Louise Newton-Keogh - The Blesser

 

Hi. So, when I was in grade three, I learnt a valuable lesson about controlling the universe from my little sister, Helen, and a pair of dodgy rosary beads. So, there wasn't a lot of control in my life at home at that stage. My mum was living with a mental illness and my dad was a Vietnam vet who tried to manage his PTSD with alcohol. So, there was a lot of chaos, not much control, and certainly not much an eight-year-old could do about it. But when I was in grade three, I thought I'd solve this. I thought I could find a way to control the universe. 

 

You see, grade three is a very special time when you go to a Catholic primary school. It's the year of the first Holy Communion, which basically means you get the bread and the wine, and also means that you get to wear a white dress and eat lots of fairy bird and drink lemonade at the party afterwards. So, it was a fairly big deal. It also means you get your first ever religious education. 

 

So, in our school, religious education, they introduced these two amazing, wonderful storytelling nuns. And these women, if they were alive today, would be on the Moth, for sure. Now, the first nun was called Sister Mary Caulfield. And she liked to tell stories of gloom and doom and what would happen if we sinned. So, she would tell stories that you'd never forget. Like, the boy who went to church and refused to kneel and then when he went outside, he got hit by a bus and broke both legs and had to kneel for the rest of his life. [audience laughter] So, that one stuck with me forever. [audience laughter] 

 

And then, there was Sister Vincent, Sister Mary Vincent, and she was this amazing Oprah-esque woman and honestly, she would not be out of place, as a motivational speaker today. Basically, she said, “The secret to the universe, the way you could [unintelligible [00:19:49] Jesus, is what she called the universe, says just to follow Jesus, to put what you want out to God and He would help you. So, follow Jesus, do what He asked you to do, be good, and Jesus would solve everything.” 

 

So, I thought, oh, cool. So, I'm really good, if I'm really, really good, then Jesus will listen and He will answer my prayers and my mum will be fine and my dad won't drink and this was what I thought I would do. My mission was to be good, the goodest kid that ever was. [audience laughter] And the trouble with that is I didn't actually know how to do that, because I was a pretty good kid anyway. So, I thought there were three things. One was my times tables, which was another big deal in grade three. So, I went out of my way to learn them. I spent every night before I went to sleep reciting from 2 2s to 12 12s and back again. 

 

And the other one was I did the dishes without complaining, even when it was not my turn. Felt really proud. And the other one was not fighting with my brother and sisters. And that was hard, because once they cottoned onto what I was doing, they absolutely went out of their way to make me crack. It's like, “Let's see if we can make the angel crack this time.” So, that was hard. But I persevered. Didn't seem to help, but then came the glory day when it was our feast day and the whole school was given rosary beads, the entire school. And apparently, they were blessed by the Pope himself. So, that was a big deal. [audience laughter] 

 

But these were the dodgiest rosary beads you've ever seen. I'm like, “If I can try pink little beads of plastic held together by flimsy white string and on the end was a silver cross, I want to see if you paid $2 for them, you'd be ripped off.” But in my mind, they were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen in my life. And for me, this was the key to the universe, because I thought, “Ha ha, I've got the rosary beads. Now I know what to do.” So, I became a blesser. [audience laughter] 

 

I didn't actually know what blessing-- I didn't really know what I was doing. So, my way of blessing people would be touch them with the rosary beads and say, “You are blessed.” [audience laughter] And so, what I would do every night before I went to bed, before I set my times table, I would go on house touching my family, my mum, my dad, my brother, my sisters, saying, “You are blessed.” And then, I moved on to my cats, my dog, [audience laughter] then I moved on to my toys, then I moved on to my times table and so on. And I did this every single night. 

 

Now, there were some interesting reactions at home. Dad, who the only thing he loved more than beer was Catholic church, prayed Jesus and thought finally he had one and that I was planning my trip into the convent when I was 15. Mum was a bit bemused, but she thought, oh, well, if it makes me happy and it doesn't seem to be bothering anyone, what the heck? My brother, Patrick, who was a bit older and a bit further along the enlightenment journey, he thought it was hysterical. [audience laughter] And he also used every opportunity he could to tease me. Like, just as I was about to bless him, he locked himself in the bathroom while he's covered and say, “I think I'll be a while.” I say, “But Patrick, I can't bless you before I go to bed. Come on.” 

 

My sister Mary, she really just got angry. Like, “Don't touch me with those things.” So, then I had to become a covert blesser. [audience laughter] What do I do? I would go up to her and I'd just go, tap. Or, when she was brushing her teeth, I'd accidentally bump into her and say, tap, “You are blessed,” [audience laughter] And hope she didn't hit me. My sister, Helen, she became my disciple. She became a blesser. [audience laughter] She was two years younger than me and she followed me, blessing everything behind me. [audience laughter] We were the blessers. 

 

But Helen actually took it one step further than me. She blessed objects. So, she started blessing the wall, the floor, the couch, [audience laughter] the taps. I was really impressed, but I didn't do that. Well, I did bless the odd wall, but only one or two. [audience laughter] But then, of course, this kept going and something had to give, and it did. One night, I had gone through my blessing ritual, was in bed doing my times tables, waiting for Helen to finish hers and turn the lights off when there was a bang, and the lights went out and smoke. We could smell smoke. And there was silence. And then, I heard my mother screaming my sister's name. That's when I realized there was something really, truly wrong. 

 

So, I jumped out of bed, and dad had found a way to turn the lights on. My sister, Helen was on the bed, shaking uncontrollably. And in her hand was a black cross. It turns out, my sister had tried to bless the electricity with a metal cross. Now, she was okay, and dad believed that Jesus had saved her. And Patrick believed that Jesus just wanted to shut us up. [audience laughter] But surely, she was saved by the foam mattress that she was leaning on. But it did have an instantaneous effect. We were cured. That was it. We were done. [audience laughter] The days of controlling the universe with rosary beads were over. Thank you.