Jake Haller - Stepping Into Me

 

Hello. So, when I was younger, explaining myself was very common. And I hated that. When little kids came up to me on the playground and asked me, “Are you a boy or a girl?” I just ran away. It was a mix of not knowing how to answer this question and not wanting to answer this question. When they asked me if I was a boy or a girl, I didn't know how to explain to them that I was a little girl that like liked Tinkerbell. When all the other girls like liked Peter Pan. I didn't know how to explain to them that I had a boy side of the closet and a girl side and I picked every morning what I wanted to be. 

 

 I didn't know how to explain to them that when they called me little boy, I like how it felt, but I needed to correct them and they needed to call me little girl. When I ran from these questions, I just wanted to be me. I did that for a while. But one day, I was walking home from sixth grade, and I walked into my house and Alex was sitting on my bed-- on my couch. Alex was my sister Ananda's friend from high school. He was just automatically cool just because he was in high school. But it was even cooler when I sat down on the couch with him, and we talked about skateboarding and my likes and dislikes. He really found interest in me, and I just felt amazing. 

 

But when Alex left that night and Ananda asked me how I liked him, what I thought, of course, I told her he was awesome. But she continued to explain to me that Alex was born a girl and Alex lives fully now as a boy. She explained to me what this word meant, and she explained this word transgender to me. As soon as she told me what was possible, I grabbed the word and took it. Fireworks went off in my head that instant, and I realized what was possible. I found this word that might just be the answer to all the people's questions. I found the word that finally described me. So, I grabbed this word and ran to my room. And only one night of that word bouncing around in my head, I knew it was mine. 

 

You see, it's different for everybody. Some people find the word and find themselves. Some people find themselves and then they find the word. But for me, I just needed that word and I needed that push, and I need the right moment to tell the world. And this was it. So, the next morning, I barged into my sister's room and told her, I'm like Alex. I told her that I wanted to live as a boy. I told her I wanted to go by he/him pronouns. Ananda grabbed me and hugged me and embraced me. She told me she loved me. I told her that I couldn't wait any longer and needed to tell my mom that night. So, she sat me on her bed, and we got everything in order. We made a list of names. We made a list of next steps. We did research. 

 

And in that moment, my heart was so full, because I knew we were building me to be the person I was always meant to be. I knew these were big steps in my life. So, as that night came along, I grabbed Ananda's hand and marched down the stairs. I sat at my mom's desk and Ananda sat right down next to me. I looked in my mom's eyes and I told her, “I'm transgender. I want to go by he/him pronouns. I want to use the name Jake.” And in that moment, I looked in my mom's eyes. And of course, I expected fear. I expected her to be caught off guard. But I looked in her eyes, and all I saw was pure love. I saw a mother looking at her son, and all the memories came flooding back to me. 

 

I remembered her every now and then, checking in on me and asking how I felt in my body. I remember all the conversations about the LGBTQ community and how she would constantly tell me, “It's okay for everybody to be who they are.” I just felt pure love in that moment and I knew that that was my label. But my experience with that label and that word, transgender, did not stop there. As I grew up and as I got more settled with myself as a transman, I found myself hiding. It felt like I was right back on the playground. I felt the need to prove myself as a man so much, I was hiding myself. And that's how I felt until very recently. 

 

But I took a step back, and I thought about all my experiences and I realized I love the feminine parts of me. I love my experience as a little girl. I've loved my experience as a trans boy. Those experiences have made me the strongest man I could be, because I had the strength to do that. I love that I'm not your normal man, and I love that women have made me the man I am today. I love and I hate the word, transgender, because I love it for helping me, but I hate it because it's not the only thing that defines me. I am who I am, and my label is not a box. Thank you.