Rachel Cain - Mischief, Murder, and Macaulay Culkin

 

 

All right. So, my mom died when I was nine years old. And 10 years later, I was getting married and having babies of my own. When I put it like that, it's like, “Oh, my God, that was way too young.” But yes. I found myself at this age feeling completely lost. I didn't have a mom. I was a mom, and I was constantly questioning if I was a good mom and if I was going to do this right. And I cared. I cared a lot and I had a lot of really grand ideas that have gone down a lot since then. [audience laughter] 

 

But at the time, I really dreamed of sharing the highest forms of art, and music and literature with my children. I fantasize that they'd be reading Shakespeare at five. [laughter] No, it's a lot of Pokémon, it's not good. [audience laughter] But I had these fantasies. And one day, in an effort to get started on this, I brought home a really great classic art house film to share with my two children, four and five years old. You guys might have heard of it, it's called Home Alone. [audience laughter] It's great. It's one of the best. 

 

So, I brought this home. My kids watched it. They loved it, and it turned out to be a real bad movie to show them. [audience laughter] Because the next day, they got real mad at me. I had made cookies and I had told them-- I'm a real bitch here. [audience laughter] I had told them, “You have to wait till they cool before you can have them.” And they lost their goddamn minds. [audience laughter] I mean, just lost it. They stormed out of the room, they slammed themselves against the wall on the other side of the wall, where I was folding clothes, [audience laughter] and they plotted their revenge. 

 

They were at this perfect age where they didn't realize this complicated scientific theory that noise travels, [audience laughter] and they were also really horrible at whispering [audience laughter] and so I heard everything. [audience laughter] Everything was, they were going to murder me. [audience laughter] Yeah. Like, full on Macaulay Culkin, murder me. [audience laughter] 

 

And so I'm sitting there, and I have this dilemma, right, “Do I get up? Do I walk over there? Do I kneel down? Do I tell them softly, ‘That's not how we handle our big feelings.’” [audience laughter] “We don't do it like that.” We talk it out and whatever. Or, do I listen to the other guy on the shoulder and do I just go with it and see what happens. [audience laughter] I listen to him. So, I wait for them to get this all set. They had an Easter basket that, mind you, I had lovingly filled months before. But they took that Easter basket and they filled it with stuffed animals, and they tied a rope to it and they swung it over the banister of our stairs. [audience laughter] Their plan was to do that every time I walked by, right? Until they got me. [audience laughter] And so, I walked past. 

 

I walked past the first time, and they missed, which does not surprise me. My son plays basketball now, and he's not good. [audience laughter] But they missed. I walked back again and they missed again. I did that eight (beep) times [audience laughter] until finally it hit my shoulder. And that was it. I couldn't do it again. So, that was it. That was the one, right? So, I just swung back. 

 

Now I'm an English teacher, so I've got some Shakespeare in me. So, it was full on death scene, right? [audience laughter] I'm clutching my heart inexplicably. They didn't hit my heart, but like, “Oh my God.” I lean against the wall and I sink down, because I can't do squats very well, so I had to like [crosstalk] [audience laughter] I sink down and I fall over and that's it, I'm dead. I'm dead. And there's silence. [audience laughter] Just silence. 

 

And then my five-year old starts wailing. Like, he just starts running down the stairs, tumbling over himself, I mean, just weeping. He prostrates himself over my corpse. [audience laughter] I have this moment where I'm like, “I might have like taken this too far.” [audience laughter] But I was working so hard to hold in the laughter that went away really fast. [audience laughter] I'm there and I'm dead and he's wailing. 

 

And then, my younger four-year old comes down, and there's not a tear to be seen. [audience laughter] He's just full on, like, “Oh, yes, we fucking did this.” [audience laughter] I'm there peeking out of the slits of my eyes, because they're stupid and they don't know that I can see them. [audience laughter] I'm wondering if I am like in trouble, do I need to find a counselor? I mean, four-year olds are notoriously awful human beings. Anyways, but this feels like extra awful. Like, there is no remorse. I'm wondering if it's over for me. Like, “This is it. We've got a psychopath. It's bad.” [audience laughter] 

 

And then, my four-year old leans down to my weeping five-year old and he strokes his cheek and wipes the tears away and just pulls his little chin up and he says, “Don't cry, Brudder. The cookies are free now.” [audience laughter] And that's the moment when I knew I'm doing this parenting thing okay.