Anoush Froundjian - The Baptism

 

It's one thing to tell someone that you're Armenian. It's a completely different thing to explain to them just how Armenian you are. Because there are levels. First level Armenian is, “Hey, I'm Armenian. My last name ends with an I-A-N. Yay.” Second level is, “Hey, I'm Armenian. Are you going to the church picnic? I'm going to the church picnic. Okay, great. We'll see you at the church picnic.” Third level is [sings in Armenian language] So, it's important to know where you are in all of that, whether you're by yourself or whether you're around other Armenians or whether you've been proposed to by the man of your dreams who is not Armenian. How do you explain this to someone from Baton Rouge, Louisiana? 

 

And let me just say. Justin knew I was Armenian from the start. He knew from the beginning that I went to an Armenian day school, that I spoke a different language and that I'd sometimes go to social events where people would spontaneously grab pinkies and whip handkerchiefs in the air, but there's more. [audience laughter] 

 

If you walked into Holy Martyrs Armenian Day School, which is a school that my grandmother founded, and pulled little Anoush Froundjian on the side and said, “One day, you're going to marry a normal man with a normal last name,” like a real American last name like the kind that starts with an M and a C, and who knows how to do normal things like play pool and play poker and who understands American football. She would have said [Armenian language], which means, what, are you crazy? Because I still knew even at a young age that there is a big world out there. Full of people with names like Lindsy [audience laughter] and full of people who didn't care that Cher was Armenian. [audience laughter] I knew that I had to keep this all a secret in order to be safe. 

 

But as the wedding got closer and closer, I had to start coming to terms with a couple of things and admitting some things to myself. I don't think I can get married in a converted barn. [audience laughter] I need to get married at Holy Martyrs and Bayside, New York, with a priest with a beard and a nose who's going to put gold crowns on our heads and where the best man will hold a cross over us and where we'll exit the church to the sound of celebratory Armenian hymns with the accompaniment of cymbals, which is offered as an option, in addition, [audience laughter] after which our family will dance in circles for hours and hours and hours. 

 

When I asked Justin, his reaction was, “Sure. Yeah, just let me know where I got to be,” because he's kind and decent. But he also didn't know what he was getting himself into. [audience laughter] I mean, this is the Armenian church we're talking about here. It's old fashioned, it's sexist and it's Christian, but like the old kind of Christian, like the kind that's dark and smoky and all the men have beards like Frank Zappa. When they hold that little cross out to you, you're going to have to kiss that thing. [audience laughter] And Justin says, “Am I going to have to get baptized for this?” And I said, “No, no.” God, he's scared already. I said, “No, no. No, because you've probably been baptized before, right?” And he said, “I don't think so.” And he said, because his family-- 

 

Religion wasn't a part of his childhood. The first big tradition that his family celebrates is the one that he created, which is the annual pool tournament. [audience laughter] So, he pulls out his phone and says, “I know, I'll text my mom.” So, he texts his mom and says, “Hey, mom, quick question. Was I ever baptized?” And she responds, “No, you're a heathen.” [audience laughter] So, we get on the train to meet with Father [unintelligible 00:25:07] at Holy Martyrs, whose first reaction to Justin is, “You're not Armenian? Oh my God.” Because Justin looks really Armenian. I mean, he's got the eyebrows and the face and more handkerchiefs than God. [audience laughter] But the questions get more and more intense, like, “Do you believe in God, the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit? And then do you know that the Armenians were the first people to accept Christianity?” Then whipping out names like St. Gregory the Illuminator and Vardan Mamigonian. I'm going, “Slow down. Too fast, too fast.” 

 

We eventually plan for an April 14th baptism in addition to several one-on-one sessions that Justin will meet with the priest for to prepare for the event. And on the ride home, it's quiet and I'm-- I feel this shame and embarrassment. But what I'm afraid of, what I'm really afraid of-- No, what I need is for him to not find this whole thing ridiculous. Because this Armenian thing, it's pretty goofy, but it's mine. It's really important that I not be laughed at right now. And out of nowhere he says, “You know what? I like talking to the father.” And he goes, “Look, I just want to marry you. If I have to renounce Satan for that, fine, [audience laughter] I'll walk over hot coals. I don't give a fuck,” which is all I or any Armenian bride could ever hope for. Thank you.