Jennifer Lubin - My Beef with Little Orphan Annie

 

So, the happiest day of my life was the day that I realized that my mom was not going to give me up for adoption. Now, mind you, my mom was never going to give me up for adoption, nor did she ever threaten to do that. But I was a seven-year-old drama queen in the second grade at the time and I had managed to convince myself that the possibility of her giving me away was going to be real. So why did I think that? Well, the young lady that triggered my fear was known by many to be one of America's sweethearts. To me, she was a sneaky rascal, a tap dancing red haired one, otherwise known as Little Orphan Annie. [audience laughter] 

 

Now, for the record, I did not dislike Annie from the very beginning. I actually loved her a lot when the 1980s version of the movie came out on video. And she quickly became one of my heroes, along with Wonder Woman, She-Ra and Punky Brewster, of course. Now, [chuckles] we used to watch the movie regularly on the weekends. And the problem was, after a while, I started to think that my mom thought that Annie was cooler than I was, which is why I started to resent her. 

 

So, the thing is, as a kid, I considered myself to be the apple of my mom's eye. I was a good kid, I got good grades, I did as I was told, I didn't get into any trouble. So, when my mom started referring to Annie as her little girl, it struck a chord in me and I felt like she wanted to swap me out for Annie. So, she would say things like, “Oh, Annie is so adorable and well behaved,” while we'd watch the movie. And I'd be like, “Well behaved? You mean, like how she basically plays practical jokes on all of her caretakers well behaved? Don't you mean that she misbehaves which need I remind you, I don't do.” [audience laughter] 

 

So, my mom is like, “You know what? You need to stop trying to compare yourself to Annie and focus on the more important things in the movie, like the messages of love and compassion that are depicted in the movie.” I don't buy it. So, I'm like, “You know what, mom? I'm going to ask you flat out. Do you want to be my mama or don't you?” [audience laughter]

 

So, she laughed hysterically at this and basically told me that I was being ridiculous, which to me, was dodging the question and basically [audience laughter] covering up her true intentions. So, I set out on a mission to memorize just about every word to all the songs in the movie, so that I can rehearse and sing them for her, so that she know she could realize that I, too, was talented and that I deserved to remain in our family home. [audience laughter] 

 

So, now my little brother, who's 18 months younger than me, didn't realize that I was freaking out about this. I needed to get his support, and so I had to corner him one day after school. And I was like, “Look, David, clearly you are not paying attention to what is happening in this household these days. [audience laughter] And if I were you, I would start paying attention better, because this is not just about me. Do you see the way mom's eyes light up every time she sees Webster on TV on Thursday nights? [audience laughter] You're next, little homie, and you're screwed. 

 

Now, I got room for one person on my limited edition red, blue and gold Wonder Woman bicycle with a little lasso bell. So, I'm not going to be able to take you with me when I hop onto it and ride myself over to the Girl Scouts of America headquarters to apply for adoption asylum. [audience laughter] And let me tell you this. Even if I could take you, they're not going to let you in because you're a boy. So, good luck with that and don't say I didn't warn you.” [audience laughter] 

 

Now, my brother, of course, was freaked out for all of two minutes as I tried to brainwash him, and then he just started ignoring me again and playing with his G.I. Joe Figures. I was bummed for weeks. I would go to school, trying to get support from my friends, but everyone was drinking the Annie Kool Aid. They were like, “Oh, did you see the Annie movie? Wasn't it so great? I think I want to be Annie for Halloween.” And I'm like, “I'm not getting any support.” So, I was bummed out, and I felt like all hope was lost until something miraculous happened. 

 

Our VCR broke. [audience laughter] It just stopped working one day. Wouldn't even turn on. So, of course I'm like, “Hey, mom, it's a hard knock life for us. [audience laughter] It's a hard knock life for us.” Of course, she didn't find that to be very funny at all. But for the record, I didn't break the VCR. My mom would have killed me if I did something like that, broke anything electronic at the house that she would have brought. In our Haitian household, any deliberate destruction of property as a result of a temper tantrum would have not worked well for me. But needless to say, with the VCR on the fritz, I felt like I had a whole new lease on life. I felt reborn, if you will, invigorated. I was literally running around the house singing, “The sun will come out tomorrow.”

 

And of course, my mom would be standing around slow clapping like, [clapping] [audience laughter] which was fine for me, because I just knew that Annie was not going to take my mom away. So, as time progressed, life was good. I felt like I had won. I tried to incorporate the lesson that my mom tried to teach me of not comparing myself to others, so that I could feel empowered and do and be whatever it was that I was going to be in life. It worked for the most part, until years later when The Cosby Show came out and there was Rudy. [audience laughter] Thank you.