wonderful weird names like Pidgin's Graveyard and the Devil's Spine. I also used to play in World War II air raid shelters and abandoned railway tunnels. And PC Craven, the local police officer, he used to run boxing lessons at the youth club. 

 

My parents split up when I was a child. My mother struggled to bring the four kids up alone. She took cleaning jobs when we were at school. Sometimes in the evenings, one of my big brothers would look after me and my sister. We always used to go to church, Saint Joseph's, every Sunday. It was always the same people sat in the same seats. Mrs. Casey, my teacher. The Brogdon Family. 

 

When I was nine years old, I became an altar boy. It was the first time in my life that I had any responsibility. I took it very seriously. I'd ring the bell, I'd light the candles, I'd pour the altar wine. When I swung the thurible, I'd often see my mother's proud face looking back at me through the incense smoke. It was around this time, I became fascinated by Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man. [audience laughter] 

 

The TV show was all the rage at the time. It was on every Thursday evening at 07:30 PM. Basically, Steve Austin was an astronaut involved in a horrific accident and he was rebuilt using bionic parts. He was my first real hero, and he was who I wanted to be when I grew up. So, it's hard to put into words how happy I felt when I got The Six Million Dollar Man action figure for my birthday. I took him everywhere with me. He had a little hole at the back of his head, and you could look through it and it was his bionic eye. [audience laughter] 

 

I used to throw him over walls, dangle him from trees, send him downstreams, bury him in sand. He never let me down. He was my best friend. But I wanted to give him something that he really deserved, the Holy Grail of The Six Million Dollar Man accessories, the bionic rocket repair station. [audience laughter] 

 

Basically, the bionic rocket repair station was just a rocket, but when you unfolded it, it turned into an operating theater, and you could plug him in and do all sorts of stuff with him. It was in the toy shopping cart, as in the window, and I always used to look at it and my mother would pull me away. She'd buy me it there and then if she could. But the money was just wasn't available. I was too young to get a milk around, too young to get a paper around. 

 

So, one day, I was out playing with my Six Million Dollar Man, and this kid called Billy Crossen came up to me. Now, Billy was five years older than me and had a reputation for stealing bikes and painting them. The Billy Crossen’s family was somebody you didn't want to mess with. But he said to me, “I can get you a rocket repair station tonight if you want. You've just got to help me.” I was all ears. 

 

He told me “He'd heard Gary Bateman's mum talking on the bus. She worked at a local warehouse. And apparently, she said that she'd been packing rocket repair stations to send off to shops throughout the UK.” Billy said that they were doing some work on the roof and they'd covered a hole with a plastic sheet. And if I helped him get into the warehouse, he would get me a rocket repair station. And I thought, as long as I'm home at 06:30 for my bath, I'm going to do it. 

 

So, we walked towards this toy warehouse. It was in the middle of these Victoria mills and it was very satanic. It had a big gate with a long chain and big padlock. We got there. Billy said to me, “Right, your role is to stand here. If you see anybody, walk away. And if I don't see you at the gate, I know there's something wrong.” I said, “Yeah. Okay. Fair enough.” So, Billy got over the gate and disappeared. And now, all I could think of was, “Well, what am I going to do tonight? Am I going to send Six Million Dollar Man to space or am I going to operate on him?” [audience laughter] 

 

I looked round, and I saw Billy get to the top of the scaffolding. He run across the roof like a cat, pulled this plastic sheet in and disappeared inside. And now, I was very worried. Every footstep, every car engine filled me with terror. I was stood alone at the gate, and how I wished I had a bionic eye at that moment. But then I thought, “Hang on a minute, Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man, he won't be doing this. In fact, if Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar Man was here now, he'd jump over the gate, find Billy and bring him to justice.” 

 

I realized I was on the wrong side at law. [audience laughter] I wanted to go home to my bedroom, but I couldn't leave now, because if I left, Billy would be out to get me. I had no choice. I had to stay. Seconds seemed like days, minutes like weeks. And then, I heard, “Is it clear?” I said, “Yes.” He said, “Right. Get over the gates and catch these.” So, I got over the gate as fast as I could, and suddenly the courtyard was bouncing with Frisbees. Billy shouted, “Grab the Frisbees and pile them up by the gate.” 

 

So, I was running around like a ball in a pinball machine trying to catch all these Frisbees. And a 9-year-old can only carry so many at a time. But then I thought, “Hang on a minute, where's my rocket repair station?” Billy never mentioned all about Frisbees. But before I got the chance to ask him about it, a car screeched to a halt and a blue light was flashing. I looked round, and PC Craven got out. I couldn't believe it. I've never been scared of PC Craven before, but he was wearing a black glove and he beckoned me towards him. I thought he was going to send me to jail, or even worse, send me to hell. 

 

He put me and Billy in the police car. And for Billy, it was just another day at the office. [audience laughter] For me, I always wanted to ride in a police car, but not like this. My world had come to an end, and I thought, “What's Father Barron going to think of me? What will my brothers and sister think of me? What will my mother think of me?” 

 

So, when we pulled up outside my house, I could see the curtains twitching. Somebody came out pretending to empty the bin. PC Craven took me to the door, and my mother let me in. He explained what had happened, somebody from a tower block had seen us acting suspiciously around the place. He said I would only get a warning. Billy Crossen would be taken to the police station as he was a repeat offender. The tears flowed. The public shame of being brought home by the police devastated my mother. 

 

The following day, I had to be that altar boy again. I was not old enough to go to confession, but to be honest with you, I didn't want to tell Father Barron what I had done. But maybe he already knew. When I was up on the altar, I looked down at the congregation. Mrs. Casey, my teacher, seemed to have a frown on her face. The Brogdon kids were sniggering. I couldn't even look at my mother. I was too ashamed. 

 

I never did get my hands on that rocket repair station. I'm not even sure if they had one in the warehouse or Billy was just playing me a fool all along. But I lost something very precious that day. I lost the innocence of that little boy playing with his toys. I never got Steve Austin, The Six Million Dollar man out much after that. I put him in his box, and he lay under an avalanche of toys and football annuals. 

 

I couldn't be trusted anymore. I was a criminal. No bionic parts could fix that. Not even Steve Austin, The Six million Dollar Man can go back in time. Thank you.