Amanda Gorman - Roar

 

I'm going to be a mighty king like no king before. Everybody look left, look right, everywhere you look, I'm standing in the spotlight. These were the words that I repeated to myself as I walked into the LA audition room, where 100 other girls were trying out to be Nala on Broadway, New York. The air smelled of Hollywood and desperation. You know, it was crammed with these monster mothers and the savage children. You have no idea. These kids are like little demons. They'll step the foot out to chip you. They'll be doing pirouettes on around just to show off. Randomly, just do a backflip, because they can, whatever. And walking in, I was just really glad that I would never be [chuckles] like that and that most of all, my mom would never be like one of those crazy, loco stage moms. 

 

I walked in and I remember her saying, “Amanda, don't worry about it. Just have fun and try your best.” I remember being in the corner, having my name on my back, doing my dance moves, stretching, getting it on. And a mother walks by and she goes, “That's cute, but it's not amateur night.” [audience laughter] Yes. My mom snapped. She went, “Hell nah. I know that lady didn't say that to my daughter.” The lion of the king grew out. All of a sudden, it was just no lines drawn. Yelling nasty comments at the other girls like, “Mm-hmm. I'm sure you other white girls didn't get the memo, but Lion King takes place in Africa. [audience laughter] You can't learn melanin, honey, okay? Can't do makeup for that.” [audience laughter] 

 

I'm in the corner trying to pretend that my mom isn't my mom. My twin sister's there. She's there, not really for emotional support, but just to let me know how much I can fail. So, she comes up to me and she's like, “Yo, Amanda, I know you're nervous to audition, because you have a speech impediment and everything, and an auditory processing disorder and you look like the black girl version of Vessel brand. [audience laughter] But just have fun and be yourself.” My mom said, “Move out the way. You can have fun when I have my one-way ticket to New York City.” “Mom, what about being myself?” “Being yourself won't get mommy. 

 

I mean, Amanda to The Lion King. Amanda, come over here. There's something you need to learn. You need to put yourself out there. So, when you see the casting director, tell him you've already menstruated, you're post-pubescent, you won't grow, you'll look nine forever. [audience laughter] And if that doesn't work out, you can always, you know, act like a monkey walking your hands or some crap like that. They might cast you as Rafiki.” I am trying to hear what my mom says, but also stay sane. I remember closing my eyes and just feeling I was so close to my dream. In my head, I saw myself loud and proud on a stage in front of a crowd, proving that a girl who was black and skinny and geeky and had a speech impediment could make it to Broadway. 

 

Finally, after a little bit, they call my number. I walk into the audition room and in my head, I'm reciting the lyrics. I'm going to be a mighty king like no king before. I'm working on my roar, trying to be heard but these words don't sound right. Could I ever be in the spotlight? I'm there in front of the casting director and I remember what my mom told me. So, I said, “Yo, [audience laughter] good news. I've already had my period, so this is as high as I'm going to get. I can stay Nala for a really long time, if you know what I mean.” I cannot imitate his face. I'm not going to try it. And then, I tell him, “I know I just sang that little mighty king song, but I have other stuff in me. (tries to sing opening sequence of The Lion King] And then, I heard my mom's voice in my head telling me to pull out all the stops, that if worst came to worst and this was worst at the moment, I should walk on my hands or something and like act like a monkey. 

 

So, I do not lie. I stepped back [audience laughter] and walked on my hands out of the audition. [audience laughter] True. I was waiting there with the other girls. Everyone's so tense. The monster moms are pushing people out the way, so they can hear. They start listing the names of people who get callbacks and I'm so excited and they haven't called my name yet. And the casting director comes out and says, “Thank you everyone for coming. That is all.” 

 

I remember feeling so broken by what was supposed to be my big break. My mom came over to me and said, “You know, it's okay. You tried your best. You're always going to be Nala in my heart.” Part of me was so glad to know that I would never be like one of those girls who made it to Broadway, because I would still make it here. I'd still make it to now. Being loud and proud in front of a crowd on a stage where I know I am a mighty king, mightier than before. I might be working on my war but look left, look right here I am tonight in the spotlight.