Abigail Ladd - The Cutest Con

 

 

I can't even remember my first con. I was probably still in diapers. But I remember from a really early age thinking adults were really easy to trick, especially if you were cute. I was wicked cute. I had blond curly hair, blue eyes, bubbly personality and all the lisps you could imagine rolled into one. It's actually very hard for me to say that still. [chuckles] But my best con started in kindergarten and ended three years later. I peaked very early. [chuckles] [audience laughter]

 

 But my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Cobb, was great. She was like a seasoned veteran. She taught all of my siblings before me. There were three and they were smart. This is a key detail. Please remember that you will need it later. So, learning to read in her classroom would look like this. She would call me to her desk, she would set a timer, she'd give me a book and I would stall for as long as possible. I would ask questions. I'd be really adorable. I'd fill her water cup, which was always empty. This strategy got me safely to first grade. 

 

First grade got a little harder. Mrs. Plunkett, who also taught my smart siblings, was a little more attentive, [chuckles] but thankfully, early readers are incredibly repetitive. So, I learned that if I sat right next to the teacher's table, and my last name is Ladd, so I'm in the middle of a roster, I could memorize the book before all the other kids while they were reading. So, [chuckles] I got like a really good ear for early readers, and I'd just like smoke through the book. And then, she'd give me one unknown book and I had to pee or I had a stomach ache. I came from a smart family, so I got to second grade. 

 

Second grade got exponentially harder for a couple of reasons. One, I had tricked my previous teachers so well. I was in the highest reading group. [audience laughter] So, the books were longer, less repetitive. I was screwed. And so, that one. Second, I had the real-life Mrs. Trunchbull as my teacher. Her name was Mrs. Robideaux. She had jet black hair that went down to her calves, a gray streak that went right across the top, like a skunk. She had this malicious yell, which she just unleashed on kids all the time. And she was terrifying. She also didn't teach any of my siblings, so I had no reputation. She hated me [chuckles] so much. She was always yelling at me and sitting me in the hallway for like, nothing. 

 

So, I managed to get around reading group, because my best friend, Ida, was in it with me. She was very smart and could read. So, I would have her read it to me as much as possible before it was our turn to go, so I could have it memorized. If Ida wasn't there, I'd be like, “Frog and toad, don't want to go on an adventure today. Mm.” And then, she'd sit me in the hall and I wouldn't have to read. Problem solved. 

 

When we'd read one on one, she just told me to pick a picture book off of the shelf, so I would pick one that I already knew really well. It's actually a book I still know to this day, Silly Sally. Silly Sally went to town, walking backwards, upside down. On the way she met a dog, a silly dog,. They played leapfrog. Get the point. [chuckles] It worked. She thought I could read it. 

 

So, the whole year, I was writing down titles, taking them home, get my mom to check them out from the library, read them to me over and over again. I would go back into class, pretend read them to my second-grade teacher, pretend mess up, because I knew that if I read them too nicely, she would then know I was faking. Surely, learning to read would have been a lot easier at this point. [audience laughter]

 

But I was like, “I was all in, man, I had made it so long.” It was such a time commitment. And so, by the skin of my teeth, I made it to third grade. And third grade, it all came crashing down. It wasn't even reading that did it. It was writing, because I couldn't copy paragraphs off the board. It would take me forever, because I had to do it letter by letter. I would get stuck or I'd lose my place. Heaven forbid, there was an E. And so, Mrs Tru, my third-grade teacher was like, “She can't read.” [sigh] But I made three and a half years in public education without anyone knowing I couldn't read a word. [audience laughter]  So, when I became an elementary school teacher-- [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause] Yeah, I knew what to look for and I was like, “Guys, you can't con a con.” Thank you.