Aidan Greene - The Early Days of Stammer

 

Hello. So, for as long as I can remember, I've been in love with one thing. Speaking. Since I said my very first word, I just didn't want to stop. So, it was a mild inconvenience when at the age of four-- when at the age of four I-- at the age of four, I developed a stammer. And that isn't a joke, because back then I barely knew I stammered. Sometimes I would just-- I would just repeat the first sound-- the first sound-- the first sound of-- the first sound of a word., okay? It was totally-- totally, totally innocuous, okay? So, then when my speech therapist said to-- said to-- said to my ma’am that I would never lose-- that I would never lose my stammer. That was no big deal, okay? And then, shortly after, that became a very big deal.

 

So, I just finished my first year of secondary school where I was a very happy kid. I was very confident and very good in school. And so, it was the first day of summer holidays. And I was-- I was at home on my own, okay? And the phone rang. So, I picked up the phone and I tried to say hello. And nothing came out. And then, they said, “Hello.” And I tried to respond and nothing came out. I kept trying and forcing and forcing until eventually I ran out of breath and they hung up. And five minutes after they phoned back and I was too scared-- and I was too scared-- and I was too scared-- I was too scared to answer it, because suddenly, this innocuous stammer had become totally-- had become totally-- become totally debilitating.

 

So, that September, I went back-- I went back into school, and things had changed completely. I was never happy. I seemed as if I was really unintelligent, because I'd lie the whole time. Say that the teacher asked me something, I'd say, "I don't know," because-- because I just couldn't say it, or say if the teacher asked me for my homework, I would say, "No, I don't have it done." Because the fear of that was way less than the fear of speaking.

 

So, in my head I thought, no, this is fine. I'm getting by. Nobody knows I stammer. And clearly, everyone did know. But I thought, it's fine, because nobody knows and I'm getting by. And then, one day I stopped getting by. It was in English class. We were reading a book. I think it was Carrie's War. There was a character which was called Hepzibah, which I maintain to this very day is the stupidest name in the world. [audience laughter] [audience applause] 

 

Like, there's too many sounds in one word. It was just stupid. [audience chuckles] So, on that particular day, okay, I think he started from the top-- from the top of the list. So, I knew I was going to have to-- so I knew I was going to have to read, okay? So, I looked down and found my paragraph and there she was in the second sentence. Hepzibah. [audience laughter] So, as all the people before me read, I got filled with such a sense of fear and dread and a sense that in no circumstances would I be able to say this word. And then, it was John Farrelly, the person before me. I was shaking, and I was already quite short of breath, and then it was me.

 

And so, I mumbled and bumbled through the first sentence. It seemed like an age for like seven words. And then, finally, there she was. And I tried to say it and I said, “Hep”, but I couldn't get past that first sound. And I tried again, I went, “Hep, Hep, Hep.” I kept trying and trying as I got shorter and shorter of breath, until eventually there was no sound coming out of my mouth whatsoever until eventually, I put my head in my hands and I started to cry. I could hear all of the chairs turning. I could feel all of the eyes on me, until eventually the guy sitting beside me said, "Sir, he just can't say it." And then, the next person read and then the bell rang and people just streamed out. I had reached my lowest point, because what was the point of being alive when I couldn't do the thing I love, when I couldn't speak. 

 

So, I think it was around then-- around then -- I think it was around then that my mum, she was taking me all around the country looking for a cure. She took me to reflexologists, she took me to some hypnotherapists. I think that I got the Catholic cure for a stammer. [audience laughter] Surprisingly ineffective. [audience laughter] [audience applauses] 

 

Who would have thought it? So, then one day, she said, "Aidan, there's this thing I found, and it's called the McGuire Program." And straight away, I was like, "No, I don't want to do it. All of this is bullshit." But she was like, "No, Aidan, you have to." She brought me up, okay, and she made me do it. The first thing they said was, "This is not a cure." And so, over the course of a weekend, they entirely broke down the way I spoke, and they built it back up from the ground. 

 

So, afterwards-- so clearly afterwards, that wasn't a cure. But I had a way of being-- of being in control of-- I had a way of being in control-- in control of my speech for the first time in ages. So, the next Tuesday, I had English, and I went in. And that day, same book. He started from the top of the list. I'm like, “Yes, I get to read.” So, I looked down and I found my paragraph, and it was a big, juicy paragraph. And there she was. [audience chuckles] First word, first sentence, Hepzipah.

 

And all of the people, they read before me. I got filled with nerves, but also excitement, because I knew that I could do it. I knew that I could say it. John Farley was reading, and he had a huge paragraph. But I steeled myself, and I told myself that this was it. I was going to prove everyone wrong, I was going to prove all the people who saw me cry wrong, I was going to prove my speech therapist wrong. And eventually, it was me. So, I paused for a moment. I took my time. I took a really deep breath, and then I went to say that word as fluently and as beautifully as I could. As I went to say it, the bell rang, [audience laughter] and everyone just stood up and walked out [audience laughter] as if nothing had happened. 

 

And so, that is not the point of this story, okay? [audience chuckles] The point is I love speaking, and I loved it so much as a child. But that love that brought me the greatest pain I will ever experience in my life. I'm so glad I have it, because now I can appreciate my love of speaking so much more. And that's it.