Jason Schommer - The Home Perm: Teenage Rebellion Never Looked So Good!

 

 

Growing up, we never fought. But the few times we did, it was off the charts. I was furious. I grabbed a handful of money, I stomped out of the house and I walked all the way to Pamida. [audience laughter] Once I got in that store, I headed right to health and beauty and I snatched a home perm kit right off the shelf. [audience laughter] I was going to perm my hair for my senior photos and no one was going to stop me. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

Not even my mom, who said it was a terrible idea. [audience laughter] Now, growing up in a small town, I was different. I stuck out like a sore thumb. Back in the fourth grade, my parents moved from Minneapolis to Little Falls, Minnesota, a small, conservative rural farming community. My life was basically footloose. [audience laughter] Only we could dance and I didn't look like Kevin Bacon. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, I just did not fit in with my peers and my classmates. Every day, walking through the halls of school, I was lost in a sea of mullets and Wrangler jeans. [audience laughter] Two different worlds colliding. They liked to smoke in wood chop class, I liked theater arts. They headbanged to ACDC, I vogued to Madonna. [audience laughter] They wore cowboy boots, I had penny loafers. [sighs] So, as I left Pamida, I called my friend, Heidi, from the payphone on the street corner, and I told her, “I'm coming over,” and I hung up. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, Heidi was the queen of bad decisions. [audience laughter] Heidi loved to skip school, and she even failed gym class. [audience laughter] She was also dating a boy from juvie. [audience laughter] Heidi opened her door before I could even knock. She knew something big was about to happen, and she wanted in. [audience laughter] So, I threw that perm box on the table. She grabbed a towel. We were doing it. [audience laughter] So, we did the perm. Let me tell you this, it took hours. It was a nightmare. I almost lost an eye. [audience laughter] 

 

Chemical was everywhere. My scalp was burning. We lost a couple of chunks of hair, but I knew it would be worth it, because I figured I am changing my identity. I'm going to be a new person. When I go to school, all the kids are going to stare as I walk in slow motion, [audience laughter] and they're going to be thinking, “Wow, who's that new cool kid, and how can I be friends with him?” [audience laughter] Sadly, it was just me getting high from the fumes from the perm. [audience laughter] 

 

So, the next day, my mom and I drove over to the portrait studio, so I could have my senior photos taken. The silence in that car was deafening [audience laughter] as my mom was mute with seething rage and I was smug with victory. [audience laughter] Now, prior to the perm, my hair was long, straight and brown. I had an asymmetrical haircut, which was where one end is a lot longer than the other end. It flipped over to the left. It was very flock of seagulls, 1980s. [audience laughs] So, once I permed it, the length of my hair caused these giant ringlets that bounced like crazy every time I took a step or snapped my neck. [audience laughter] 

 

My hair had so much drama, Beyoncé would be jealous. [audience laughter] So, once we were in the portrait studio, I took a can of mousse, I flipped off the cap, made the giant mound of foam, worked it into my hair and it was frozen in time. [audience laughter] A few minutes later, it was frozen in eternity as the flashbulb, and my senior photo was taken. My mom hung the photo up in our living room and displayed it prominently. She never missed an opportunity to tell anyone who came over to the house, “Oh, have you seen Jason's senior photo?” [audience laughter] “Yes, it is a perm. It is. Uh-huh. Yeah. I told him not to, but no one listens to mom, right, Jason?” Which I always responded with, “Okay, okay, listen, it was popular at the time.” But the sad reality was the perm was never popular and I was never popular. 

 

One day, I finally admitted to my mom, I go, “I get it, mom. It was a mistake. Can we just take the photo down?” She looked at me and she said, “Oh, honey, we all make mistakes. That's how we figure out who we are in life. Unfortunately, though, sometimes mistakes live in a frame on the living room wall, forever.” [audience laughter]