Elizabeth Gray - The Death Knell of My Youth

 

Elizabeth: [00:01:05] So, this story begins six years ago when I was 38 years old. It was a beautiful morning, because nana had stayed over, which meant that I got to sleep in. So, because I was well rested, I actually wanted to spend time with my children. And so, I thought what I would do is I would go out while they're sitting at the kitchen table and I'd jump up and I'd go, “Rah.” 

 

So, got out of bed, put my dressing gown on, strapped it on nice and tight, crept out to the dining table and I leapt in the air. As I leapt in the air, my breasts, which were joyous and free of any constraints, [audience laughter] leapt with me. And then, when I landed, they landed a second behind and they made this enormous clap sound as they hit my torso. 

 

My kids didn't seem to notice. And if nana noticed, she didn't say anything. [audience laughter] But I crept back to the bedroom and I sat down in shock as this sound just echoed around my brain, [audience laughter] because this thunderous clap was the death knell of my youth. [audience laughter] For the first time in my life, I actually thought, maybe I should get some plastic surgery. Maybe I should get a breast reduction. 

 

Over the years, age and gravity had affected my breasts. And not only that, but there'd been 15 years of fluctuating weight and I'd breastfed two children. And in addition to that, my left breast is actually two sizes larger than my right. So, when I'm naked, kind of look a bit like a Picasso painting. [audience laughter] But I worked out that if I stand with my left arm straight up [audience laughter] and my right arm 90 degrees away from my body to the right, everything evens out and takes 10 years off my breasts. [audience laughter] But it's a little bit hard to feel sexy when you look like you're doing some kinky semaphore thing going on. 

 

So, being a good Virgo, I made a list of pros and cons. And the pros were better self-image, more confidence and being able to buy a normal sports bra as opposed to a sports bra which was designed by NASA and cost about $150. But there are quite a lot of cons, quite a lot more cons. And some of those were I'm terrible with pain, I'm a terrible patient, I don't have a big disposable income and I have quite an addictive personality. So, I was looking a couple of years into the future, thinking that I would look great, nice and shiny and plastic, but be completely destitute, like, I don't know, dumpster diving Barbie, complete with her own shopping trolley. So, I thought, well, I'll talk to my husband about it, see if he can help me with the decision. 

 

Now, my husband loves my breasts and he loves my body. The only negative thing he said about my body, is that there's too many clothes covering it. So, I sat him down and I said, honey, I think I want to get a breast reduction. He was quiet for a moment and he said, “You know, I love you just the way you are. But if this is really important to you, then I will support you 100%.” Yeah. Even though I wasn't any closer to a decision, I felt better about everything. I went away and made us a cup of tea, and I came back to find him in the bedroom weeping quietly into one of my double D cup bras. [audience laughter] 

 

So, anyway, for the next three years, I oscillated between, should I get it done, should I get surgery, should I not? On the one hand, it was like, “I will not succumb to this advertiser's cult of youth.” And then, on the other side, I was like, “But think of all the gorgeous bras we could wear.” [audience laughter] 

 

And then, one day, my whole life just went to crap. I rode off my car, my husband was involved in a terrible workplace accident and this trip to Canada that we'd been planning for ages was at risk of being cancelled. And then, I found a lump on my right breast. So, I went to the doctor, who referred me to a specialist, and then she wanted me to get some tests and a mammogram. 

 

So, I had my mammogram done by this little Scottish round lady. If you've never had a mammogram before, what you do is you put your breast on a square plate and you snuggle up to this machine, which is something like out of Doctor Who, and then they lower a Perspex plate down onto your breast and they keep lowering it until there's tears in your eyes and your breast is as flat as a pancake. 

 

So, right one done, onto the left one, get it up onto the plate and she goes, “Oh, goodness me, I'll have to get the bigger plate out for that one.” [audience laughter] If that wasn't bad enough, she changed the plates, rest on the plate and she goes, “Oh, it goes right underneath your armpit, doesn't it, lovely? I'll just pull that around for you, shall I?” And right then, I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. But after about eight weeks of getting prodded, and poked, and humiliated and squashed, I finally got my results. And the results were negative, which were amazing. 

 

I got out of the specialist. I just cried, and I cried and I cried. It's true that you don't realize how much you love something until there's a risk that it's going to be taken away. So, I realized that day that I actually love my breasts in all their saggy, lumpy, uneven glory. And God willing, both my breasts and I are going to age disgracefully right to the end.