Marissa - Surprise at my Dissertation defense

 

 

One year, eight months and eleven days ago was the biggest day of my life to that point. It was the day that I would finally, officially fulfill my lifelong dream of becoming a scientist. I'm obsessed with science. I especially like worms, bugs, parasites, ants, mosquitoes. I like mosquitoes so much that my husband saves them from me when he kills them, so I can identify what species they are. [audience laughter]

 

To become a scientist, you have to get a PhD. And at that time, I had been working towards my PhD for five long, difficult years. At the culmination of this process, I have to give my dissertation defense or defend my research, which is composed of an hour-long presentation to the general public, friends, family, whoever wants to come, and my dissertation committee, which was composed of five experts in my field. 

 

After I'm done with that presentation, I sit for two hours and they question me on why I did, what I did, how I did. And then they ultimately decide whether I pass or fail. If I fail, that is the end of the road for me as a scientist. My life’s dream crushed. 

 

The room where I was to give my defense was small, but it was packed with about 30 or so people, standing room only. There were people out the door. My PowerPoint presentation was projected against a wall. Immediately to the left of it were video projections of people who were live videoconferencing in. They were projected really big. Their faces looking at the computer, and I remember thinking to myself, I really hope that they know that their faces are being projected on this wall right next to my presentation and don't do anything embarrassing. [audience laughter]

 

So, here we are. March 29th, 2018, 12 o’clock noon. Everything in my life had led up to this moment. It's go time. I start. “Hi, my name is Marissa. Thank you for coming to my defense. Today, I will be speaking about the effects of SIV on adipose tissue. When out of the corner of my eye.” I see a notification pop up on that video conference wall. It says someone has joined the meeting. And it's my mom. [audience laughter] And I'm so excited, because my mom was able to watch my defense from where she lives in Florida. Well, I was excited. Until her video clicks on, and suddenly, all you see is my mom, fresh from the shower, wearing nothing but a towel from the waist down. [audience cheers and laughter]

 

I scream bloody murder. “Oh, God, mom, no…” I run to the front of the room. I smash myself against the wall to cover her naked body failing to realize that she is now being projected directly on my back. [audience laughter] I also don't realize, because I can't see but everyone else can see, that she hears me scream and army style, drops to the floor and rolls slowly out of the frame. [audience cheers and laughter]

 

I'm still here. Yeah. So, I am staring at the audience in horror. [audience laughter] No one says a word. [audience laughter] And finally, I plead, “Can somebody please help me?” After what feels like the longest 60 seconds of my life, IT cuts the feed. [audience laughter]

 

I walk back to the podium slowly processing the situation, struggling to breathe. And I look up and I make eye contact with my fiancé, who has just seen my mother's tits.  [audience laughter] Then I make eye contact with my dad, who has just seen my mom and his recent ex-wife expose herself to an entire room full of strangers. Then I make eye contact with my dissertation committee, all five of them who are sitting front and center, who have all just seen my mother's breasts. I have no choice. I have to continue. And so, I take a deep breath, I gather myself and I proceed one more time into my presentation. 

 

So, after the presentation's over, I sit down for the two hours of questioning. I also found out after the fact that everything happened so fast that half of the room thought I was just losing my mind [audience laughter] and that this was all part of my presentation. [audience laughter]

 

Yeah. By the way, I passed. Love you, mom.