Jesse Berdinka - Sweet Pickles

 

 

Sorry, I've to adjust this. When I was 10 years old, my parents got divorced. And things were pretty bad for us financially, especially at the holidays. About a month before my 10th Christmas, I come home to the house with my brothers from school. My mom is sitting in the living room talking to this elderly gentleman. I don't know who he is, but I know who he is. His name is Mr. Sorrels and he owns a local auto parts store. 

 

Everybody know here in this audience, if you're ever from a small town, you know a Mr. Sorrels. This is the guy who was like the deacon at the church, the head of the Rotary Club and everything else. I didn't know much about him personally except a few things. One, he was elderly. Two, he was wealthy. He always had those golf pants with the ducks on them, like in Caddyshack. He actually had the only Mercedes in my town, so I knew he had to be like a millionaire or something like that. 

 

The other thing that I knew about him was, is that he was famous in my town for being a hero. He was a marine in the Battle of Tarawa in the South Pacific during World War II, one of the bloodiest battles in Marine Corps history. And for the life of me, I could not figure out what this guy is doing sitting in our living room. He comes out and he just tells us right away. He says, “My name is Mr. Sorrels. I am the commander of the local Veterans of Foreign Wars, the VFW. Every year, we pick a deserving family of underprivileged youths to buy Christmas presents for. So, we've picked your family this year, and we want you to think long and hard about what you would like for Christmas, within reason, and I'm going to come back in a week and get your list.” So, he leaves. 

 

My brother and I think we've just made like the payday. We're like, “This is like the greatest thing ever.” And my mom, of course, like, “Don't be a jerk. You're going to ruin this for every kid after you.” [audience laughter] So, we think long and hard about what we're going to get. He comes back a week later, and he sits down and he says, “Okay, you've thought about it?” And he goes to my brother and he says, “Marty, what would you like for Christmas?” My brother looks at him very seriously and says, “I would like a case of Campbell's soup.” Campbell's soup. And Mr. Sorrels, to his credit, without even batting an eyelash, looks at him and says, “What flavor?” [audience laughter] And my brother's like, “Oh, my God, I didn't think about that. Chicken noodle. No, cream of potato. No, chicken noodle, chicken noodle.” 

 

So, then he looks at me-- My brother's an idiot, so I'm not going to pick soup for a Christmas present, that's ridiculous. So, he looks at me and he says, “Jesse, what do you want?” And I said, “I would like a case of kosher dill pickles. [audience laughter] And not the store brand kind, because those all are yellow, look like people peed in the jar. I went Vlasic with the stork on the side. I want the really sour ones.” 

 

So, my mom could not be here tonight, but she wants everybody in the audience to know two things. One, she's mortified to think that you might leave here thinking that she didn't feed us. Well, she did feed us. [audience laughter] And two, that despite her best efforts, we were just very bizarre children, so very bizarre children. [audience laughter] So, about a couple days before Christmas, the VFW comes out, and they are all dressed in their suits and ties. They've got those flat caps with their post number and everything on like this. And they're dressed to the nines. They come out and they put-- We're in our pajamas and they put these big boxes on our lap. 

 

My brother goes first. He rips off that paper, and there it is, that beautiful scarlet script lettering that says Campbell's on the side. But something is wrong. The top has been open, and I know it. I knew this was too good to be true. It's a bait and switch. It's going to be like ShopRite clam chowder in there or something like that. [audience laughter] So, my brother picks up one can and he’s like, “Campbell's Chicken Noodle.” He picks up another can, “Campbell's Cream of Potato. Oh, my God, they mixed to match a case for me. Oh, my God, this is the greatest present ever.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, then they come to me and they put the case on my lap. I'm ripping it off. All I can think about is that sour. If you're a pickle lover, you love that when that sourness hits the back of your jaw, it's like the greatest feeling ever. And I rip it off, and there it is, that stork with the conductor's cap. The weirdest logo in the world that says Vlasic on the side of it. [audience laughter] I rip open the top, and I grab that jar and I'm so happy. I'm beaming from ear to ear. As I look at the jar, my happiness turns to sorrow and I start to cry, hysterically cry. And Mr. Sorrels comes over to me and he says, “Jesse, this is what you wanted, right? You wanted Dill pickles for Christmas, right?” [audience laughter] 

 

I'm trying to talk to him through the tears. I'm like, “Yes, I love Dill pickles, but--” And I turned the jar to him, “These are sweet gherkins.” [audience laughter] Everyone knows sweet gherkins are the assholes of the pickle world [audience laughter] Complete assholes. So, Mr. Sorrels bends down and he says, “Damn it.” And he starts to cry too. [audience laughter] He's crying, not because he remembered a fellow marine who had fallen at the battle of Tarawa, he's crying because he bought a 10-year-old boy the wrong pickles for Christmas. [audience laughter] 

 

Mr. Sorrels made me put on my shoes, in my pajamas, put on a coat, and him and the rest of the VFW drove me to ACME, and they bought me every damn jar of pickles off the shelf. [audience laughter and applause] 

 

 

Seven years later, I walked into a recruiting center at the Blue Hen Mall in Dover, Delaware, and I became a United States Marine. [audience cheers and applause] 

 

A very small part of that was because of the kindness Mr. Sorrels showed me and my brother all those years before. I learned a lot of things in my time in the Marine Corps, but one thing they never taught me, is that unless you know exactly what you're doing, pickles make a horrible gift. Thank you very much.