Otis Gray - No Peaches

 

I have a degree in sculpture from Rhode Island School of Design. So, naturally, I now have seven years’ experience waiting tables. [audience laughter] I actually love serving tables. Like, I love giving people an exquisite dining experience. And food has always been a really big thing for me. You can actually make a ton of money as a server if you have the right job. But there's a catch. All of your money comes completely from tips, which means you have to be intelligent, you need to be efficient, you have to seem happy. [audience laughter] When shit hits the fan, because it always does, you have to apologize, you have to say, “I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” The stuff that you have to deal with as a server is absolutely ridiculous. 

 

One time during a busy service, I had a woman pay for a $35 meal completely in change. I had one dude who ate a four-course meal alone and refused to pay, because the restaurant was just a little too hot. I had a table try to set me up on an actual arranged marriage with their daughter who was there. [audience laughter] You deal with this shit all the time, but all you can do is smile and nod, because you need the job, you need to get paid. But I went to art school, so I had this problem with authority, I guess. [audience laughter] 

 

So, when I was in senior of college, Providence, Rhode Island, I got this really great job at a high-end Italian restaurant. Killer food, really, really good staff. I was walking out with like over $200 in my pocket every night. They had this rule where if a table didn't finish their bottle of wine, you could cork it and take it home. Great rule. [audience laughter] It was awesome. But there's still you have this job where every night, it feels like you're dying a little bit. [audience laughter] 

 

So, one night, we're working in the restaurant and I am deep in the weeds. Basically, that means that shit has hit the fan. There is, you cannot make all of your tables happy. It is a triage situation. It is absolute chaos. It's like I'm running around, it's halfway through the night and out of the corner of my eye, I see this woman come in the door. I know this woman is going to steer this ship into the iceberg. [audience laughter] I see this woman and she is so visibly intoxicated, like she just reeks 20 feet away. She's with two really stylish gay gentlemen that are walking in with her and she stumbles over the table, barely makes it there. She flops down in the seat and I'm like, “All right, I'm going to deal with this.” 

 

So, I run up and I say, “How are you, folks? My name is Otis. I'll be your server tonight.” These two dudes are very visibly judging me, because even though I was wearing my uniform, I guess they could tell I was a slob on the inside. [audience laughter] This woman's like, “Listen, Oscar. [audience laughter] We want bread and olives, and we want you to come right back.” I'm like, “All right, I'm Oscar. Okay.” So, I go get the bread and the olives, and I bring it back, and I'm running around the restaurant and I'm going by her table, and she grabs my arm, which you don't do. And I'm like, “I'm sorry, miss. How can I help you?” She's like, “I want to order.” I'm like, “Fantastic. I'll be right with you.” 

 

I'm running around, because table five needs two packets of Splenda, and table nine kids spilled chocolate milk all over his dad's steak. He's pissed. This woman starts yelling across the entire restaurant, “Oscar.” [audience laughter] Everyone's so furious at me and her and the whole thing. So, I'm running over, I'm like, “Yes, miss, how can I help you?” She's like, “Listen Oscar, I want this Pinot Grigio because it's from my favorite region, but I don't want to taste any peaches.” I'm like, “All right, miss. This particular Pinot Grigio does have notes of peaches in it.” Like it says right on the menu. “I want this Pinot Grigio, but that better not taste any peaches.” [audience laughter] 

 

And I go and I put the Pinot in, and it comes to her table, and I'm running by again, and she grabs my arm again and she shoves the glass of wine into my face, pours the wine on my uniform. “Smell this. What do you smell?” “Peaches. Peaches.” “I said I didn't want any peaches, Oscar.” Dudes are loving this. They are dying. And the whole restaurant is in flames. I know that this woman isn't even going to tip me. I'm not going to even-- I don't benefit at all from this. I know I should, I should apologize and say sorry and walk away, but I snapped and I thought, I'm going to sell this woman the most expensive bottle of wine on the goddamn menu. [audience laughter] The Bodega Noemia Malbec, which is a $450 bottle of wine, because I know these two dudes aren't drinking. And if she has another sip, she's going to have to get her stomach pumped. I am not usually good at selling wine, but for peaches lady, the shit was on. [audience laughter] 

 

So, I said, “Miss, if you didn't like that Pinot Grigio, I think I have something that you'll really enjoy.” It was a masterpiece. It was like a ballet. [audience laughter] I was like, “Miss, this Malbec has notes of mocha and dark plum and you can feel the smoke. And the vines were coddled from a young age by a man named Raphael who sung the grapes to sleep every night. [audience laughter] And since you know your region so well, you'll know that the soil in the Rio Negro Valley is exquisite.” 

 

These dudes did not see this coming. She is entranced. And I said, “Miss, this Malbec is simply an experience. [audience laughter] And you seem like the kind of person who knows that life is too short to let these experiences [audience laughter] pass you by.” Will take one bottle of the Malbec Oscar.” Bottle comes to her table. We open it up, and she has a sip and she passes out on the table. [audience laughter] Her fine gentleman put her arms over their shoulders and they drag her out the front door. 02:30 AM that night, I leave the restaurant. I made no money. I was exhausted. But I did walk the beautiful streets of Providence, Rhode Island, sipping Bodega [audience laughter] Noemia Malbec straight from the bottle.