Tod Kelly - The Long Way Home

 

It's very important for me that you understand that I am not a violent person. I'm very even keeled. I never lose my temper. In fact, at one point when I was 25 years old, my girlfriend of a year broke up with me, because she said I was too even tempered and even keeled. She said that I so was afraid to ever get angry, that her words were, I was like a woman. And to quote her, she could find a better, more masculine man on the open market. 

 

This breakup had ripples that I didn't see coming, because in addition to being my girlfriend of a year, we had drifted off with her friends and I'd become estranged from my own. And I started about six months prior working for her sister, who, now that we weren't together, let me know that she didn't like me and was waiting for a reason to fire me, which I was making too easy, because I was really terrible at my job. I kept showing up late, and I knew if I showed up late one more time, this is about a month after we've broken up, that I'm going to get fired. 

 

And so, I set my alarm and I am on my way to work from my crappy life to my crappy job driving my crappy Mazda, which is 20 years old. It's the kind of car where it makes these noise that frighten you, and so you turn the stereo up, so you're not afraid to drive it. I don't know, I can't move past anything in my life, and I'm thinking about how I have nothing to look forward to when I see something come directly at me on the freeway from the window. It is a black car hurtling toward me. 

 

I swerve over and actually go off of the highway onto the parking strip. And the car is, in fact, I immediately notice it's not out of control. It's just cutting me off. It's this incredibly expensive, black, gorgeous BMW. And the person clear, how could he have not known that he just run me off the road, doesn't think anything of it, just shoots on along through traffic. I had this moment of clarity where I decided everything in my life would better if I passed him and cut him off. [audience laughter] 

 

And this is rush hour traffic and it's in Portland and Everybody's going about 35 or 40 miles an hour, except the guy who I'm chasing, who's going about 60. It sounds more dangerous than it probably is. He's a phenomenal driver. [audience laughter] And this car, it handles beautifully. It's almost as if all the other cars recognize that this is a superior car and they have to get out of the way. [audience laughter] It's like watching a dolphin go through water. [audience laughter] I would have no chance of following him, because now I'm going in his wake. He's going back and forth, and it suddenly hits me. I suddenly know he knows that I'm following him and that's why he's going faster. This is why he won't do anything. 

 

We come up and we get to the exit where I'm supposed to get off and get to work on time. I think, no, [audience laughter] because justice has to be served. [audience laughter] So, I barrel on. We're going and we're going. We're going through the curves. I should not go through the curves in this car, because it's an odd thing about my car. Not all the times, but sometimes when you turn the wheel, it's a little while before the thing turns. So, I'm now actually cutting other people off accidentally. Again, before you think, hypocritical asshole cutting off, cutting off for justice, they are very different things. [audience laughter] I'm not falling back, but I'm not catching up to him. 

 

And I keep going and we go. And finally, we're passing Tualatin. I'm now 15 miles past my work. [audience laughter] We get up to the 205 interchange, and suddenly cars are going off there and it breaks open and I can see and he's 10 car lengths ahead of me. He hits the open space. He's going 60. And then, clearly, he just puts his foot on the grass and he leaves it there, because he goes from 60 to 90. Boom. And he is like a comet. It's like those cartoons where you see the car suddenly shrink in size. But that's okay, because I'm just a few seconds behind him. And then, I hit the open space and I hit my accelerator. I hold it out and I go from 60. I'm still going 60, because piece of shit car. [audience laughter] 

 

I should turn around, but I don't because I think I can't stop now. [audience laughter] And then, a miracle happens. As I start to get towards Wilsonville [audience laughter] there's something happening on the highway that's caused great congestion. And he's the last car in the fast lane. I can say, “Oh, boy.” He's seeing me coming in his rearview. He knows it's coming. He knows it's coming and I can feel the adrenaline. I feel amazing. 

 

And suddenly, he branches off and he gets off and I follow him. [audience laughter] I think I'm going to confront him. He parks immediately in this business park, and he gets out and I'm like, “He's going to have it out with me.” I get out. And he's really big. [audience laughter] And that flight part of me goes, we're terrible at this. And I'm like, “No, today we're going to try it.” I walk up to him and I go, “Hey.” And he turns around and it's the moment I see his face and his expression that I know he has no idea who I am, he has no idea what's happened, he has no idea he's cut me off and I have no idea what to say. [audience laughter] All I can say is, “You cut me off.” And he said, “Oh, God, I'm sorry” right at the [unintelligible [00:24:57] off ramp. And I'm like, “No, 20 miles ago.” [audience laughter] 

 

And he's looking at me and not in an unkind way, he's like, “Are you going to cry?” [audience laughter] And I was. I can feel the tears welling up. I want to say my life is out of control and it's shit and I just want something to go right. But all I can say is, “You cut me off.” [audience laughter] And he says in the coolest, kindest way, “I am so sorry. I was late, and I wasn't paying attention and it looks like you're having a rough time. I’m so sorry that I made it worse for you. I'm terribly sorry.” I hadn't had anybody apologize to me about anything in forever, and it just felt amazing. 

 

If this were an ABC After School special, suddenly my life would have changed. But it didn't, of course. Except that in that moment it did. I just felt better, and I apologized and I thanked him, and I got in the car and I started to drive off to work, knowing as soon as I was going to get there, I was going to put in my two weeks’ notice and I was going to start asking myself, seriously, what do I need to do to get my life back on track? Thank you.