Maura Schneider - Return To Sender

 

 

I once lived in a world where sex was only practice between two consenting Barbie dolls. [audience laughter] My best friend, Emily, and I spent so many unsupervised hours when we were seven in her basement, kneeling in front of Barbie's dream house in carefully unvelcroing blouses and pressing nippleless boobs against chiseled chests and giggling. [audience laughter] 

 

And then, when we’re eight, the summer we were eight, we emerged from that dark basement, and we went to the pool, and we realized that non-plastic living boys could also make us giggle. We would whisper about the cutest ones and laugh when they belly flopped or tried to eat a whole hot dog in one bite. There was one boy who ruled them all, this muscly blond middle schooler named Scott. 

 

When he was there, I felt like there was a magnet in my chest pulling me towards him. He was so beautiful. It was like the world was brighter and better when he was there. Emily liked him too, my best friend. And so, we would tread water next to him trying to get his attention. [audience laughter] She was really bold, so she'd say things like, “Looks like that modeling contract's going to come through Scott.” [audience laughter] Or, time my underwater handstand. I was really shy. I would try and talk, but I would just stare at him, [audience laughter] hoping that that would evolve into a romantic relationship. [audience laughter] 

 

Instead, after a week of being these perpetual giggling shadows next to him, Scott got tired of it, and he pushed us away from him in the pool and yelled, “Ugh, you guys are so annoying. Just leave me alone.” I was heartbroken. Emily and I gathered up our stuff and ran back to her house. Once we had changed, we went back down to the basement with where we were just seething with anger. 

 

See, we'd been playing relationships for years now with dolls, and stories, and movies and the girl and the boy always get together. We had no framework for rejection. Before I go on, I just want to remind you that there are a lot of adults in the world who do not know how to handle rejection without lashing out. And I still had 12 of my baby teeth. [audience laughter] So, we started plotting like, I wanted to take that pain and get it out of me and onto Scott. [audience laughter] I do not know why, but the solution was a letter, a sexy letter, [audience laughter] a sexy prank letter. 

 

We would write a letter, and sign it from a made-up name and it would drive him crazy. He would never be able to find her, so we'd win. [audience laughter] So, we started writing. Emily had better handwriting. So, she was doing most of the writing. She was coming up with some real good lines about butts. [audience laughter] I was inspired by all of those hours of research at Barbie's dream house. I said, write this down. I want to get naked and hug and kiss you. [audience laughter] It was the best. We signed it Love Sally, because we thought that was the sexiest woman's name. [audience laughter] 

 

We ran over to his house, and jammed it in the mail slot when the coast was clear, and then we ran home and played it cool. Because I was eight, the next morning, I had basically forgotten about it. [audience laughter] I was playing dolls in my second-floor bedroom, and I looked out the window and there's Scott marching down the street with his brother, and he's holding the letter. [audience laughter] My mom was working. My sister was watching us. She and Scott were the same year in school. I shouted down to her, “Don't let him in.” But okay. My sister's awesome, but she was like, “Not very cool in school and Scott was.” She chose status over sisterhood [audience laughter] and escorted him upstairs. 

 

I panicked and ran to the bathroom to hide, but our bathroom door didn't lock, so I had to jam my shoulder against the wall against the door. Scott and his brother and my own sister are pushing on the other side. But I've got a lot of adrenaline, so I'm holding my own. [audience laughter] Every once in a while, the door pops open, and Scott and I make eye contact in the mirror. He's still so cute. [audience laughter] I pop it back and he starts interrogating me. I'm denying everything, everything. It's the longest conversation that we've ever had. 

 

And then, he's like, “Who's Sally? Who's Sally?” And I'm like, “I don't know. I don’t know” And then, “Who's Sally?” And I say, I think she goes to Emily's school. He leaves. He goes down. I'm like, “Oh, my God, he bought it. I'm in the clear.” And then, I think, dang, I sold out my best friend really quick. [audience laughter] And then, I'm like, “Can we still have that romantic relationship?” Well, surprise, it was not over. Scott's mom called my mom and Emily's mom, and they had what must have been the most awkward conversation [audience laughter] my mom has ever had as a mom. 

 

Afterwards she came home, and came up to my room and sat on my bed and said, “Maura, do you have any questions about your body or [audience laughter] your feelings?” And I'm like, “Oh my God, no, no, I don't want to talk about this.” But when I open my mouth, I just start crying. I'm embarrassed, and I know I'm in trouble, but I started this summer thinking that sex was just a game that you played with adults. And then, in the last 24 hours, I had burst into this world of shame, and rejection and erotic revenge letters. [audience laughter] And now, everybody in my neighborhood knew that I knew what sex was. I realized once you go into that world, you can never go back. Thank you.