Steve Clark - Rocky, The Lag Bus, and Me

 

 

I'm from Philadelphia, but I've always wanted to be like one of those ancient Greek heroes. I just never really had the body for it, but my twin brother, Mike, has. In high school, when he made the varsity basketball team, I was doing varsity model UN, [audience laughter] and little league in baseball. He batted second or third. I batted 13th on our dad's team. [audience laughter] I think it was probably even to the point where-- 

 

My brother's always been really helpful and generous with his athletic gift. I think when we were sperm, [audience laughter] he probably said something like, “Look, you're not going to make it there in time. Just latch onto one of my buff flagella and I'll take you to victory.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, last June on my birthday, I turned 31 and I realized my time with this awkward unathletic body was running out, so I signed up for the Philadelphia Marathon. I posted about it on Facebook. A lot of people were like, “That's awesome.” But people who really knew me are like, “Steve, are you sure?” [audience laughter] It was great in the summer, because I'm a teacher, and yeah, I get my summers off, so I could run whenever I wanted. But then, the school year came, and I wanted to sleep and I have asthma. [audience laughter] 

 

So, November came. I got up, got dressed for the run, went down and I was like, “I'm going to give this a go.” I wasn't in the best shape, but I was more ready than I would ever be. I was running with a friend, we were in the last pack, the slowest pack, and she said, “You need a mantra.” She said, hers was, “My mind is strong, my Heart is strong, my body is strong.” I'm Catholic, so mine was, Dear God, please let me not die. Amen. [audience laughter] 

 

So, we started running. It's going great for the first little bit, but then I hit mile two. [audience laughter] There's this guy with a sign on his back that says two knee replacements, and he's flying past me. [audience laughter] But at mile six, my brother comes out to join me to run with me. Well, I'm running, he's walking. [audience laughter] He's giving me advice. The way the Philly marathon works is they have the marathon and the half marathon on the same day. 

 

So, we get to mile 13, and there's all these people. Everybody's really excited. And he's like, “Do you want to keep going? You don't have to. You can just get the half.” I'm like, “No, I'm going to keep going.” I go 10 more feet, and there's no one with me, like it feels like I'm in last place. And so, I start running past the art museum, and I get to about mile 17 and I see this van with blinking lights. I ask someone what that is, and they say, “Oh, that's the lag bus that picks up people who are running a pace under a seven-hour marathon.” 

 

So, I get to mile 20 and my legs are broken down. Just about as I hit mile 21 and hit the home stretch down towards the Philly Art Museum, a guy in a tricycle pulls up next to me [audience laughter] and he says, “Steve, right? You are now officially the last person in the marathon.” I'm like, “Greek heroes always have a tragic flaw.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, I really want to give up. But then, I think like, about four or five miles down the road, maybe I'm not a Greek hero. Maybe I'm more like-- I'm trying to think why we idolize Rocky so much in Philadelphia. It's because he's dumb, [audience laughter] and he just took a lot of pain and a lot of abuse. I am in a lot of pain, and this feels like the dumbest thing I've ever done. But I walk up to the guy in the van and I'm like, “I have seven hours, right?” And he says, “Yeah, technically.” [audience laughter] And I'm like, “All right, I'm going to keep going.”

 

He's three feet behind me, and I'm struggling to move. I get to mile 22, and I get to mile 23. There's a cop there and I ask, “Can you please pull him over?” [audience laughter] At mile 24 and a half, I hit the seven-hour mark, and a van from the cleanup crew pulls in front of me and the lag bus driver pulls up next to me and he says, “You're fine. Just keep going. I'll get him.” [audience cheers and applause]

 

So, I make it to mile 25 and 26. At that point, there's point two left and the announcer who I thought was a dick about it, said “Though he is well over the allotted time. [audience laughter] The last person who did not make any side routes we checked to finish the 2015 Philadelphia Marathon is Steve Clark.” The mayor comes up to me and he shakes my hand. 

He's like, “I just wanted to stay till the bitter end.” He gets out of there. [audience laughter] 

Epilogue. 

 

Philly is not experiencing a great era in its sports teams. Though I would never be like my brother, never be this Greek athletic hero, and though I had just lost the marathon to everyone in Philadelphia, [audience laughter] it still felt like a win to me. Thank you.