Sofija Stefanovic - The Bathhouse

 

It's two years ago, and I've just moved to New York and I'm feeling a little bit lonely and weird. But I'm excited because my friend, Hannah, has come to visit me from Australia. It's her birthday and I'm taking her to this Russian bathhouse that I've heard about. I don't really care about bathhouses, but she does. And so, we're there. We're at the reception and we've decided we're just going to go in there, have a little relax and then go on and have lunch somewhere else. As I'm paying, I see that there's this little cafeteria area attached to the reception, and there's this smell of delicious Eastern European food. And there is this woman sitting, eating some stew. Let's just call her Sonja for the purposes of this story. 

 

So, Sonja's sitting there in a robe eating stew and she's looking over at us. And as the receptionist is selling the tickets, Sonja gets up and says to her in Russian, “Let me take care of these Australians.” Now, even though I sound like an Australian, I am actually a Serbian who was living in Australia, but I also speak a Slavic language, so I can understand the root words, so I could understand what she was saying. So, she says, “Actually, you want a massage and a mud treatment and it's going to cost this much more.” And so, I say, “No, no. Actually, we just want to go in to the bathhouse. We don't want any extras.” 

 

And then, to give her a clue that I'm onto her, I say like, “Spasiba” in Russian. She does not get the clue. [audience laughter] Instead, she takes us through to the bathhouse changing room area. It's women's only day, so we don't need to wear swimsuits. She gives us these towels that are about the size of a piece of toast, so you can either cover the front or the back, but not both. [audience laughter] She gives us those and she leads us into this area. It's the bathhouse area, and it seems familiar in a bad way, from my socialist Yugoslavian childhood. [audience laughter] It reminds me of some sort of a horrible municipal swimming pool. There's all these cracked tiles and this dirty water running down. 

 

I'm looking around and there's, like, lights that have gone off in places, and there's these women in the shadows washing each other with tiny bits of soap. [audience laughter] Hannah is looking around, and she says, “Oh, this seems so authentic.” And so, I decided like, [audience laughter] “Okay. Fine. I'm not going to say anything. I'm not going to ruin the day.” So, already in a little bit of a bad mood, we go into-- Me in a bad mood. She's [chuckles] fine. We go into the steam room, and we sit there in the darkness with other people's sweat falling on us. [audience laughter] 

 

Sonja walks in and she says, “Hey, it's time for your massage.” And I say, “No, we're not getting the massage.” And she's like, “Yeah, you're getting the massage and you're going to pay later.” And I say, “We're not getting the massage.” I sit there fuming a little bit. She leaves. I decide that I'm too hot now. So, I go back into the main area. I leave Hannah in the other people's sweat. [audience laughter] I see Sonja standing there. She's standing next to a colleague of hers. Sorry, she's naked now. We're all naked now. [audience laughter] She was wearing a robe before, but just remember that from now on everyone is naked, [audience laughter] because we're in this thing. 

 

And so, she's standing there with her hands on her hips. And next to her is her colleague, also with her hands on her hips. They're both is short, angry Eastern European women. She says to her colleague in Russian, “Hey, they booked in for two massages, but now they've canceled on us.” She calls her colleagues, she says, “Can you believe that, Magdalena?” And I say, “Hey, in English, Magdalena, do not believe her. She's lying. We did not book in for anything. Yet still, this person doesn't understand that I can understand what she's saying and she still thinks that I'm the Australian that she's trying to rip off.”

 

So, Magdalena just shrugs, and she picks up this gigantic branch and goes into the steam room, where I guess to beat Hannah [audience laughter] on her birthday. So, I'm like, “Okay. Well, I'm not going back in there.” So, I see this row of showers along the wall, and I decide, seeing as I have nothing else to do, and it's a tense, naked situation, [audience laughter] I'm just going to go and have a shower. So, I go there and I start showering. Sonja marches up, like shoves in next to me and turns off the water and she says, “You are showering for too long. Come and have a massage.” [audience laughter] 

 

I'm so angry. I'm really wet. I'm trying to dry myself with this tiny towel and be furious at the same time. I'm looking at her, and she's looking at me and I realize that I'm not only angry because she's trying to upsell me and she's following me around the bathhouse, but I'm also angry because I'm new and lonely here. I recognize in her something that's familiar, and it's something that reminds me a little bit of my home and of my family and where I come from. I want to be part of a gang. I want to be part of a team. I want her to accept me and recognize me the way that I recognize her, but she doesn't. She's just standing there, and she's angry and she's making her hands into fists as she's standing there, because she's furious that I [chuckles] don't want the massage. 

 

I start to think to myself, and I think, am I about to have, like, a fight with this small, elderly [chuckles] Russian woman, and we're both naked? [audience laughter] I look at her, and I size her up and I realize that even though she's quite a lot shorter than me, she's really, really strong. And also, she has a hometown advantage on the wet tiles. [audience laughter] So, I decide I'm not going to take the chance. But instead, I do just say my last little stand, and I say, “Ne zelim, massage ou.” Which means I do not want a massage in my language. I hope that she's going to make the connection. 

 

And I want to, like in my mind, I march out with dignity. But because of the tiles, I end up just really slowly [audience laughter] walking towards the changing rooms. And then, I get dressed and I have to sit out there in the cafeteria waiting for Hannah. As I'm waiting, I can't resist the smell of the delicious Eastern European food. So, I order some stew. I'm sitting there with a stew, stewing. [audience laughter] Some hipsters walk in, and Sonja comes out in her robe and she starts to upsell them. She glances over at me and I'm just sitting there with my stew, and she gives me this like the tiniest nod of acknowledgement. [audience laughter] She goes, she lures like the hipsters into her den and I can't help, but smile to myself. I eat the stew and it tastes a little bit like home. Thank you.