Brian Kennedy - The Last One to Know

 

So, I was talking to my mom on the phone when she uttered the single most horrifying sentence in the history of the world, “Oh, did your brother tell you he's finally coming to visit you in New York?” [audience laughter] Oh, shit. My brother and I, when we were little, we were often mistaken for twins. My mother had this disgusting habit of dressing us in matching outfits, and I think that confused people. But once we had a little more say in our wardrobe, it became clear to everyone that we were pretty different. 

 

For example, my brother's pajamas were GI Joe. They were camouflaged, they had this big strapping army guy in the front with his rifle and bombs blowing up behind him. And my pajamas were Wonder Woman. [audience laughter] It wasn't just Wonder Woman on the front, it was actually a onesie designed to look like I was wearing her costume. [audience laughter] It had flesh-colored arms and legs, so it looked like I just had on a red bustier and blue bikini bottoms. [audience laughter] So, needless to say, I was a homosexual. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, I don't think this was really a secret or would have been a surprise to my brother. I spent all of high school locked up in my bedroom listening to the soundtrack of Jesus Christ Superstar. [audience laughter] But officially, I never, ever came out to him. My brother scared me. He was this big, gruff, manly man. And the only time he ever showed emotion was when he was watching college basketball on the television. So, I figured it was best not to tell him. I knew the time had come that I finally had to tell him. 

 

I couldn't hide it from him anymore. And more importantly, I didn't want to hide it, because I was in my first serious relationship and I wanted my boyfriend to meet my entire family, including my brother. So, if I was brave, I would have called him on the phone and told him ahead of time. But I took the coward's way out and I said, “Oh, no. Just tell him in person. It's so, much easier.” 

 

So, he arrives at JFK airport. My sister-in-law came along. So, I had the opportunity to kill two birds with one gay stone. [audience laughter] Being the good host that I was, I decided to take the train out to JFK, meet them there when they landed and we got into a cab together. 

 

Now, they think we're going to Brooklyn in this cab because that's where I live. What they didn't know was the address I gave the cab was actually my boyfriend's apartment in Manhattan. So, the three of us are crammed in the back of this cab together, and making small talk about their plane ride and everything. There's a voice screaming in my head, “Tell them. Tell them. You have to tell them.” And then, there's another voice screaming at that one, “Girl, settle down. [audience laughter] He cannot come out in a cab with some strange cabby [audience laughter] listening to their conversation. That is rude.” So, I didn't say anything. 

 

So, we get out of the cab, we're standing on the sidewalk with suitcases, looking up at the fancy high rises of the Columbus Circle area. Very, very sheepishly, I say, “It's my boyfriend's apartment.” [audience laughter] Oh my God, I told them. I feel pretty good about it. Now, at the same time, I also own up to the fact that I'm a total shit for just dropping this bomb on them in the middle of Manhattan, their first time visiting me. But thankfully they were so gracious about it. My sister had this huge smile on her face-- Oh, my sister-in-law, sorry. That would be creepy if my brother and sister were married. [audience laughter] 

 

My sister-in-law puts this huge smile on her face and she says, “Oh, that's great. Does that mean we get to meet your boyfriend?” So, that week, not only did they meet my boyfriend, but my brother got to meet the real me. All those years I was afraid to tell him that I was gay, because we were so different and we hardly talked as it was, I was afraid if I actually said the words out loud, it would mean he would think less of me and we would talk even less. But the opposite was true, really, once I stopped hiding myself and putting up that wall, we had so much more to talk about. And it was great. 

 

And around the same time, my brother became a father. I feel like that's when I really got to know the real him, because that rough, manly man that I was so, afraid of, I now got to see him be silly and loving with these two little girls. And it was wonderful. When I went home for Christmas last year, my brother was the one to pick me up from the airport. As we were driving back to my parents’ house, he was telling me a story about the night before when he was reading a bedtime story to his oldest daughter, and she stopped him and she said, “Daddy, how come Uncle Brian and Uncle Danny don't have any girls in their family? Isn't that kind of weird?” 

 

I smiled and I felt so proud, because I was sure that the answer he gave her was just poetic and beautiful and explaining how sometimes a man can love another man and don't need a woman. [audience laughter] But instead, he told me his real answer, which was, “Well, honey, that's a very interesting question. Why don't you go to bed and tomorrow morning when you wake up, you can ask your mother about it?” [audience laughter] Although it wasn't the answer I was looking for, it still made me smile, because I had waited until the very last minute to come out to my brother. So, if he was taking his time and explaining it to his daughter, maybe that meant that we still had something in common. Thank you.