Matt Storrs - Other Medical Conditions

 

 

My freshman year of college, I got scurvy. [audience laughter] So, for those of you wondering if I did a semester at sea in the 1860s, [audience laughter] the answer is no. Basically, what happened is there was a diner next to my dorm that sold low-cost chicken fingers that were even lower in vitamin C. [audience laughter] So, I just ate those for three months. 

 

And eventually, my partner at the time was really concerned, because I was really getting fatigued, I was getting irritable, my gums were bleeding, [audience laughter] which was weird, because I'm the type of person that has a reminder in his phone to floss every day. It shouldn't have been happening. She was worried that I had an STI. So, she was like, “Hey, go to the doctor.” I go to the doctor. They run some tests on me, ask me some questions. And at the end, my doctor's like, “Have you ever had an orange? [audience laughter] Matt, you have scurvy.” [audience laughter] And he wrote me a prescription for orange juice. [audience laughter] But to rule anything else out, he said, “Hey, go down the hallway, get your blood drawn by the phlebotomist.” 

 

I have a needle fear, so it's like, “Okay, I can do this.” I go down the hallway, I get my blood drawn and I faint. When I wake up, my doctor is standing over to me and he's like, “Matt, you fainted. You're going to be okay. But from now on, you have to tell any medical providers what happened today,” which I took to mean that I had to tell them that I faint and that I had scurvy. [audience laughter] 

 

For six years, [audience laughter] I told every doctor that I had scurvy [audience laughter] on every medical intake form. [audience laughter] It says, “What conditions do you have?” I'm like, “Oh, fainting. Yeah, I can check that.” And the other section-- I was one of the few people that ever filled out the other section. [audience laughter] I wrote scurvy. [audience laughter] My doctors would be like, “Oh, you have fainting? What's the situation with that? Okay, that's fine. [audience laughter] So, are you a pirate?” [audience laughter]

 

I decide I am going to take care of myself. I decide to do a dental procedure that I had been putting off. I go to the dentist's office, and they lay me down, and they have another needle, and they're putting this painkiller in my mouth and I faint again. But when I wake up, the dental hygienist is concerned, because my body shook and she thought I had a seizure. So, she called the EMTs. They came, and they got my medical chart [audience laughter] and they're like “Fainting? That's what this is? Hmm. Are you still not eating fruits and vegetables? [audience laughter] You know, scurvy isn't a chronic condition.” [audience laughter] I'm like, “I didn't know that.” He's like, “Yeah, you don't have to disclose that.” And I'm like, “I need to talk to my doctor.” [audience laughter] 

 

I actually did. I had to get a medical clearance to get that dental procedure done. So, I went back to my doctor's office, and I get in and I talk to my doctor, and he's like, “Yeah, you had a vasovagal response. Not a big deal. You can have the procedure.” And I'm like, “Yeah, one other thing. Why didn't you tell me I didn't have to disclose that I had scurvy?” He's like, “I just thought you were making a joke. It was really funny, man.” [audience laughter] I'm like, “I talked to you about how embarrassed I was. That's why I got on anti-anxiety medication.” He's like, “That's not why.” [audience laughter] 

 

He's like, “Hey, just to rule anything out, go get your blood drawn. Go down the hall.” I don't know if it's the fact that I have unburdened myself of this anxiety and this embarrassment for all these years or the fact that I had to confront my doctor, but I faint again. [audience laughter] And this time, my doctor's standing over me and he's like, “Matt, you're going to be fine.” And I'm like, “Yeah, I understand. Thank you very much for all of your help. But I think I need to see another doctor.” And for those of you wondering, worried, it's going to be okay. I now take a multivitamin. [audience laughter] Thank you.