Jahvannia Darling - The Beginning Of The Rest Of Life

 

So, growing up, my family was very religious, which meant church every Sunday. Girls wore dresses, boys wore suits. Girls were supposed to do what girls were supposed to do, boys did what boys were supposed to do, which didn't leave any room for any ideas that went against the Bible. 

 

Now, this was especially hard for me, because I figured out at a young age that I was attracted to the same sex, which was fourth grade, so pretty young. I always had these feelings but pushed them aside, because they went against everything that I knew. But this all started to change around the beginning of middle school. These feelings were becoming stronger and a lot harder to ignore, and I didn't know what to do about them. At this point, I was staying up nights crying, like, “What am I supposed to do? How am I going to tell my family?” 

 

I wanted to reach out to my mom or a friend or a family member, but I couldn't, because there was this boy at my middle school, and he was also openly gay. But he was treated terribly, because of it. I'd walk down the hallways and I would hear stuff about him, and people were just, overall, just terrible, which made me think, yeah, so I'm never going to tell my mom about this. I'll just keep it to myself. And I did for a long time. Well, kind of long. [audience laughter]

 

It was around the ending of middle school, which is eighth grade, summer transitioning to high school. And I met a girl. Well, I met a girl. I saw her on Facebook, [audience laughter] and I found out that her name was Mala. I thought she was the most beautiful girl I've ever seen in my entire life. So, naturally, I stalked her for about a week, [audience laughter] until I gathered the courage to say hi. And she texted back and the conversation flowed from there. When texting wasn't enough anymore, we decided we wanted to meet up and we did, like, every weekend that summer. 

 

But it was very hard for me to do that, because my mom used to drive me everywhere, and I had to lie to her about who I was going to see, because I didn't want to make it suspicious. So, the conversation went something like this. “Hey, mom, can I go to the mall or whatever to hang out with my friends?” And she was like, “Sure, who you going with?” And I'm like, “This person, this person and Mala.” [audience laughter] She would just be like, “Okay,” and she would drive me there. 

 

Now, this went on for a while towards the ending of summer. Now, she was driving to the park to meet up with my friends, but just one person. I'm guessing it's mother's intuition, where she figured out my game, figured out my story. It was a hot August day. We got into the car, and she looks at me and says, “What's your relationship with that Mala girl?” And I was like, “What do you mean? She's my friend.” [audience laughter] And she was like, “Jahvannia, tell me the truth and tell me the truth now.” I was like, “Mom, what are you talking about?” [audience laughter] And she's like, “Jahvannia.” So, I'm like, “All right. I like her.” She's like, “What do you mean you like her?” And I'm like, “I like her like her.” And then, the car fell silent. 

 

I looked out the window, and this was like for five minutes. So, that's a long time to be staring at a window. [audience chuckle] I gained up the courage to look over, because the car was quiet, like, “What's going on?” I look over to her side and all I saw was her crying. I felt like I just told her the worst news that she could ever hear. I felt like I just destroyed her as a mother. I didn't say anything to her, and she didn't say anything to me until we got to the park, she parked her car and she turned to me and said, "I want to meet that Mala girl." I was just like, “No, not today, please stop. Ahh” [audience laughter] And she's like, "Jahvannia, I want to meet her and I want to meet her now." So, I said, “Okay.”

 

And I got out the car, I met up with Mala and I was like, “Hey, so my mom is outside and she wants to meet you.” And she was like, “Why? No.” [audience laughter] And I was like, “It's going to be okay.” And then, she was like, “All right.” She got to the car, she sat in the front seat, and I sat in the back and my mom was just hammering her with questions. I was in the back having a huge panic attack. I had to take a deep breath and remind myself, like, “You're okay. This is going to be fine. Everything's going to be fine. You're alive. You're still breathing.” 

 

And then, the conversation eventually ended, and me and the girl went to the park. And now, we were there for like an hour or so. We were shook. [audience laughter] We barely spoke to each other. We barely wanted to hug or anything, because my mom is terrifying sometimes. [audience laughter] My mom eventually came back to pick me up after an hour, and I got into the car and Mala's walking up to the car as well. I sat down in the seat and my mom's like, “Hey, you want a ride home?” And she was like, “No, I'm just walk. It's fine.” [audience laughter] 

 

I was happy at that moment, because that would have been a really awkward car ride. But I was also upset. I was upset about her reaction earlier that I've just told her something so important to me and that she would react like that. So, we sat in silence for a really long time, once again. So, it was a 15-minute drive to the park, so it was a 15-minute drive back. So, we're driving back and she parks the car. We still haven't said anything to each other. I'm getting ready to leave the car now. She looks at me and I look back at her and she goes, "This doesn't change who you are. This doesn't change how much I love you. This doesn't change anything about our relationship." 

 

And at that moment, this unexplainable feeling of happiness just washed over me. I couldn't believe that somebody in my family that was so religious could say something like that to me. And also, in that moment, it gave me hope that this world is changing for the better. Thank you.