Kathleen Turner - The Glamour of Theatre 

 

Good evening. I was sitting at my kitchen table in the flat I was staying in London. I was reading the frontpage story of a British tabloid. I was in London to play Mrs. Robinson in the play, The Graduate. Now, the story, which was the frontpage story, was about a woman whose washing machine broke down. And so, she called repairman. And he came, but without any kind of tools or equipment. And so, she asked “Why?” And he said, “Well, I had to be sure there was a problem first, didn't I?” [audience laughter] 

 

So, they made an appointment for the next day and he came back with the wrong part. So, they made an appointment for the following day, and he never showed up. She called, and he said he was on another call and he wouldn't get there that day. So, finally, the next day, he pulled up in his truck. She told him that she had to run out for a few errands but she'd be right back. Why didn't he pull the truck up into the driveway to keep it off the street? And he did that. So, she drove around the block and she pulled up inside behind the truck and she informed him that he would not be leaving until the washer was fixed. [audience laughter] I thought, “You go, girl.” Now, why this was the frontpage story, I've never quite been sure. 

 

The production company had given me a lovely flat in South Kensington. The top two floors of a four-story brownstone, and the third floor had the kitchen and living room, dining room and the fourth floor, the top floor, had three bedrooms. Two were in the front facing the street and a window seat ran along beneath the windows. And the third was in the back facing the gardens, and that was my room. Well, I brought along a young assistant named Jesse, who never left the country before. I thought it might do her some good. Any case, she didn't seem to be adapting as well as I had really hoped. She kept telling me that she was hearing strange noises in the apartment, in the flat. I would listen and I wouldn't hear anything and I'd say, “Okay. No, okay, of course, it must be something.” 

 

One night, I got home from the show, and she was almost hysterical and she said, “All right.” She figured it out, there was someone on the roof. So, I called the police. They were very nice, and they came and they went on the roof and they came down and informed us that, “No, there was nothing on the roof.” “So, one night, I was sleeping, and she came into the room, shaking me, waking me up, saying, “You have to come. You have to come now.” So, I rush into her bedroom, and yes, yes, there are strange noises. They seemed to be coming from the window box, the window seat. 

 

So, I got a fireplace poker and I pried up the top of the window seat, only to find dozens upon dozens of happy pigeons making their home. [audience laughter] Ho, ho, ho, ho. Well, Jesse slept on the sofa downstairs that night. And the first thing in the morning, I call the Kensington Bureau. Yeah. And they give me the Department of Wildlife or something. [audience laughter] I try to tell the woman, what's going on. She said, “No, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Are the pigeons in or out?” I said, “They're in. That's the problem.” [audience laughter] “Oh, no. Sorry. We only do out.” [audience laughter] So, I called an exterminator. He showed up. And guess what? Without any tools [audience laughter] without any equipment. 

 

I asked him why he had nothing with him. And he said, “Well, I have to be sure there's a problem first, don't I?” [audience laughter] I said, “No, I just called because I felt lonely.” [audience laughter] Well, he took one look and agreed that, “Yes, it needed exterminating.” So, he would come back the next day with all the means to do so. Meanwhile, Jesse and I were to empty those bedrooms of everything movable of. The mattress, the bedding, the pillows, the clothing, everything, anything we could move, had to come out so he could fumigate, which we did. And the next day, he didn't show up. 

 

I called him, and he said, “Well.” He said, “You live in Hammersmith.” I said, “Yeah.” He said, “Well, the bridge is closed, isn't it?” I said, “There are seven others.” [audience laughter] Well, I'm getting pretty upset now, huh? So, I call the production office and I tell them, “I'm not living this way. I'm not living with a bunch of pigeons in my house. [audience laughter] So, you need to help me. You have to do something about this.” So, the doorbell rings, and in walks this young man, clearly an intern [audience laughter] with a butterfly net. [audience laughter] So, I called the producer and I said, “Here's the deal. Either you clean out my flat, or I'm on a plane back to New York. But meanwhile, tonight, Jesse and I are going to go to the most expensive hotel I can find in London and you will pay for that.” 

 

Well, sure enough, that place got cleaned out. When I went back and they proudly showed me the empty, cleaned window seat boxes. I said, “This is great. Thank you.” I said, “So, I guess you found the hole.” [audience laughter] And they said, “The hole?” I said, “Yes, where the birds come in.” “Ah, yeah.” Now, the play was a great success in London, and so the producers said, “Well, okay, now we go to Broadway.” Now, I don't know if all of you know this or anything, but there is a scene in the Graduate, where Mrs. Robinson stands naked for 23 seconds. I said, “No. No, no, no. Americans are so screwed up about sex. We are such hypocrites. I don't need that shit.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, I took off on a tour of another play. I got a script that described the lead woman as 37 but still attractive. [audience laughter] Well, that really pissed me off. [audience laughter] And so, I called the British producers and said, “Guess what? We're going to Broadway.” And so, I played Mrs. Robinson on Broadway, fully nude at 48. [audience cheers and applause]

 

But the best part in some were the letters I got from women my age. I will never forget. I think the one I love the most was a woman who wrote to me, “I have not undressed in front of my husband for 10 years, and I am going to tonight.” [audience laughter]