Annē Linn - Mrs. Hoblitt

 

 

As I prepared to enter high school, my mom introduced a new rule. I would have to call her Mrs. Hoblit. And even though I threw a huge fuss about calling her by her teacher name, it turned out that this was not the most difficult part of our mother-daughter, student-teacher relationship that we were going to have to navigate. I was a highly dramatic teenager who just wanted to fall in love, and she was a stoic Norwegian-American teacher who just wanted her students to love grammar. [audience laughter] She laid out some pretty strict rules at the beginning. She was not going to pull any strings for me. This was not going to be like the drama teacher who cast her daughter as the lead in every play. No resentment there. [audience laughter] 

 

I didn't really want her to or need her to, because I was a super goody, goody rule follower. So, she didn't really need to do anything for me to get along in high school. The one exception that she did make was that she bumped me up on the list for Driver Z. Not because she wanted me to get my license any earlier, you can drive in Montana at age 15, but she wanted to make sure that I learned how to drive on the icy Montana winter roads. 

 

But then, things got a little more blurry when she actually became my teacher. It turned out that her omnipresence had a bit of an effect on my romantic life. So, when I first had her as a teacher my sophomore year for English, and I started to scheme about how she could be useful in more ways than just teaching me how to write, which she was very well known for being very good at. But my first high school boyfriend broke up with me several days into the school year. It was not a serious relationship. We held hands a couple times, and he kissed me on the cheek, but I still was very dramatic and wanted to feel all the feelings. And so, I plotted this revenge plan that I pitched to my mom over dinner. [audience laughter] I said, so, mom, Nate's desk is not that far away from your desk and you have this- she called it the dinger, this high-pitched bell that she would ring she probably got at the mom store [audience laughter] to get students attention. 

 

I said, you could just ring it in Nate's ear and it would be very nonchalant. He sits right there. Just consider it. She didn't. But it turned out that the population of boys in that particular sophomore English class would be fodder for many dinnertime conversations throughout the year. As I recovered from the heartbreak of Nate, something very surprising happened, and that Caleb started flirting with me. He was much cooler than me. He was the star of the basketball team. I was not quite sure what to do with all this attention, especially, because the attention mostly came in the form of him telling dirty pickup lines to my easily scandalized self. 

 

So, for example, walking into class, he says, “Hey, Annē, let's do math. Add a bed, subtract the clothes, divide our legs and I'll multiply.” [audience laughter] I know a real winner, on and off the court. So, I go my own way. We were working on our individual writing assignments, and he pokes me across the aisle and he's like, “Hey, Annē, do you want to help me with my math?” And I was like, “Okay, bring it over here.” This was not uncommon for people to ask me for help with homework. And he's like, “No, will you help me with my math?” And I was like, “Okay, bring it over here.” [audience laughter] He goes, “No, will you help me with my math?” And all of a sudden, the joke clicks into place. And I screamed, “Oh, my gosh.” And my mom whips around. 

 

She goes, “You two, detention.” I said, mom. Mrs. Hoblit. [audience laughter] I had never had detention in high school, and now my mom was my sentencer. She wasn't just going to settle for any old detention. She decided that instead of going to the detention room, we were going to clean her classroom. So, over dinner that night, I tried to plead my case. You should be glad that I had that reaction to a dirty joke. She said, “You should be glad that I just got you an hour by yourself with Caleb.” [audience laughter] I realized that she was right. And so, I prepared for this detention with great hope. Like, in the very romantic setting of my mom's classroom, I could have my first real kiss. 

 

And so, the day of detention, I dressed up very-. My mom's looking at me over breakfast like, “Okay, you're taking this really seriously.” [audience laughter] And we go. I'm really excited. He just acted like we were not there because of his attentions to me and there was nothing between us. It was the first of many heartbreaks. The roller coaster of my sophomore year with Caleb. And later on in the year, I said to my mom, I am so over him. And she goes, “Okay, good. Well, just please can we not develop feelings for anyone else in this class? It's becoming a little bit disruptive.” And I was like, “Oh, who could I possibly like in the class?” She raised her eyes at me and was like, “Umm, Patrick.” [audience laughter] 

 

I don't know if it was motherly wisdom or teacherly wisdom, but Patrick and I are married [audience laughter] [audience cheers and applause]

 

We are expecting our first child this fall. I am not a teacher, so I'm going to have to figure out another way to really shape and influence my child's life, both academically and romantically.